Where ... time ... when ???

Well it has been a few days hasn't it. It seems to have flown by for me and there are still so many things on my to do list I ... wait ... sorry there were three things that I had thought about adding to my board today that I just had to add now before I forgot ... now where was I ... oh yes, so many things on the list that we all probably have to do at this time of the year yet I have so little time. There is so much happening at work, so many cultures of the business I am trying to impact, training programs I am creating that need to start this week with a new employee and possibly another new one in the week ahead.

Personally I like the thought of giving people a job right before Christmas.

Work has been so full though. When I finished working on my payroll information for last week I realized I worked every day (not all full shifts though). Too much ... or is it?

This was me as a store manager for most of my adult life. Working 12-16 hour days and being really involved in the process every day. I thrive on this on some sick level. The season I truly despise for the commercial retail driven chaos that it has become was also the season of make or break for many business that are consumer driven. Thus the busiest and surprisingly when I happen to be at my most comfortable level. I settle in ... time slows down yet there is never enough time. Things explode and I bow out of the shock wave and roll with the curls of the ocean waves riding just ahead of the break while observing the cacophony of stress around me.

I love to snatch people up in my teams at this time of the year when they are about to explode and help them diffuse. Part of why I have planned lots of little events for my team in the coming weeks to allow the stranglehold of pressure to loosen and their creative energies flow.

I just don't buy presents anymore and that removes me from the terrible thought of having to face that some level of agoraphobia I seem to exhibit in malls and big box stores. Such a level of stress is done. The few items for the nieces and nephew have been taken care of a while ago. I did Christmas cards this year and well that is about it for the money flow and for the need to subject myself to unnecessary stress. I should probably use one of the Border's reward coupons they keep sending me to see if I can find one of my Zen calendars. First thing on a Monday morning would be good with a cup of green tea.

Have I been wandering in this post? Should I read back over it and see if it makes sense. Nah. Let it be. I have my moments of letting people see the wandering mind and then it all slams shut and gets locked up once again.

Sigh I need to find some time to research that which I have been discovering about stroke patients. I need to look into the facts about the 2 year rule of the largest strides all happen within 2 years ... gives me about 3 months before that time is up. I have read a few things that support what I believe ... you just have to work a little bit harder after those two years to gain more in the world of improvement.

I'm here. Challenged a little bit to keep on top of the blog and social media world, but I know that the real world around me, the world within me and the family and friends I have, can see and touch, talk to and laugh with are more important than the blog world, the social media buzz will be the first that I shut out.

So I raise my bottle of water (these really great stainless steel bottles were half off at World Market last week and are awesome) in a toast to the aspect of time - that you and I will have some in the days ahead for our peace of minds, chilling with the season and living a little bit of this precious gift of life.

Namaste

30 days

30 days ago another course correction happened in my life. One that was not expected but then again are any of these drastic course corrections we have happen in our worlds ever what we really expect them. 362 days before this correction another course correction had taken place.

Yes they are connected.

So picking up the pieces of a life that fell into disarray. I fear that the course corrections are not done yet before I find a direction that will hold true for some time. There is something going on in my head that they have not figured, nor I, yet. My body is fighting something that could be as simple as allergies or as severe as ... well who wants to follow that course correction unless they absolutely have to.

But we pick up the pieces.  I read somewhere that the first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss of what was and fear the course correction that you are now on. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery and ability to work within the parameters of what is happening. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.

21 days ago I found myself alone again and forced to face fears. I conquered that with a pen and paper. I wrote down what was lost, what was gained, what was learned and what needs to be understood. Then I sat back and contemplated. I was beginning to control the waves of emotion. They were still getting the upper hand from time to time but they were mine now and not running free.

I began to assess damage done to me, damage done by me and began to pick up the pieces. There will always be holes but they are not for me to fill as they are not my crosses. I will never have the knowledge to fill them nor do I want it. I began to make decisions about what I needed to do. I rebuilt some of what I had torn down in my world and began to take steps that would give me direction. Give me a place to look forward into so that I would not dwell in the moment when it became too much.

I selfishly used the tools that I already had, the friendships that were there and brought back to the forefront, the resources that I had seen building around me ... I pulled them in. I used these branches of support and allowed them to help keep my head above the flowing stream below.

14 days ago I had begun documenting a failure in part of my health structure while I moved on another level into a life commitment that is for me. In the long run it will help all aspects of my health and hopefully my life. I may be aggravating the health conditions that I currently am experiencing but I need to move forward. I cannot wait for everything to be right. I need to be able to react and move now for who knows what the future holds. Another one of those things that I do not want to know right now.

Today I am 30 days removed from an instant that is still fresh as a wound but not so painful now. Natures scars are a way of showing that there is a healing process that was designed to allow life to continue and this is the beginning edge of that healing process for me.

I am doing little things now that I was nurturing at the beginning of this course correction but now find myself accepting as a reality. I set a goal in the world of my health and until I meet that I will not shave. Thus the last day I shaved was October 11th as I attempted to pick myself up and head to work. That failed miserably but I did shave without slicing the neck open. So I am scruffy and will trim from time to time but I am not shaving this beard until that personal goal is met. Even at that point I am allowing myself the option for a course direction in that choice. I mean I had a beard from graduating from high school and the next 12 years before being asked to shave for work. So it went to a goatee.

I am going to events of cultural enrichment as I need to continue to grow myself. I am not limiting myself to things that I am comfortable with, but also including situations that challenge my comfort level. So bring on the course correction. Let me grieve and then let me grow.

In case you wondered

Neurologist told me they could not find my brain. He was totally serious and that made me stop in my tracks. This man does not joke around ... or does he. Is that the twitch of a corner of the mouth there. Thank God. I knew I had a brain, unless this is the afterlife?

Somewhat clean bill of health. Concern was rendered about these little headaches that come and almost incapacitate me but are gone in a matter of 5 to 10 minutes. We are looking for a trigger and going to rule things out.

Got another years worth of stroke medicine scripts and a free month supply ... nice, cos this is the expensive stuff.

Plus in 5 minutes and with a safety pin he gave me the diagnosis of carpal tunnel, without the $900 test that the other doctors insisted that I run. Gave me one simple exercise to work on to hopefully make some of this go away. If not we will cross that bridge together. (Well actually he said I could go first in case there were any trolls that wanted a toll ... I am seeing another side of this wise old man).

So now I move onward with changing lifestyles, loss and gain, hope and a smile on my face for I have life, my wonderful families love and some of the greatest friends a simple boy from the countryside in England could have ever wanted when he grew up.



Peace and love.

Events (reminder)

I don't always look at what is plastered on the sides of my facebook home/news feed page. Thus I miss some birthdays (never was my ability to keep those once a year dates in mind ... I have even forgotten mine in the past, but never my mother's and they are the same day. Figure that out?)

But how can I miss a huge red heart and my gals name right there. Oh I know it is our anniversary but it is nice to be reminded of that every time I look there. (There is no way I could forget that day ... the beginning of this relationship ... my heart in my throat ... my mind going oh my ... the talking until just before the sun came up ... nope not forgetting that day) But I find that I might be opening that page up a little bit more right now just to look at this. Wow, I am a lucky man!

3 months already???

Quarterly checkup today … yep another 3 months gone on by and blood work pulled last week. Actually it was a little bit on the scary side as the blood was pulled the day after I had a scare with blood loss. I guess that I am really aware when I lose blood now as I am on an anti-coagulant and will be for life. With that when I have an opportunity to lose blood I have an opportunity to lose lots of blood. Scary.

But got to sit down with the doctor today and go over my results. Talk about what has happened in the last couple of months, what is going on but today I was impressed. When I mentioned one of my concerns he counter offered with an option to write a prescription for a muscle relaxer (just 10). I countered with the fact that even though some people may think that I take choose to take hard core drugs when things are bad I do not.

Now let me step to the side and quantify that last statement above. Yes, if you would have asked me in the early 90’s or in 2005 if I took the strongest medicines I could get my hands on I would say yes. The 90’s my sinuses were so screwed up and the pain was intense. I popped pain pills like nobody’s business. In 2005 the ruptured disc in my back [done in 1988] finally shifted and sawed the heck out of the left leg nerve bundle. To sleep, I literally had to stand in the corner of the room and lean on my right shoulder. That was horrible. When they offered to shoot my spine up with pain drugs, even though I could have been paralyzed for life, I did not hesitate to say PLEASE!

So I had countered with the fact that I know I have done things in the past that have stressed my kidneys and liver out. I really have been working on eliminating drugs and have gone from 7 daily meds to 5 and cut two of them in half, as far as strength goes, and do not want to add more. I like life. So he countered with almost an hour of going over each level of what he tested in the blood work, comparison to what he has on record for me since 2007 and well showed me why he suggest what he suggests and why he listens to me when I counter.

That kind of relationship is hard to come by in the medical profession. To be able to interact with a doctor that has a prescribed amount of patients to meet due to insurance companies. To have a doctor tell you that you are wrong and justify it. To have him say that he is wrong and this is why he thinks I am right. No ego there. Just open talk. Someone who I am not fearful of discussing concerns with of any type nor will he be fearful of telling me the honest truth from where he sits. He will not prescribe medicine without cause and I especially like that he will not prescribe antibiotics for those things that do not need them. (i.e. we discussed today how people request antibiotics for colds and colds are viruses … antibiotics work on bacteria … thus why? … because advertising scares people into wanting what they do not need)

This discussion today highlighted the 2 levels of study done on the kidneys and their ability to be active and filter what needs to be filtered. I am well within the norms. The liver. Well within the norm. Blood sugar levels. Have been borderline for 3 years but I have maintained or decreased that. Further weight loss will be the key here to make them back off from the edge of being pre-diabetic. The blood cells themselves are in great shape. Right count in the number of blood cells which countered a thought that I might have had so much blood loss due to bleeding ulcer (not good for someone on anti-coagulant). No anemia. No deficiencies in all levels tested. Cholesterol remains great at 155. But more importantly it raised only due to the fact that my HDL went from 36 to 46. Phew. That lower than 40 number is not good at all for HDL. Now it is getting closer to where I would be happy but the doc is overjoyed that in 3 months I could move it 10 points.

So now we maintain and improve. I had my flu shot. I declined the muscle relaxant. Continued with the nasal steroid as the allergy season is intense upon us here in north Texas. Acknowledged that I have been at plateau too long at this weight and need to focus on moving that needle in the get off pre-diabetes watch list.Continue to watch what I eat, work on paying attention more to my bodies indicators and most poignantly from my doctor ... enjoy life.

What time was my appointment?

What time is that appointment? 10:15 am. But I do not have that on paper anywhere so I assume I could be wrong and go in at 10. Plus that is me, always wanting to be just a little bit early to any appointment. Why do I do that to myself? I think I learned from the people I grew up with, my friends, who were almost always late. I did not like that.

Regardless I am there and waiting, and waiting and …. well why is there a desolate desert wall mural on the wall I have been staring at for 1.5 hours? There is not a drop of water in site, no sign of redemption, no second chance here with the lizards, cactus and sidewinder snakes. Why does this take up the whole wall of this office? A heart hospital of all places.

I digress. Finally at noon I am called back. I had already discovered that my appointment was at 10:45 so that was my bad anyhow. And then I get my 10 minutes with Dr. Malik.

At the TEE he gave his initial findings – nothing – knowing full well that I would have no freaking memory of that. Knowing that the drugs would have made my mind mush but he always does that. I remembered enough to know that he found nothing and not to take the meds for the following week surgery. Then he takes the results back and has a couple of weeks to make sure nothing was missed (I am sure his interns do this).

This in depth study found – nothing. Was that a surprise? To me it was not. There are no holes that are of normal or abnormal size. There is evidence that there is a hole but that is not supported by there actually being one there. Thus I fall into the less than 1% of the people with a hole in their heart whose hole is wholly confounding the field of medicine by not being a whole hole that can be found by normal means. Rather my hole is masquerading as a heart.

“Why are you looking frustrated?” “Well a hole could have been wholly closed and this whole nightmare could have had a resolution with my heart being whole again.” “But this is good news!” “Why?” “Well we do not have to do the surgery and with medication you should be OK.”

Notice the “should be” OK. So we discussed that. In all reality I may have another stroke. If I take my medicine, lose weight, control blood pressure, exercise and live healthy there is a huge possibility I may not have another one. But if I do? Well at that point I would need to go to Dr. Malik right away and the book would be thrown aside for this … and a right-sided cardiac catheterization would be performed.

Definition:

Cardiac catheterization (also called heart catheterization) is a diagnostic procedure which does a comprehensive examination of how the heart and its blood vessels function. One or more catheters is inserted through a peripheral blood vessel in the arm (antecubital artery or vein) or leg (femoral artery or vein) with x-ray guidance. This procedure gathers information such as adequacy of blood supply through the coronary arteries, blood pressures, blood flow throughout chambers of the heart, collection of blood samples, and x rays of the heart's ventricles or arteries.

A test that can be performed on either side of the heart, cardiac catheterization checks for different functions in both the left and right sides. When testing the heart's right side, tricuspid and pulmonary valve function are evaluated, in addition to measuring pressures of and collecting blood samples from the right atrium, ventricle, and pulmonary artery.

What is key to me here is this:

1. Cardiac catheterization is categorized as an "invasive" procedure which involves the heart, its valves, and coronary arteries.
2. Dr. Malik has done this procedure once (1) yes once. He would actually be looking at the wall of my heart on the right side and testing it, probing it, looking for this elusive hole.

This pretty much makes the decision a clean cut one for me. Thus I followed up with two questions:

1. What else did the TEE show? -- Nothing abnormal. He could actually see everything and I have a normal heart.
2. Last time I was here you said the following “it is not a matter of if you have another stroke but when” --That was when he was working off of the assumption that led him to believe there was a large (respectively speaking) hole in my heart. With the findings it is now, in his opinion, “if you have another stroke”.

So I think and ask a question that was not on my list but I have been thinking about.

This is all with the assumption that I take this Aggrenox every day for the rest of my life – correct? Well what are the long term affects on other parts of my body?

The answer to this is that it is something I will always have to be aware of – internal bleeding in events of extreme trauma, that it will take longer for wounds to stop bleeding and I need to avoid bleeding ulcers.

So that about sums this visit up. I have to go to my neurologist next month and see what he says. I have an appointment with Dr. Malik a year from now and I trudge merrily along making myself right again in the sometimes surreal world that has become mine.

Today with family

Went to the Grapevine Mills Mall today and I realized something. I have a phobia. I have a phobia of enclosed malls. I have worked in retail for years and ran two mall stores. But I realized when talking to my mother this evening that I really have a phobia that results in a cold clammy sweat when I go into a mall. I know I have gone to malls over the years and realize that outside of Kaahumanu Mall, which is open air, I have always just gone into a mall for a purpose....gone and got out. In the last 4 years I have gone to malls, and actually walked around in them, maybe 5 times. I have gone more but to go quick in to one destination and that it that.

The introspection is interesting right now. I am interested in enlightenment about myself and find that some of it is really eye opening.

See ya

A response to a thought

In regards to any frustration in my tone yesterday, I know it was there, I take full responsibility for that. Today I wake up with pain but know why. I am anchored to this house but there are two reasons for that, one of my making and one of the medical worlds undertaking. I accept both of those. I have left a message for my Doctor and know at some point I will receive a call back. Until then I move on.

My delightful friend responded to my thread yesterday and I would like to share this....

I don't want you to have to live every day wondering if another stroke could happen. Of course, in the big picture we all live with uncertainty ... I guess it's just a matter of whether we look at that in a positive way (the adventure of life) or a negative way (fear).

Of course she is right. She has always been right and I will admit that I have many times been wrong. But it took me about 3 seconds or less to think about that and here is my thought:

Well I choose to live the adventure of life. I can continue to learn along the way. I can continue to change what needs to be changed. I can continue to grow in knowledge and awareness and as the options become available face them head on.

Last night and yesterday I was unclear. Yesterday frustration ran rampant through my head. I had finally accepted a path of change but this was not the path that has been chosen for me.

Thus I begin anew ... a new adventure. A new awareness. A new beginning.

I choose life.

Everyday we make choices and each choice involves a risk. There is no right and wrong answer sheet to life. No cheat sheet that can get us past the risks. No "uber powerful God like" mode that allows us multiple tries.

We live. We breathe. We hope for tomorrow and enjoy the moment. We celebrate right now the essence of our life and those around us. We learn. We live.

If something happens we repair what we can, we learn as much as possible and we choose to live now and enjoy all that we can.

Live well my friends, live for the moment, live for today, let your life include others and just LIVE!

Awareness

Overdoing it.

It is a real possibility. It happens. In moving forward in a direction we sometimes become so wrapped up in that direction we ignore a warning sign here or there.

Then the trapdoor falls out from beneath us and we spiral into a downward fall of agony and pain. Too much to soon becomes a crutch. Too much to soon becomes a wheelchair. Too much too soon becomes a reason to curl up and run away from the direction of repair.

Overdoing it.

It is a possibility that we all face and walk into. It happens. But moving forward is always a risk that has to be taken. For in forward movement we see opportunity and life.

So what if the trapdoor opens and we find a discomfort. We slow down, we adjust, we adapt and then we continue forward. Slow and constant becomes our motto. Slow and constant...remember the tortoise and the hare? Slow and constant is a reason to continue the repair, continue learning and grab a hold of life coming at us.

Overdoing it.

Happens.

Adjust. adapt, go slow, be constant, take care, strive ahead, be gentle, be strong.

Overdoing it.

Is ego. But that is OK. Embrace it when it happens. Talk to it, cherish the awareness of new sensations, learn from what caused it and live for another opportunity to learn from this.

Just don't stop repairing, don't stop learning and please do not stop living!

Today is a good day.

I seriously walked today. My cousin's son is in Austin at the State finals for the last time and I am in Dallas wandering around 68 acres of gardens. He is clearing the 800 meter in 1:57 and I am taking 120 times that to wander around almost 3.5 miles of trails.

He goes and preps for the one miler tomorrow and I come home and every muscle, ligament, tendon and joint just lock up on me. But I feel good. I feel as if I have done something for myself today. I wonder about the sanity when we have a Orange Ozone alert but I needed to get out. I needed to walk. I needed to take photographs.

Dallas Botanical Gardens

A little while ago I wandered over to Marinik's Blog and read the Open you Hearts posting. This is one of the first blogs I have been tempted to speak my mind on and have posted twice now to her. She has an uncanny knack to have a post that resonates with something that I have just thought about or experienced. But I like her blog and hope that if you have the time you will read it to. I will not tell you the premise for her blog. It is for her to in her pages but I admire her heart and resilience.

Well I think I am going to go and collapse here shortly. By the way I am making it longer and longer with the BiPAP mask on. I actually had a conversation with a quiet man at work about an hours over his CPAP mask. He has had it for years and now cannot even nap without it. He takes it where ever he travels and just listening to him and his experience made me realize it is a way of life and there is no reason to fight it. I actually am beginning to feel a hint of security and need to have this mask on at night and to me that is a huge leap in the right direction.

I wonder if they will let me bring it to the hosptial. Need to ask them. Then again do I want it in the hospital?

See ya!

Inner sanctum struggles

I have had no desire to do anything today. I had plans this morning and just could not get the energizer bunny working within me. I am guessing it goes back to the fact that so much has gone on this week. Yesterday when my boss and I spent almost two hours on this elaborate spread sheet I had started on he would not email me the changes. He knows me. I would have logged in from home and worked on that today and I am not getting paid for that. But he values me and has told me that I need to take off whatever I need for this and get better. I am too valuable to him to not be here.

So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.

But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....

I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.

I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.

One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.

Momentary panic

So the cardiologist visit is today. I placed that note somewhere safe. I normally email them to myself and store on my phone, add to my calendar online and reminder in firefox but I never did with this one.

Last night I realized I had no information. I could not find it. All I knew was 2 pm and on 12th street.

When I called my doc this morning to grab that they sent me to voice mail. They know I have memory issues and I have no clue why the receptionist could not access my file and give it to me. Thus began the wait. The add stress upon stress wait. Finally Ida called me back and gave me the number to get directions and now I know. Dr Amir Malik. Right across from the fireman's boots (sculpture in front of the fire station on Rosedale). Got it.

Now it is watching the clock and trying to get my questions in order.

See ya!

Good eats

Breakfast: half of an omelet with mini portabella mushrooms, crunch sweet onions and chunky pineapple salsa. Good Belly.

Observation: Food is much more wonderful when you prepare it. I am always amazed after days of eating salads and such when I cook something in a completely different way and it tastes amazing. I think part of that is the fact that I did it. Plus I have pretty much switched back to wok only cooking as it allows me the luxury of cooking all in one pan. I can cook the onions and mushrooms and then pull up on the sides while I have the omelet in the middle them dump the veggies back on top. Love it.

Dinner: Salad with walnuts, raising, egg, chicken oh and green stuff. A little bit of goats cheese just to flavor it up.

Yes I missed lunch. Took it out of the fridge just now. Ugh we were so busy I don't have time to eat when we are that busy!

An curious incident in the parking lot

Did some grocery shopping this evening. It is good for the soul and body to buy the right stuff. But Central Market had their usual band outside and it was a blues/southern rock style band. I liked the sounds so pulled up a chair and listened to a few before thinking....crap I got frozen stuff from Target in the car....bet it is melting away.

So I headed to the car. Now I have seen people do what I did, and have wondered how it is possible but....

I always know exactly where I parked and head right to the car. Well I did that and the car was not there. I stood there in the middle of the parking lot looking at where my car should be and thinking this is not happening. Why would someone steal my car? See I thought that before I thought I was maybe the one at fault. People walked by me, the band was playing in the background and finally something in me snapped and said this is not where you parked the car.

But I did not know where I parked the car.

After wandering around in a daze....I think I was terrified that brain cells where dying left and right....I found my car. Got into in and just sat there for a few. I have never had that happen and never want it to happen again but know that it will. I know the brain is missing a few synapses and well sometimes things are just not going to fall into the right place.

So we can call of search and rescue, reign in the military as I am back a home. Or is this my home? .....

How will I know I am having a TIA

How will I know if I'm having a transient ischemic attack (TIA)?

Common TIA symptoms include:

• Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
• Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
• Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
• Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
• Sudden, severe headache with no known cause

Everyone is different, so symptoms may be different from person to person. TIA symptoms last less than a day, yet most last less than five minutes from beginning to end. Because TIAs begin and end so quickly, they can be hard to recognize as serious warning signs.

Pathways to success

There is something to be said about exercise. I know at the moment I am only walking but it is refreshing to get out there and sweat for an hour or so. The only problem is that I am finding the walk that used to take me slightly over an hour and a half is now taking me an hour.

I know that stopped in almost the same places I usually stopped but it seems like I am going to have to add some backtracking or repeat part of the zoo. Hmmm. Then again I am exploring other places to walk. Botanical gardens, Trinity Park, the trails that run through the community behind me.

Good news is the Dr. said I had lost another 8 pounds since I last saw him and I have flirted with 382 on the scale recently. It is all good. :)

Lapses in memory

A scheduled outage at 2:00 AM. I am glad that there is a reminder on the dashboard page and on this page where I create the post. Because without reminders I am nothing now. My absent minded state is either getting worse or just being noticed more by me as I fumble through life.

I forgot to pay rent this month. I was reminded many times but still forgot to pay it until it was necessary as it had to be in the drop box before midnight. There I went walking down to the office with half of the other residents at 11:30 at night to drop a check in the night deposit box.

I forget where I put things all the time, always have. I walk out of one room and 15 minutes later remember why. This can be quite annoying or quite entertaining depending on how you look at it. But in light of all that has happened I am glad that I remembered to call today. I am glad that I remembered to call and set up a consultation for tomorrow morning as I am so totally unsure of where to go next.

Money is hanging like a dramatic bomb over my head poised to drop and extinguish my world as I know it. Fear lurks around the corner every once in a while peaking out its faithful head and giving me a wink that says you better worry boy. Uncertainty cracks the stepping stones of life ahead of me so I am unsure at times which path to take. Frustration sometimes spins the cats in the cradle around my fingers causing them to fumble. In this menagerie of happenstance my brain forgets to go to bed, to drink water while at work, to bring a meal, to plan ahead and to remember some of the important things.

Sometimes I don't know where to go and how to get there, sometimes the fog on the road ahead parts and a path is illuminated. Sometimes I just need help, sometimes I wish I did not need help. Sometimes is .... a word, a choice, a reason, an excuse, a time, a non time and at times I don't like sometimes.

Tomorrow morning we shall see. Tonight is now.

Good night.

Decisions

Well I have decided that it is time for me to make a decision. I need to call my Doctor tomorrow, which means I will probably have to go in to see him but I will deal with that when it happens. I need to talk to someone about this TEE and what the surgery will entail and what type of time frames we are looking at here.

I feel good, except for the headaches, but that is a side effect of the medicine. I really do. Tired and have not been sleeping well. I cannot put my finger on why. But I get my Darth Vader mask on the 19th and then learn to start sleeping with that on. I am so hoping that it makes a difference.

But I need to get moving on my heart and that issue. There is much to know, much to find out and then things that have to be decided upon after that by me. So phone call tomorrow.

By the way I tried broccoli slaw today and that was actually really nice. Chicken breast, broccoli slaw and Green Machine for dinner. Almost back to normal. But I had sushi both Friday and Saturday as there was so much and you never turn down an invitation from a beautiful woman to go and join her for sushi. :)

My momma didn't raise no fool!

BTW - Happy Mother's Day to all. "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~ Rajneesh

Neurologist

Maybe I am becoming immune to more news, maybe I expected to hear what I heard. It is just another step.

Dr. Blair's office on the morning of the 2nd. Results of transcranial doppler performed by the heart center.

Mean doppler flows are ok
Doppler flow directions are ok
No spontaneous emboli

Then came the agitated saline injected in the right arm - monitored of right middle cerebral artery.

Injection at rest: zero hits
Injection with valsalva number one: 16 hits
Injection with valsalva number two: 26 hits

Impression:

Normal baseline transcranial doppler.
42 embolic tracks with valsalva during intravenous infusion of microbubble contrast. This represents a grade 3 right to left shunt.

Grade 3 right...what the heck does this mean. Let me explain - there are complex journals out there that talk about Grade III RLS and then others that are technical papers with strange images. But in normal person talk it means that I have a hole in my heart. We are all born with this and it closes up in most of us. They used to think it was only a small percentage that it stayed open in but when they see healthy (for the most part) people with strokes at a young age they started looking and 50% of those people the whole did not close up. So now we have about 25% of the people wandering around with holes in thier hearts. This holes can create disturbances that cause clots that can do exactly what they did to me.

So my brother and I are sitting there and I say OK. Now I know Dr. Blair's opinion is to operate and close that hole. But I need to have a transesophageal electrocardiogram. Now I know what a TEE is and I am not happy about it. You can click on the links to learn more but once again we are getting invasive.

Sad thing is that my doctor (Dr. Garcia) said that this is what we would have to do in the very beginning. I was not happy then and I am not happy about this now but I guess I will have to see a heart specialist to figure out exactly what needs to be done. Then the cardiac specialist and the neurologist can have a thumb wrestle to see whose opinion is good.

Oh and by the way I did have two TIA's not just the one. The one on the right side was the big one and the one on the left side was rather small. But it does confirm the suspicion from before that I saw two areas of disturbance on the MRI results. Sigh. Two strokes for the price of one...

Shock....

OK I have a blooming headache that is driving me nuts. It is probably related to this weather but I don't have time to figure that out. I will ask the big neurologist tomorrow.

But I have to say...OMG. My jaw just hit the floor. So I do not have a scale...well let me change that...did not have a scale cos the ones at the stores don't normally go that high...weight wise. But now I do. Now I do.

Got the batteries for it today and got it going. Stood on it and I knew that could not be right...I must not be standing on it right. Stood on it again. OK it was not right but is this right. Three times I stood on it and the same number came up so it must be right.

388.0

I sat there and did the math really quick. Now I know that I started at 424.7 on March 3rd so that is 36.7. Almost 37 lbs in 57 days. Average is around what 4 lbs shed a week. OMG.

This explains why the dress shirts are fitting again and why the ties are coming out of the closet and why I have to wear a belt now!

I am giving myself a pat on the back :)