Yikes

A whole freaking month? Well I guess it has been. Heart doctor told me that my heart was broken- told him that happened long ago, with a repeat just a little while ago. He was just joking with me. Sadly I was not.

But he gave me a clean bill of health. As far as the heart goes. He wanted that higher heart rate but I learned that important lesson - my carvedilol is working. It stops the heart rate from escalating. So the hours and hours on the treadmills and bikes where I have tried to raise the heart rate and gotten frustrated are now clear to me.

Was supposed to have a sleep study this last Monday but I was so sick - pretty much in bed all day Sunday and most of Monday. So that got pushed. Sleep is disjointed this week but I think I have been trying to get too much done during the day and not getting there until 11 or 12. That is a little bit late for the new me.

Yep that is weird to write as a year ago I would not, could not get to bed before 1 am. Now that is late. I think that the Colorado trips and the all night driving have my time schedule all a kilter. So time to change. Slowly get that sleeping schedule skewed back correctly.

I know the other part is psychological. I get used to sleeping by myself and become fine with that. When I have to share my bed or sleep in the same room as others I actually sleep deeper. Sleep more soundly than I ever do by myself. Then when that is taken away I fall into a state of having to get comfortable with being all alone again. It goes back to one of those personal deep seated fears.

So in a couple of weeks the routine will be back.

That and listening to others going through challenges bring back thoughts and emotions that are tucked behind doors. It is good. It allows me to explore them with a new perspective, it allows me to spend time on the inner me.

Right now I love the inner me, I love the person I am inside. I can freely and honestly say that I hate the shell though that carries it around. This is my cross to carry, to work on, to continue to fail with changing until I can find that ability to make the correct change. At least I can hold onto that as a hope.

That is me in a nutshell right now. Playing with a 7D and contemplating how to get some different lenses. Trying different routes in life. Living. Loving. Learning.

Namaste my friends.