A whole freaking month? Well I guess it has been. Heart doctor told me that my heart was broken- told him that happened long ago, with a repeat just a little while ago. He was just joking with me. Sadly I was not.
But he gave me a clean bill of health. As far as the heart goes. He wanted that higher heart rate but I learned that important lesson - my carvedilol is working. It stops the heart rate from escalating. So the hours and hours on the treadmills and bikes where I have tried to raise the heart rate and gotten frustrated are now clear to me.
Was supposed to have a sleep study this last Monday but I was so sick - pretty much in bed all day Sunday and most of Monday. So that got pushed. Sleep is disjointed this week but I think I have been trying to get too much done during the day and not getting there until 11 or 12. That is a little bit late for the new me.
Yep that is weird to write as a year ago I would not, could not get to bed before 1 am. Now that is late. I think that the Colorado trips and the all night driving have my time schedule all a kilter. So time to change. Slowly get that sleeping schedule skewed back correctly.
I know the other part is psychological. I get used to sleeping by myself and become fine with that. When I have to share my bed or sleep in the same room as others I actually sleep deeper. Sleep more soundly than I ever do by myself. Then when that is taken away I fall into a state of having to get comfortable with being all alone again. It goes back to one of those personal deep seated fears.
So in a couple of weeks the routine will be back.
That and listening to others going through challenges bring back thoughts and emotions that are tucked behind doors. It is good. It allows me to explore them with a new perspective, it allows me to spend time on the inner me.
Right now I love the inner me, I love the person I am inside. I can freely and honestly say that I hate the shell though that carries it around. This is my cross to carry, to work on, to continue to fail with changing until I can find that ability to make the correct change. At least I can hold onto that as a hope.
That is me in a nutshell right now. Playing with a 7D and contemplating how to get some different lenses. Trying different routes in life. Living. Loving. Learning.
Namaste my friends.
Showing posts with label today. Show all posts
Showing posts with label today. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday, August 2, 2010
Thoughts from a 90 year old lady ...
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Survival technique
my co lead gave me this in the morning hours ... before I headed off to the training session after looking at me ... noting that I had worked a 15 hour day the day before ...
How to Survive Psychological Torture
1. Do not show weakness.
Your tormentors will look for weak individuals, focus on them and exploit their fears. Resist the urge to burst into tears, beg for mercy, flee or bond with your tormentors.
2. Live in the moment.
Do not worry about what comes next. Do not dwell on what just happened. Deal with each horror on its own terms, as it happens.
3. Keep your mind occupied.
You may be isolated from the group, kept awake for several days or seemingly singled out for special treatment. In such situations, keep your brain active by recalling lyrics of all the songs you know, remembering pleasurable experiences or focusing on the goal of rejoining the group.
... I laughed and changed my messenger tag line to the line that I truly thought, at that time, most disturbingly giggle worthy in this message " Deal with each horror on its own terms, as it happens."
now after 15 hour shift number 2 in a row with 9 hours in training I just am resisting all urges to burst into tears, beg for mercy, listening to songs I know the lyrics too and thinking about pleasurable experiences (thanks love) and contemplating which horror to deal with.
yes life is FUN and even in the throes of lack of sleep I am finding humor in the smallest things, the really big things and my own brain. thank you for working brain.
have a good morning/afternoon/evening and good night.
namaste
How to Survive Psychological Torture
1. Do not show weakness.
Your tormentors will look for weak individuals, focus on them and exploit their fears. Resist the urge to burst into tears, beg for mercy, flee or bond with your tormentors.
2. Live in the moment.
Do not worry about what comes next. Do not dwell on what just happened. Deal with each horror on its own terms, as it happens.
3. Keep your mind occupied.
You may be isolated from the group, kept awake for several days or seemingly singled out for special treatment. In such situations, keep your brain active by recalling lyrics of all the songs you know, remembering pleasurable experiences or focusing on the goal of rejoining the group.
... I laughed and changed my messenger tag line to the line that I truly thought, at that time, most disturbingly giggle worthy in this message " Deal with each horror on its own terms, as it happens."
now after 15 hour shift number 2 in a row with 9 hours in training I just am resisting all urges to burst into tears, beg for mercy, listening to songs I know the lyrics too and thinking about pleasurable experiences (thanks love) and contemplating which horror to deal with.
yes life is FUN and even in the throes of lack of sleep I am finding humor in the smallest things, the really big things and my own brain. thank you for working brain.
have a good morning/afternoon/evening and good night.
namaste
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tough choices
Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.
You scratch your head and wonder what the heck is up with Philip. Well I will tell you. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that led to a brief discussion in a car ride home from watching Toy Story III with the girls that was short but poignant.
It all began with a text about someone being in the hospital. A trip there and to see the situation of a man who was fighting to get out to feed an addiction. A man who is now sedated in ICU to detox. A wife of this man who is trapped in the fact that she has, for so long, been the person who has lived with this addiction beside her. A woman who knows she should do that which she does not want to and is torn.
It was so hard to see. So uncomfortable to watch this situation unfold, the nurses frustration, the anger of the wife and the spiteful need that horribly rolled from the face of the man. It sunk into the core of me. Even now, a couple of days later, I am chilled inside thinking about what I saw.
I turned to Tammy in the car after the movie I had tried to enjoy, but had this separate filmstrip running constantly in the background of my mind, and told her that if I am ever like that she can absolutely walk away. I give you that right to do that today before it happens.
Her response was that what she would do would be out of love. She would have me declared incompetent so that she could do what needed to be done. That I could be placed where she would know that I would be taken care of and she would have that piece of mind that she was doing the right thing.
As with the thoughts of that man in the hospital that revisit me these words hang on and today I am still severely humbled by her love for me and that she would do what she needed to do for me while still being able to maintain her sense of sanity and live how she knows I would want her to.
Saturday night for me was a night of pondering. A night of cataloging the day and pondering the thoughts of tomorrow.
As reasonable and responsible people we need to make sure that our loved ones know our wishes. As much as we may not want to discuss those possibilities, tomorrow may never come, or at least come in a form that we are cognizant of. I love Tammy for saying what she did. I know that both of us watched at the hospital and had our minds in disarray for the rest of the day as we personally digested what we saw, thought about it and finally that evening after the day was under control compared notes, shared opinions and understood that we cannot understand or predict what will happen with those two impacted by one man's addiction.
That man's addiction and obsession though does impact 3 others, and from that 6 children and those whom love those 3 and 6. Thus things are in motion that need to be in motion. The hospital stepped in and took care of a situation that they could and had power to take care of. Thus the wheels on that life story are progressing forward.
They could move more smoothly though if we take control today over what may or will happen tomorrow. Take control now of those things you need to and talk. Push aside the fears and be pleasantly touched by the love of those whom you love.
as I began I close this thought ...
Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.
You scratch your head and wonder what the heck is up with Philip. Well I will tell you. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that led to a brief discussion in a car ride home from watching Toy Story III with the girls that was short but poignant.
It all began with a text about someone being in the hospital. A trip there and to see the situation of a man who was fighting to get out to feed an addiction. A man who is now sedated in ICU to detox. A wife of this man who is trapped in the fact that she has, for so long, been the person who has lived with this addiction beside her. A woman who knows she should do that which she does not want to and is torn.
It was so hard to see. So uncomfortable to watch this situation unfold, the nurses frustration, the anger of the wife and the spiteful need that horribly rolled from the face of the man. It sunk into the core of me. Even now, a couple of days later, I am chilled inside thinking about what I saw.
I turned to Tammy in the car after the movie I had tried to enjoy, but had this separate filmstrip running constantly in the background of my mind, and told her that if I am ever like that she can absolutely walk away. I give you that right to do that today before it happens.
Her response was that what she would do would be out of love. She would have me declared incompetent so that she could do what needed to be done. That I could be placed where she would know that I would be taken care of and she would have that piece of mind that she was doing the right thing.
As with the thoughts of that man in the hospital that revisit me these words hang on and today I am still severely humbled by her love for me and that she would do what she needed to do for me while still being able to maintain her sense of sanity and live how she knows I would want her to.
Saturday night for me was a night of pondering. A night of cataloging the day and pondering the thoughts of tomorrow.
As yesterday is history, and tomorrow may never come, I have resolved from this day on, I will do all the business I can honestly, have all the fun I can reasonably, do all the good I can willingly, and save my digestion by thinking pleasantly.Oh there are so many reasons to save my digestion from thinking pleasantly today about right now. BUT there is a need to have the talks that husband and wife, two people committed to each other, parents and adult children, and in some cases parents with children that may, if I can pervert Robert Louis Stevenson's words, give us indigestion by thinking unpleasantly.
Robert Louis Stevenson
As reasonable and responsible people we need to make sure that our loved ones know our wishes. As much as we may not want to discuss those possibilities, tomorrow may never come, or at least come in a form that we are cognizant of. I love Tammy for saying what she did. I know that both of us watched at the hospital and had our minds in disarray for the rest of the day as we personally digested what we saw, thought about it and finally that evening after the day was under control compared notes, shared opinions and understood that we cannot understand or predict what will happen with those two impacted by one man's addiction.
That man's addiction and obsession though does impact 3 others, and from that 6 children and those whom love those 3 and 6. Thus things are in motion that need to be in motion. The hospital stepped in and took care of a situation that they could and had power to take care of. Thus the wheels on that life story are progressing forward.
They could move more smoothly though if we take control today over what may or will happen tomorrow. Take control now of those things you need to and talk. Push aside the fears and be pleasantly touched by the love of those whom you love.
as I began I close this thought ...
Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Exploration
It was push myself day at the gym. What was the highest doable pace for a lumbering elephant? :) What would an additional 15 lbs do to my arms? (can we say jello) What is the fastest pace that you can get the routine to?
I have to admit it was not as much about pushing myself as to not get complacent in the day to day actions. 4.0 mph on the treadmill was too much but 3.6 was doable. Can't increase the wieght much on the hand wieghts but kicking it up on the lat pulls and other upper body machines was a step in the right direction. Yes I could only do 30 reps instead of the 45 (3 sets 15) but it was good.
Until I tried to pick up the gym bag. Hmm how to get home with jello arms. Give it a few that is how. Don't multitask ... just drive.
How was your day? Mine was long but good.
See ya!
I have to admit it was not as much about pushing myself as to not get complacent in the day to day actions. 4.0 mph on the treadmill was too much but 3.6 was doable. Can't increase the wieght much on the hand wieghts but kicking it up on the lat pulls and other upper body machines was a step in the right direction. Yes I could only do 30 reps instead of the 45 (3 sets 15) but it was good.
Until I tried to pick up the gym bag. Hmm how to get home with jello arms. Give it a few that is how. Don't multitask ... just drive.
How was your day? Mine was long but good.
See ya!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Morning Goodness
Sometimes when you are feeling under the weather or a little bit blue it is time to break out the comfort foods that you so often avoid.
Catch here is that they are reduced fat but I should still have no more than one.
....or two.
....or NO NO stop there. :)
Catch here is that they are reduced fat but I should still have no more than one.
....or two.
....or NO NO stop there. :)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thursday
Fun day. It was the first blue day of the month on Capturing Beauty and even though other colors have crept closer to the top of the list....blue is by far my favorite color.
But the leader of our ragged band of warriors at work was out, one of my specialist II team members had jury duty, another was delayed by lack of access to the internet causing him to come in and work (we give everyone work one at home day a week), thus my co lead plus I led the pack into war against the enemy of
Keep it together. Funny how in the heat of battle some of us raise to the highest point of our form. Those are the days that I love.
I still recall the day though on the 6th of March when I crumbled in the face of adversity. Had to be assisted into calming down and my whole body screamed this was not right. That was by far the bleakest moment in my life and a true realization that as strong as I believe I am ... I am still a little boy afraid of possibilities that I shy away from.
But today allowed me to see what I did so well when managing my stores for those ... what almost 20 years ... of being a retail manager. Accept what is fired at you. Prioritize and do not fall into the trap that just because someone higher in the food chain needs something they come over those who are bringing in the monetary numbers that keep your job around.
What needed to be done was done. I stayed late to accomplish a few tasks that I put on the back burner and it was actually a good thing as one of my team mates was struggling with an issue that I was able to help with.
Today for me may have been a repair day on just that small part where I was allowed to spread my wings and flex more managerial muscle than usual. It was a learn and live day for sure as I grasped some truths that may have avoided my observation for the last couple of years but came to the forefront today. I love managing people. I love helping to orchestrate the cacophony of issues into a harmonious rhythm that allows the sweet music of success to tickle my hearing.
That I do miss. Yet I was able to live that today.
Take every day and learn a little, live a little and along the way undoubtedly you will repair a little.
Tomorrow my parents and the beloved Great Dane Venus arrive and I have my MRI follow up on my brain. Another area of my weakness but at least now I know what to do.
Peace my friends.
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But the leader of our ragged band of warriors at work was out, one of my specialist II team members had jury duty, another was delayed by lack of access to the internet causing him to come in and work (we give everyone work one at home day a week), thus my co lead plus I led the pack into war against the enemy of
Image by Pip's Paradigm via Flickr
Keep it together. Funny how in the heat of battle some of us raise to the highest point of our form. Those are the days that I love.
I still recall the day though on the 6th of March when I crumbled in the face of adversity. Had to be assisted into calming down and my whole body screamed this was not right. That was by far the bleakest moment in my life and a true realization that as strong as I believe I am ... I am still a little boy afraid of possibilities that I shy away from.
But today allowed me to see what I did so well when managing my stores for those ... what almost 20 years ... of being a retail manager. Accept what is fired at you. Prioritize and do not fall into the trap that just because someone higher in the food chain needs something they come over those who are bringing in the monetary numbers that keep your job around.
What needed to be done was done. I stayed late to accomplish a few tasks that I put on the back burner and it was actually a good thing as one of my team mates was struggling with an issue that I was able to help with.
Today for me may have been a repair day on just that small part where I was allowed to spread my wings and flex more managerial muscle than usual. It was a learn and live day for sure as I grasped some truths that may have avoided my observation for the last couple of years but came to the forefront today. I love managing people. I love helping to orchestrate the cacophony of issues into a harmonious rhythm that allows the sweet music of success to tickle my hearing.
That I do miss. Yet I was able to live that today.
Take every day and learn a little, live a little and along the way undoubtedly you will repair a little.
Tomorrow my parents and the beloved Great Dane Venus arrive and I have my MRI follow up on my brain. Another area of my weakness but at least now I know what to do.
Peace my friends.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
It is becoming a time when I need to shift priorities. I care more about my job than those around me and that frustrates me. Why do I strive to be as good as I can and do what the business needs where others do not try?
Found out today that they are going to literally put me under but not out on Thursday. Leave that to the last minute to tell me. So here I go with no time to find out how to ge the required ride home at this last minute change and my family once again steps up and hits a winning run. God bless my family for they are mine and they are excellent people.
Now that is taken care of and Corpus is truly out of the equation for this weekend. I sadly feel slightly better knowing with what they are going to do that I will be partially sedated .... enough to not want to run screaming from the room.
Saw my doc this morning and had blood pulled. It is all good. All good. Well I don't have the results yet but talking to my doctor can be a calming event. He actually told me he was extremely proud of the progress I am making with losing weight and all. We are going to have to push the second MRI until after the surgery has passed and I am healed up a bit. That is alright....not my favorite thing in the world.
Well we will have to see how it goes on Thursday.
Did I eat well again today.
Exercise: 1.25 miles on the treadmill at a 2.5 mile rate - 30 min burning approx 330 calories and traveled at total of 6887 steps today. (last weeks average without Sat figures was 5000 steps so this is almost 7000 steps 2 days in a row)
Right - top of the morning to you all. G'd night!
Found out today that they are going to literally put me under but not out on Thursday. Leave that to the last minute to tell me. So here I go with no time to find out how to ge the required ride home at this last minute change and my family once again steps up and hits a winning run. God bless my family for they are mine and they are excellent people.
Now that is taken care of and Corpus is truly out of the equation for this weekend. I sadly feel slightly better knowing with what they are going to do that I will be partially sedated .... enough to not want to run screaming from the room.
Saw my doc this morning and had blood pulled. It is all good. All good. Well I don't have the results yet but talking to my doctor can be a calming event. He actually told me he was extremely proud of the progress I am making with losing weight and all. We are going to have to push the second MRI until after the surgery has passed and I am healed up a bit. That is alright....not my favorite thing in the world.
Well we will have to see how it goes on Thursday.
Did I eat well again today.
Breakfast: Sausage biscuit
Lunch: pretzel chips and roasted pepper hummus
Dinner: salad with 2 oz of chicken, walnuts, raisins and goat cheese
Snack: key lime probiotic yogurt
Lunch: pretzel chips and roasted pepper hummus
Dinner: salad with 2 oz of chicken, walnuts, raisins and goat cheese
Snack: key lime probiotic yogurt
Exercise: 1.25 miles on the treadmill at a 2.5 mile rate - 30 min burning approx 330 calories and traveled at total of 6887 steps today. (last weeks average without Sat figures was 5000 steps so this is almost 7000 steps 2 days in a row)
Right - top of the morning to you all. G'd night!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Today is a good day.
I seriously walked today. My cousin's son is in Austin at the State finals for the last time and I am in Dallas wandering around 68 acres of gardens. He is clearing the 800 meter in 1:57 and I am taking 120 times that to wander around almost 3.5 miles of trails.
He goes and preps for the one miler tomorrow and I come home and every muscle, ligament, tendon and joint just lock up on me. But I feel good. I feel as if I have done something for myself today. I wonder about the sanity when we have a Orange Ozone alert but I needed to get out. I needed to walk. I needed to take photographs.
Dallas Botanical Gardens
A little while ago I wandered over to Marinik's Blog and read the Open you Hearts posting. This is one of the first blogs I have been tempted to speak my mind on and have posted twice now to her. She has an uncanny knack to have a post that resonates with something that I have just thought about or experienced. But I like her blog and hope that if you have the time you will read it to. I will not tell you the premise for her blog. It is for her to in her pages but I admire her heart and resilience.
Well I think I am going to go and collapse here shortly. By the way I am making it longer and longer with the BiPAP mask on. I actually had a conversation with a quiet man at work about an hours over his CPAP mask. He has had it for years and now cannot even nap without it. He takes it where ever he travels and just listening to him and his experience made me realize it is a way of life and there is no reason to fight it. I actually am beginning to feel a hint of security and need to have this mask on at night and to me that is a huge leap in the right direction.
I wonder if they will let me bring it to the hosptial. Need to ask them. Then again do I want it in the hospital?
See ya!
He goes and preps for the one miler tomorrow and I come home and every muscle, ligament, tendon and joint just lock up on me. But I feel good. I feel as if I have done something for myself today. I wonder about the sanity when we have a Orange Ozone alert but I needed to get out. I needed to walk. I needed to take photographs.
Dallas Botanical Gardens
A little while ago I wandered over to Marinik's Blog and read the Open you Hearts posting. This is one of the first blogs I have been tempted to speak my mind on and have posted twice now to her. She has an uncanny knack to have a post that resonates with something that I have just thought about or experienced. But I like her blog and hope that if you have the time you will read it to. I will not tell you the premise for her blog. It is for her to in her pages but I admire her heart and resilience.
Well I think I am going to go and collapse here shortly. By the way I am making it longer and longer with the BiPAP mask on. I actually had a conversation with a quiet man at work about an hours over his CPAP mask. He has had it for years and now cannot even nap without it. He takes it where ever he travels and just listening to him and his experience made me realize it is a way of life and there is no reason to fight it. I actually am beginning to feel a hint of security and need to have this mask on at night and to me that is a huge leap in the right direction.
I wonder if they will let me bring it to the hosptial. Need to ask them. Then again do I want it in the hospital?
See ya!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Time to Repair!!!
Today was really an information gathering session. Dr. Malik is one of the junior partners at the Heart Center of North Texas and really good at what he does. I found out from Cynthia (his nurse for 22 years) that he is booked through December of this year and most of next year is filling up. They fly in from other states and one of his specialties is closing PFO’s.
But the discussions he and I had were intense. Some things became clear to me. I had been reading about this but it was not as clear as he made it. We all develop little clots and such when we bruise or hurt our body. These clots are little and travel through the venous system, the blood going back to the heart. This enters the right chambers and is then pushed through the lungs. This serves two purposes. One is to apply the necessary oxygen to the hemoglobin in the red blood cells. The other is the lungs act as a filter. The filter the dust and such that we breathe in and they filter these little blood clots. The clean air returns to the left chambers of the heart where it travels out to supply the body and brain with oxygen.
Now a PFO that does not close after birth sits there as a little potential short cut from the right side to the left side of the heart bypassing the lungs. This can happen when we sneeze, when we cough, when we strain while sitting on the loo and what I just found out…when we have sleep apnea.
When I stop breathing at night my heart jumps when my body is forced to wake up and take a deep breath. This is the prime opportunity for that clot to move over from one side to the other. Then a TIA or stroke occurs.
I found him to be a very knowledgeable man speaking on both a high intellectual level and knowing that I was understanding this, then also dropping into layman’s terms easily when he could tell I was struggling with a concept.
He was rather interested in how the stroke happened, what symptoms I had and then did some physical examination and had me do some tests that seemed to be more neurological. The first things he said after the examination was that my breath and heart sounds were good. That my neurological disorders were still a little off but mostly normal, that I probably was having issues with numbers, that I was probably still having issues getting the message across and was jumbling up sentences. Sorry but WTF.
I have not really discussed with many that my brother is dealing with my finances as I just cannot deal with it. I had to ask the apartment manager how much my check needed to be written for as I cannot remember numbers. There were no sentences I had to write on the 8 pages of documentation I had to fill in and well he even knew that my short term memory was still a little off. Can I be Hurley here…Dude this guy was kinda creeping me out a little bit. But on the flip side I was impressed.
Good news is he believes that I will gain full functionality back as I am young. Then he dropped the bombshell on me that I have been skirting with avoiding. “Philip, you can keep taking the aggrenox for the rest of your life and not have the surgery but it is not a matter of if you will have another stroke it is a matter of when you will have another stroke if we confirm there is a hole in your heart.”
I know that is the case. I have not wanted to face that reality but it is true. So I have to make a decision. I have to make the decision. I have to make a decision about my life. I know there are lots of factors that have contributed to me being where I am today and most of them are of my own making. I did not take the weight off seriously. I procrastinated. I did not pursue the sleep apnea in Maui. I have made choices that I can change and work on now. I have time. But I cannot do anything about a hole between the right and left chambers of my heart and my body has already suffered. The organ that I need to live and live at the level of intelligence that I want to live at has suffered.
There is no one to make this decision for me. As terrified as I am of having someone invade my heart the prospect without this invasion is just as chilling.
I have to make a decision.
TEE is on the 11th – I go in at 9 and the process starts at 11 am.
Closing the hole in my heart (if the TEE confirms that) is scheduled for the 19th. I go in at 9 am, procedure at 11 – takes about 1-2 hours. Actual process is about 15 minutes long. I will be under anesthesia as they will have the ultrasound scope down my throat as well as going into my heart. I will stay overnight in the hospital and come home on the 20th.
I have made my decision. (my hand trembled when typing that last paragraph but my inner mind lets me know that it is right)
Plans change for the month of June but that is alright. We have to adjust as the world around us adjusts.
I have a direction and that direction is forward.
REPAIR, LEARN and most importantly LIVE
But the discussions he and I had were intense. Some things became clear to me. I had been reading about this but it was not as clear as he made it. We all develop little clots and such when we bruise or hurt our body. These clots are little and travel through the venous system, the blood going back to the heart. This enters the right chambers and is then pushed through the lungs. This serves two purposes. One is to apply the necessary oxygen to the hemoglobin in the red blood cells. The other is the lungs act as a filter. The filter the dust and such that we breathe in and they filter these little blood clots. The clean air returns to the left chambers of the heart where it travels out to supply the body and brain with oxygen.
Now a PFO that does not close after birth sits there as a little potential short cut from the right side to the left side of the heart bypassing the lungs. This can happen when we sneeze, when we cough, when we strain while sitting on the loo and what I just found out…when we have sleep apnea.
When I stop breathing at night my heart jumps when my body is forced to wake up and take a deep breath. This is the prime opportunity for that clot to move over from one side to the other. Then a TIA or stroke occurs.
I found him to be a very knowledgeable man speaking on both a high intellectual level and knowing that I was understanding this, then also dropping into layman’s terms easily when he could tell I was struggling with a concept.
He was rather interested in how the stroke happened, what symptoms I had and then did some physical examination and had me do some tests that seemed to be more neurological. The first things he said after the examination was that my breath and heart sounds were good. That my neurological disorders were still a little off but mostly normal, that I probably was having issues with numbers, that I was probably still having issues getting the message across and was jumbling up sentences. Sorry but WTF.
I have not really discussed with many that my brother is dealing with my finances as I just cannot deal with it. I had to ask the apartment manager how much my check needed to be written for as I cannot remember numbers. There were no sentences I had to write on the 8 pages of documentation I had to fill in and well he even knew that my short term memory was still a little off. Can I be Hurley here…Dude this guy was kinda creeping me out a little bit. But on the flip side I was impressed.
Good news is he believes that I will gain full functionality back as I am young. Then he dropped the bombshell on me that I have been skirting with avoiding. “Philip, you can keep taking the aggrenox for the rest of your life and not have the surgery but it is not a matter of if you will have another stroke it is a matter of when you will have another stroke if we confirm there is a hole in your heart.”
I know that is the case. I have not wanted to face that reality but it is true. So I have to make a decision. I have to make the decision. I have to make a decision about my life. I know there are lots of factors that have contributed to me being where I am today and most of them are of my own making. I did not take the weight off seriously. I procrastinated. I did not pursue the sleep apnea in Maui. I have made choices that I can change and work on now. I have time. But I cannot do anything about a hole between the right and left chambers of my heart and my body has already suffered. The organ that I need to live and live at the level of intelligence that I want to live at has suffered.
There is no one to make this decision for me. As terrified as I am of having someone invade my heart the prospect without this invasion is just as chilling.
I have to make a decision.
TEE is on the 11th – I go in at 9 and the process starts at 11 am.
Closing the hole in my heart (if the TEE confirms that) is scheduled for the 19th. I go in at 9 am, procedure at 11 – takes about 1-2 hours. Actual process is about 15 minutes long. I will be under anesthesia as they will have the ultrasound scope down my throat as well as going into my heart. I will stay overnight in the hospital and come home on the 20th.
I have made my decision. (my hand trembled when typing that last paragraph but my inner mind lets me know that it is right)
Plans change for the month of June but that is alright. We have to adjust as the world around us adjusts.
I have a direction and that direction is forward.
REPAIR, LEARN and most importantly LIVE
Thursday, May 14, 2009
6 reasons to act F.A.S.T.
It’s the second full week of National Stroke Awareness Month. Have you been educating friends and family about how to Act F.A.S.T. to increase recognition of and response to stroke symptoms?
Here’s an easy way! Use the F.A.S.T. method and the tips below to recognize and respond to stroke and to understand the importance of educating everyone about these important facts.
Once you’ve educated yourself, forward this e-mail onto everyone in your contacts list to help spread awareness at a maximum level!
F = FACE Ask the person to smile. Does one side of the face droop?
A = ARM Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one arm drift downward?
S = SPEECH Ask the person to repeat a simple phrase. Does the speech sound slurred or strange?
T = TIME If you observe any of these signs, it’s time to call 9-1-1.
A few easy tips for why understanding stroke symptoms and the proper response are important:
Here’s an easy way! Use the F.A.S.T. method and the tips below to recognize and respond to stroke and to understand the importance of educating everyone about these important facts.
Once you’ve educated yourself, forward this e-mail onto everyone in your contacts list to help spread awareness at a maximum level!
F = FACE Ask the person to smile. Does one side of the face droop?
A = ARM Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one arm drift downward?
S = SPEECH Ask the person to repeat a simple phrase. Does the speech sound slurred or strange?
T = TIME If you observe any of these signs, it’s time to call 9-1-1.
A few easy tips for why understanding stroke symptoms and the proper response are important:
- Stroke requires emergency treatment.
- You only have 3 hours from the onset of stroke symptoms to receive t-PA, a life-saving treatment.
- Fewer than 5% of stroke patients currently receive t-PA.
- In a National Stroke Association/Gallup poll, 17 percent of the respondents over age 50 couldn’t name a single stroke symptom.
- A recent study shows that only 55 percent of patients who have had a stroke were able to identify one stroke symptom.
- Only 38 percent of respondents participating in the CDC’s 2005 Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (the world’s largest, on-going telephone health survey system) were aware of stroke symptoms and would call 9-1-1 if they thought someone was having a stroke.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The wonderful world of walking...
I did my trek this morning through the climbing humidity. I started losing water the moment I stepped out of the house. Never understood that with humidity. It is the amount of water content in the air ... I think. So why do I tend to give more away when the humidity is over 900%. It also does strange things with the temp. Temp says 90 but because the humidity is so thick you can cut it with a knife it feels like 96. OK I am ready for the rain to run its course this month and then we can dry out and have a lot less humidity for June.
But I walked for an hour and 15 minutes...I think I twisted an ankle slightly so I actually road the train from the very back to the front. I cannot wait for MOLA to open...it is the whole new section of the Zoo.
I noticed that I am sore in the legs this afternoon but that is OK. Last day of eating stir fry today and that is probably a good thing. 4 days of the same food is really getting old.
I have to chase down the article on preventing strokes I found and share.
See ya.
But I walked for an hour and 15 minutes...I think I twisted an ankle slightly so I actually road the train from the very back to the front. I cannot wait for MOLA to open...it is the whole new section of the Zoo.
I noticed that I am sore in the legs this afternoon but that is OK. Last day of eating stir fry today and that is probably a good thing. 4 days of the same food is really getting old.
I have to chase down the article on preventing strokes I found and share.
See ya.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Diagnosis
I just read something that I believe in a whole bunch and had to share with everyone before it slips my mind.
We go to a doctor, we tell him our symptoms and we get diagnosed with something. Most of us go on with that diagnosis but many of us should be stopping right there. We need to know what is wrong and why it is wrong, what happened, why now? Just because a doctor slapped a moniker on this series of symptoms called a diagnosis does not give us an understanding of why.
Ask more, challenge for reasons, find out why this happened so that you can change.
We go to a doctor, we tell him our symptoms and we get diagnosed with something. Most of us go on with that diagnosis but many of us should be stopping right there. We need to know what is wrong and why it is wrong, what happened, why now? Just because a doctor slapped a moniker on this series of symptoms called a diagnosis does not give us an understanding of why.
Ask more, challenge for reasons, find out why this happened so that you can change.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Why the food?
Well I am a big guy. I mean big. There are two big things that my neurologist wants me to do.
1. Lose weight.
2. Get my LDL below 100.
Only two things. I have fought with the battle of weight for some time. March 3rd was the heaviest I have ever been. 424 lbs. That is a lot for all of my body to deal with. I have gotten down to 300 lbs but this is ridiculous. I started making changes before then but on the 6th I looked at deaths door and then my worst fear was made real. I have to change it or I will die soon.
I have to repair myself - for myself, my family and friends. I will not go out this way. When I was weighed with my jeans on at the sleep clinic on April 3rd I was at 407 lbs. I have taken it down that much one month. I can do this. I will do this and I am grateful for the opportunity to do this.
1. Lose weight.
2. Get my LDL below 100.
Only two things. I have fought with the battle of weight for some time. March 3rd was the heaviest I have ever been. 424 lbs. That is a lot for all of my body to deal with. I have gotten down to 300 lbs but this is ridiculous. I started making changes before then but on the 6th I looked at deaths door and then my worst fear was made real. I have to change it or I will die soon.
I have to repair myself - for myself, my family and friends. I will not go out this way. When I was weighed with my jeans on at the sleep clinic on April 3rd I was at 407 lbs. I have taken it down that much one month. I can do this. I will do this and I am grateful for the opportunity to do this.
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