A whole freaking month? Well I guess it has been. Heart doctor told me that my heart was broken- told him that happened long ago, with a repeat just a little while ago. He was just joking with me. Sadly I was not.
But he gave me a clean bill of health. As far as the heart goes. He wanted that higher heart rate but I learned that important lesson - my carvedilol is working. It stops the heart rate from escalating. So the hours and hours on the treadmills and bikes where I have tried to raise the heart rate and gotten frustrated are now clear to me.
Was supposed to have a sleep study this last Monday but I was so sick - pretty much in bed all day Sunday and most of Monday. So that got pushed. Sleep is disjointed this week but I think I have been trying to get too much done during the day and not getting there until 11 or 12. That is a little bit late for the new me.
Yep that is weird to write as a year ago I would not, could not get to bed before 1 am. Now that is late. I think that the Colorado trips and the all night driving have my time schedule all a kilter. So time to change. Slowly get that sleeping schedule skewed back correctly.
I know the other part is psychological. I get used to sleeping by myself and become fine with that. When I have to share my bed or sleep in the same room as others I actually sleep deeper. Sleep more soundly than I ever do by myself. Then when that is taken away I fall into a state of having to get comfortable with being all alone again. It goes back to one of those personal deep seated fears.
So in a couple of weeks the routine will be back.
That and listening to others going through challenges bring back thoughts and emotions that are tucked behind doors. It is good. It allows me to explore them with a new perspective, it allows me to spend time on the inner me.
Right now I love the inner me, I love the person I am inside. I can freely and honestly say that I hate the shell though that carries it around. This is my cross to carry, to work on, to continue to fail with changing until I can find that ability to make the correct change. At least I can hold onto that as a hope.
That is me in a nutshell right now. Playing with a 7D and contemplating how to get some different lenses. Trying different routes in life. Living. Loving. Learning.
Namaste my friends.
Showing posts with label direction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label direction. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
News
Currently my dad has been in the air for a little bit less than 3 hours so another 5 to go. I really don't envy him. I am not a traveler who can sleep due to my need for control in those situations. So those overnight flights back to England always do me in. I am totally exhausted by the time we get there and I then have to get from London to Norwich. No easy feat on little or no sleep. At least my Uncle is picking him up from the airport.
Me, I have my 3 month check up today. Good news. My weight loss is now at 83 lbs for the total duration since March of 2009. I have lost and managed to keep it off. I continue to lose and that is good. Kidneys, liver and all those internal organ tests came back right where they need to be. My pre-diabetes number is shifting away from the diabetes side of the spectrum and that is a plus.
I like what my doctor told me today - he is really real sometimes - "it is good that you are moving away from the diabetes side of things but I don't want you to think that if we shift far away from that, that you will never have diabetes. Reality is, Philip, that the lifestyle you lived for so many years is going to haunt you for the rest of your life." It is a sobering thought but one that I have always understood. I like it when a doctor is both and optimist while being a realist.
Now however I have to go see a surgeon and that does send alarms up and down my spine. But I will go and see what he has to say. Second and third opinions are always a good thing. So we shall see where this all goes but guess what .. it is all good and necessary.
We live, we learn, we adjust and repair what we can and then, for kicks and giggles, we keep on living.
Good night.
Me, I have my 3 month check up today. Good news. My weight loss is now at 83 lbs for the total duration since March of 2009. I have lost and managed to keep it off. I continue to lose and that is good. Kidneys, liver and all those internal organ tests came back right where they need to be. My pre-diabetes number is shifting away from the diabetes side of the spectrum and that is a plus.
I like what my doctor told me today - he is really real sometimes - "it is good that you are moving away from the diabetes side of things but I don't want you to think that if we shift far away from that, that you will never have diabetes. Reality is, Philip, that the lifestyle you lived for so many years is going to haunt you for the rest of your life." It is a sobering thought but one that I have always understood. I like it when a doctor is both and optimist while being a realist.
Now however I have to go see a surgeon and that does send alarms up and down my spine. But I will go and see what he has to say. Second and third opinions are always a good thing. So we shall see where this all goes but guess what .. it is all good and necessary.
We live, we learn, we adjust and repair what we can and then, for kicks and giggles, we keep on living.
Good night.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
In case you wondered
Neurologist told me they could not find my brain. He was totally serious and that made me stop in my tracks. This man does not joke around ... or does he. Is that the twitch of a corner of the mouth there. Thank God. I knew I had a brain, unless this is the afterlife?
Somewhat clean bill of health. Concern was rendered about these little headaches that come and almost incapacitate me but are gone in a matter of 5 to 10 minutes. We are looking for a trigger and going to rule things out.
Got another years worth of stroke medicine scripts and a free month supply ... nice, cos this is the expensive stuff.
Plus in 5 minutes and with a safety pin he gave me the diagnosis of carpal tunnel, without the $900 test that the other doctors insisted that I run. Gave me one simple exercise to work on to hopefully make some of this go away. If not we will cross that bridge together. (Well actually he said I could go first in case there were any trolls that wanted a toll ... I am seeing another side of this wise old man).
So now I move onward with changing lifestyles, loss and gain, hope and a smile on my face for I have life, my wonderful families love and some of the greatest friends a simple boy from the countryside in England could have ever wanted when he grew up.
Peace and love.
Somewhat clean bill of health. Concern was rendered about these little headaches that come and almost incapacitate me but are gone in a matter of 5 to 10 minutes. We are looking for a trigger and going to rule things out.
Got another years worth of stroke medicine scripts and a free month supply ... nice, cos this is the expensive stuff.
Plus in 5 minutes and with a safety pin he gave me the diagnosis of carpal tunnel, without the $900 test that the other doctors insisted that I run. Gave me one simple exercise to work on to hopefully make some of this go away. If not we will cross that bridge together. (Well actually he said I could go first in case there were any trolls that wanted a toll ... I am seeing another side of this wise old man).
So now I move onward with changing lifestyles, loss and gain, hope and a smile on my face for I have life, my wonderful families love and some of the greatest friends a simple boy from the countryside in England could have ever wanted when he grew up.
Peace and love.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tough choices
Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.
You scratch your head and wonder what the heck is up with Philip. Well I will tell you. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that led to a brief discussion in a car ride home from watching Toy Story III with the girls that was short but poignant.
It all began with a text about someone being in the hospital. A trip there and to see the situation of a man who was fighting to get out to feed an addiction. A man who is now sedated in ICU to detox. A wife of this man who is trapped in the fact that she has, for so long, been the person who has lived with this addiction beside her. A woman who knows she should do that which she does not want to and is torn.
It was so hard to see. So uncomfortable to watch this situation unfold, the nurses frustration, the anger of the wife and the spiteful need that horribly rolled from the face of the man. It sunk into the core of me. Even now, a couple of days later, I am chilled inside thinking about what I saw.
I turned to Tammy in the car after the movie I had tried to enjoy, but had this separate filmstrip running constantly in the background of my mind, and told her that if I am ever like that she can absolutely walk away. I give you that right to do that today before it happens.
Her response was that what she would do would be out of love. She would have me declared incompetent so that she could do what needed to be done. That I could be placed where she would know that I would be taken care of and she would have that piece of mind that she was doing the right thing.
As with the thoughts of that man in the hospital that revisit me these words hang on and today I am still severely humbled by her love for me and that she would do what she needed to do for me while still being able to maintain her sense of sanity and live how she knows I would want her to.
Saturday night for me was a night of pondering. A night of cataloging the day and pondering the thoughts of tomorrow.
As reasonable and responsible people we need to make sure that our loved ones know our wishes. As much as we may not want to discuss those possibilities, tomorrow may never come, or at least come in a form that we are cognizant of. I love Tammy for saying what she did. I know that both of us watched at the hospital and had our minds in disarray for the rest of the day as we personally digested what we saw, thought about it and finally that evening after the day was under control compared notes, shared opinions and understood that we cannot understand or predict what will happen with those two impacted by one man's addiction.
That man's addiction and obsession though does impact 3 others, and from that 6 children and those whom love those 3 and 6. Thus things are in motion that need to be in motion. The hospital stepped in and took care of a situation that they could and had power to take care of. Thus the wheels on that life story are progressing forward.
They could move more smoothly though if we take control today over what may or will happen tomorrow. Take control now of those things you need to and talk. Push aside the fears and be pleasantly touched by the love of those whom you love.
as I began I close this thought ...
Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.
You scratch your head and wonder what the heck is up with Philip. Well I will tell you. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that led to a brief discussion in a car ride home from watching Toy Story III with the girls that was short but poignant.
It all began with a text about someone being in the hospital. A trip there and to see the situation of a man who was fighting to get out to feed an addiction. A man who is now sedated in ICU to detox. A wife of this man who is trapped in the fact that she has, for so long, been the person who has lived with this addiction beside her. A woman who knows she should do that which she does not want to and is torn.
It was so hard to see. So uncomfortable to watch this situation unfold, the nurses frustration, the anger of the wife and the spiteful need that horribly rolled from the face of the man. It sunk into the core of me. Even now, a couple of days later, I am chilled inside thinking about what I saw.
I turned to Tammy in the car after the movie I had tried to enjoy, but had this separate filmstrip running constantly in the background of my mind, and told her that if I am ever like that she can absolutely walk away. I give you that right to do that today before it happens.
Her response was that what she would do would be out of love. She would have me declared incompetent so that she could do what needed to be done. That I could be placed where she would know that I would be taken care of and she would have that piece of mind that she was doing the right thing.
As with the thoughts of that man in the hospital that revisit me these words hang on and today I am still severely humbled by her love for me and that she would do what she needed to do for me while still being able to maintain her sense of sanity and live how she knows I would want her to.
Saturday night for me was a night of pondering. A night of cataloging the day and pondering the thoughts of tomorrow.
As yesterday is history, and tomorrow may never come, I have resolved from this day on, I will do all the business I can honestly, have all the fun I can reasonably, do all the good I can willingly, and save my digestion by thinking pleasantly.Oh there are so many reasons to save my digestion from thinking pleasantly today about right now. BUT there is a need to have the talks that husband and wife, two people committed to each other, parents and adult children, and in some cases parents with children that may, if I can pervert Robert Louis Stevenson's words, give us indigestion by thinking unpleasantly.
Robert Louis Stevenson
As reasonable and responsible people we need to make sure that our loved ones know our wishes. As much as we may not want to discuss those possibilities, tomorrow may never come, or at least come in a form that we are cognizant of. I love Tammy for saying what she did. I know that both of us watched at the hospital and had our minds in disarray for the rest of the day as we personally digested what we saw, thought about it and finally that evening after the day was under control compared notes, shared opinions and understood that we cannot understand or predict what will happen with those two impacted by one man's addiction.
That man's addiction and obsession though does impact 3 others, and from that 6 children and those whom love those 3 and 6. Thus things are in motion that need to be in motion. The hospital stepped in and took care of a situation that they could and had power to take care of. Thus the wheels on that life story are progressing forward.
They could move more smoothly though if we take control today over what may or will happen tomorrow. Take control now of those things you need to and talk. Push aside the fears and be pleasantly touched by the love of those whom you love.
as I began I close this thought ...
Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
No more
...yet National Awareness Month continues. The National Stroke Association website has so much more on it yet it is overwhelming at times. It becomes too much to deal with. Thus I have conveyed the most poignant points that I could find knowing that you may or may not read them, knowing that you may or may not pay attention to them, knowing that you may or may not care that these could be you.
But I have to try.
I have to try and convince one person to change one habit, to learn one new fact, to understand me a little bit, to strive to improve themselves and in the progress of doing this mitigate some of their risk. I watch people do things every day that make my heart cry and die a little bit when they are those I care about. I know that what they are doing is not healthy but whom am I to speak.
I am someone who took too long to realize, too long to make a change, procrastinated too many times. That is what I think it boils down to for many. I think you know and are aware but you wait, thinking you can push it off until tomorrow and that eventually you will make a change. I was that person, still am that person in some aspects but I am changing. I chose to change for I know first hand that there may not be a tomorrow and need to do what I can to improve my world, improve me, correct some of the wrongs that I can correct and prepare for that which will come.
I cannot ask you to change for that change has to come from you. I can only show you what I have learned. Give you words that show what I have found and know that I believe them. I will post no more about strokes this month, the controllable risks or any of that. I cannot as it makes me sad. It takes me to a place where I was. I am not there now, but to be reminded day in and day out with this is sometimes too much. I am faced with enough daily reminders and challenges as it is.
So thank you for reading, those who read, and know that I appreciate any time that you put into this.
Peace ... Namaste
But I have to try.
I have to try and convince one person to change one habit, to learn one new fact, to understand me a little bit, to strive to improve themselves and in the progress of doing this mitigate some of their risk. I watch people do things every day that make my heart cry and die a little bit when they are those I care about. I know that what they are doing is not healthy but whom am I to speak.
I am someone who took too long to realize, too long to make a change, procrastinated too many times. That is what I think it boils down to for many. I think you know and are aware but you wait, thinking you can push it off until tomorrow and that eventually you will make a change. I was that person, still am that person in some aspects but I am changing. I chose to change for I know first hand that there may not be a tomorrow and need to do what I can to improve my world, improve me, correct some of the wrongs that I can correct and prepare for that which will come.
I cannot ask you to change for that change has to come from you. I can only show you what I have learned. Give you words that show what I have found and know that I believe them. I will post no more about strokes this month, the controllable risks or any of that. I cannot as it makes me sad. It takes me to a place where I was. I am not there now, but to be reminded day in and day out with this is sometimes too much. I am faced with enough daily reminders and challenges as it is.
So thank you for reading, those who read, and know that I appreciate any time that you put into this.
Peace ... Namaste
Monday, April 12, 2010
A tale of two trees
OK that is me. Me. No not the tree on the right side of the picture the other tree on the left side wearing blue. WOW was that a wake up call. I thank my beloved for taking pictures for a change with me in them.
I am still huge. Well that is how I see myself when I look at those pictures. You know I don't see this when I look in the mirror. I don't see this when I look at myself and I needed to see this. I need to have the issue reinforced that I look like I am wearing a tent cos I am.
Oh well.
Good news is that Tammy and I have a little friendly challenge going on from the 15th of April to the 30th of June. I need this. She wants to shed a wee bit and I need to keep losing ... losing ... losing. Now I have motivation. A little contest. We both win for getting a little bit healthier. I win for dealing with the continued weight loss after the strokes, she wins as she gets her goal accomplished. We have a little friendly wager on prizes and if we are both diligent, and we both agree that we have been diligent, then a weekend getaway in July.
Let me see. FAT like me in the photo's horrifying. Lose some weight with my wonderful love and we both get more fit, a little wager and weekend together. Hmmm I vote for less of me in a picture of us both together on a getaway weekend. Sounds good to me.
But I am sharing the pictures of me as this is me today, 12th of April, 2010. I have gone quite a way but I have quite a way to go.
I am so looking forward to this little challenge. In reality I just want to be in the lower 200's again and that is 100+ lbs away.
Hello me ... say goodbye to this me.
Oh and baby ... don't stop taking photos of me because of this post. I need this. I need to be reminded of who I am and who I am becoming from the perspective of others.
(oh the wonderful 6 year old in the pictures with me is Elizabeth. I love her spunk. She reminds me of someone I know :)
Friday, November 20, 2009
Eye see
Well it is one of those trips that I had been putting off. The trip to the optometrist. But all in all not a bad adventure today. I had no appointment but like the fact that I impulsively cleaned the grout lines and washed the fan blades today I walked on in and said help. Kara Nguyen is a really nice lady and her team was great. I was really appreciating all the information she was giving me until the glaucoma test. The solution and then the yellow dye and they still freaking burn hours later.
But I did the extra testing they have that is electronic and shows peripheral vision loss. She strongly advised it due to the strokes and it may have been and extra $25 but the end result is absolutely no vision loss in that area. Actually I had one false positive response and I knew it as it happened and pointed it out. Thus another 100 for Philip. I am wondering if I should get another A on my report card for that one.
Kara did give me some rather interesting information about what happens to the eye after 40 and the hardening of the lens within the eye. Thus the need for bifocals for some and she sees that in my future but today it was still that my lenses were changing in prescription but I pretty much still need to only wear them for driving and maybe watching a movie in the theater or some function in a large hall where the stage is far away. I knew that the prescription needed to be adjusted but I am glad that for right now I do not need anything for reading.
She also walked through the fact that the eyes can also have a stroke and I did not know that. That the eye can have its own stroke. But she thought I should know in light of what I have gone through. I need to read up more on that one.
So glasses ordered and should be in the first part of next week. Thus my eyes can continue to see.
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Long day
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Friday, September 4, 2009
Follow ups
Image via Wikipedia
First my sleep doctor. Well everything checks out. I have gone from stopping breathing...what was it like 69 times and hour while sleeping to 3.4 times per hour. My leak readings is in the moderate range which is when I move some times at night I may pull the mask to where it is not pushing all the air into my nasal passages and may be spilling over the side of my face. It was not the high end and to be expected with someone learning the mask. I got the low down on every 6 months get a new mask. A pat on the back for doing a great job and then ... we will see you in a year.
Yahoo. One down and all is well.
Mum and dad show up but no Great Dane. I was actually kinda looking forward to having Venus around but it would have made it hard for us to do some things over the course of the day as to leaving her in a strange place by herself is probably not the best of intentions.
So lunch, take my really powerful Xanax and off to see the wizard. The wizard of the open MRI that is. I have done the tube one and that put me over the edge....I literally tried to crawl out of that one and had to be talked down from the ledge. Now the first time I went into an open MRI in 2006 to have my brain scanned when I was having serious migraines I flipped. I was doing OK until they put that mask over my face....then I lost it. One word - claustrophobia.
I had to be seriously drugged up to have that done the next day. **an aside....funny I can hear my dad snoring and that is actually a beautiful sound** Then when I had the MRI done here when they found the strokes had happened I had been given I was given some serious tablets of Xanax from my doctor and had to take all 3 to make it through.
But you know today, well my parents were there which is always good grounding for me, and I only took the .5mg Xanax and it seemed OK. I think the repetitiveness of this, the fact that I have lost weight and no longer have my gut touching the top wall (I could only get it to brush it if I really took one of those fill every crevice of you body deep breaths) and I even opened my eyes. Plus the contrast stick went well. Last time I think the one guy stabbed me 9 times and then the contrast did not flow like they wanted. So maybe next week by Wednesday/Thursday I will get the results and well all we can do is learn and live....learn and live.
Peace
Monday, June 15, 2009
Continuing onward....
From what I have been able to piece together I am possibly part of 1 or less percentage of the population. Well let me narrow that down a bit and say of the population of people whom have had a stroke with signs of a PFO (grade 3) in a test, yet have nothing show up when the pictures of my heart were taken through the esophagus. Yep I am a fluke.
But lets see that 1 percent or less has a PFO that is not standard. Most of these PFO have a flap that covers them and it is usually on the left side of the heat which is why under the right pressures it opens. Now that is 99% of the people in my situation. Now the other 1% have the flap on the right side. Thus held close pretty much all the dang time by pressure except for when the planets align, an asteroid is streaking by the earth, the beings in Jupiters clouds and drinking a vanilla frosty from Wendys all at the same time then the flap opens and a little clor gets through. Causes a stroke. Or in the impossible likeliness that this happens twice in one month (me) there are 2 strokes.
But the darn hole has hidden itself from the eyes in my esophagus and my cardiologist. There is an invasive test where we go into the heart with a mini camera from the veins and run the tests of micro bubbles while closely examining the walls. I just don't know at this point. I think my cardiologist is at the same point.
So I have a meeting with him on the 6th of July, it is confirmed that there is no surgery this Friday to fix what is potentially there but cannot be found and I have to once again find answers and questions, or is that questions and answers.
At this point all I can do is keep on doing what I am doing.
See ya!
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But lets see that 1 percent or less has a PFO that is not standard. Most of these PFO have a flap that covers them and it is usually on the left side of the heat which is why under the right pressures it opens. Now that is 99% of the people in my situation. Now the other 1% have the flap on the right side. Thus held close pretty much all the dang time by pressure except for when the planets align, an asteroid is streaking by the earth, the beings in Jupiters clouds and drinking a vanilla frosty from Wendys all at the same time then the flap opens and a little clor gets through. Causes a stroke. Or in the impossible likeliness that this happens twice in one month (me) there are 2 strokes.
But the darn hole has hidden itself from the eyes in my esophagus and my cardiologist. There is an invasive test where we go into the heart with a mini camera from the veins and run the tests of micro bubbles while closely examining the walls. I just don't know at this point. I think my cardiologist is at the same point.
So I have a meeting with him on the 6th of July, it is confirmed that there is no surgery this Friday to fix what is potentially there but cannot be found and I have to once again find answers and questions, or is that questions and answers.
At this point all I can do is keep on doing what I am doing.
See ya!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Today is a good day.
I seriously walked today. My cousin's son is in Austin at the State finals for the last time and I am in Dallas wandering around 68 acres of gardens. He is clearing the 800 meter in 1:57 and I am taking 120 times that to wander around almost 3.5 miles of trails.
He goes and preps for the one miler tomorrow and I come home and every muscle, ligament, tendon and joint just lock up on me. But I feel good. I feel as if I have done something for myself today. I wonder about the sanity when we have a Orange Ozone alert but I needed to get out. I needed to walk. I needed to take photographs.
Dallas Botanical Gardens
A little while ago I wandered over to Marinik's Blog and read the Open you Hearts posting. This is one of the first blogs I have been tempted to speak my mind on and have posted twice now to her. She has an uncanny knack to have a post that resonates with something that I have just thought about or experienced. But I like her blog and hope that if you have the time you will read it to. I will not tell you the premise for her blog. It is for her to in her pages but I admire her heart and resilience.
Well I think I am going to go and collapse here shortly. By the way I am making it longer and longer with the BiPAP mask on. I actually had a conversation with a quiet man at work about an hours over his CPAP mask. He has had it for years and now cannot even nap without it. He takes it where ever he travels and just listening to him and his experience made me realize it is a way of life and there is no reason to fight it. I actually am beginning to feel a hint of security and need to have this mask on at night and to me that is a huge leap in the right direction.
I wonder if they will let me bring it to the hosptial. Need to ask them. Then again do I want it in the hospital?
See ya!
He goes and preps for the one miler tomorrow and I come home and every muscle, ligament, tendon and joint just lock up on me. But I feel good. I feel as if I have done something for myself today. I wonder about the sanity when we have a Orange Ozone alert but I needed to get out. I needed to walk. I needed to take photographs.
Dallas Botanical Gardens
A little while ago I wandered over to Marinik's Blog and read the Open you Hearts posting. This is one of the first blogs I have been tempted to speak my mind on and have posted twice now to her. She has an uncanny knack to have a post that resonates with something that I have just thought about or experienced. But I like her blog and hope that if you have the time you will read it to. I will not tell you the premise for her blog. It is for her to in her pages but I admire her heart and resilience.
Well I think I am going to go and collapse here shortly. By the way I am making it longer and longer with the BiPAP mask on. I actually had a conversation with a quiet man at work about an hours over his CPAP mask. He has had it for years and now cannot even nap without it. He takes it where ever he travels and just listening to him and his experience made me realize it is a way of life and there is no reason to fight it. I actually am beginning to feel a hint of security and need to have this mask on at night and to me that is a huge leap in the right direction.
I wonder if they will let me bring it to the hosptial. Need to ask them. Then again do I want it in the hospital?
See ya!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Time to Repair!!!
Today was really an information gathering session. Dr. Malik is one of the junior partners at the Heart Center of North Texas and really good at what he does. I found out from Cynthia (his nurse for 22 years) that he is booked through December of this year and most of next year is filling up. They fly in from other states and one of his specialties is closing PFO’s.
But the discussions he and I had were intense. Some things became clear to me. I had been reading about this but it was not as clear as he made it. We all develop little clots and such when we bruise or hurt our body. These clots are little and travel through the venous system, the blood going back to the heart. This enters the right chambers and is then pushed through the lungs. This serves two purposes. One is to apply the necessary oxygen to the hemoglobin in the red blood cells. The other is the lungs act as a filter. The filter the dust and such that we breathe in and they filter these little blood clots. The clean air returns to the left chambers of the heart where it travels out to supply the body and brain with oxygen.
Now a PFO that does not close after birth sits there as a little potential short cut from the right side to the left side of the heart bypassing the lungs. This can happen when we sneeze, when we cough, when we strain while sitting on the loo and what I just found out…when we have sleep apnea.
When I stop breathing at night my heart jumps when my body is forced to wake up and take a deep breath. This is the prime opportunity for that clot to move over from one side to the other. Then a TIA or stroke occurs.
I found him to be a very knowledgeable man speaking on both a high intellectual level and knowing that I was understanding this, then also dropping into layman’s terms easily when he could tell I was struggling with a concept.
He was rather interested in how the stroke happened, what symptoms I had and then did some physical examination and had me do some tests that seemed to be more neurological. The first things he said after the examination was that my breath and heart sounds were good. That my neurological disorders were still a little off but mostly normal, that I probably was having issues with numbers, that I was probably still having issues getting the message across and was jumbling up sentences. Sorry but WTF.
I have not really discussed with many that my brother is dealing with my finances as I just cannot deal with it. I had to ask the apartment manager how much my check needed to be written for as I cannot remember numbers. There were no sentences I had to write on the 8 pages of documentation I had to fill in and well he even knew that my short term memory was still a little off. Can I be Hurley here…Dude this guy was kinda creeping me out a little bit. But on the flip side I was impressed.
Good news is he believes that I will gain full functionality back as I am young. Then he dropped the bombshell on me that I have been skirting with avoiding. “Philip, you can keep taking the aggrenox for the rest of your life and not have the surgery but it is not a matter of if you will have another stroke it is a matter of when you will have another stroke if we confirm there is a hole in your heart.”
I know that is the case. I have not wanted to face that reality but it is true. So I have to make a decision. I have to make the decision. I have to make a decision about my life. I know there are lots of factors that have contributed to me being where I am today and most of them are of my own making. I did not take the weight off seriously. I procrastinated. I did not pursue the sleep apnea in Maui. I have made choices that I can change and work on now. I have time. But I cannot do anything about a hole between the right and left chambers of my heart and my body has already suffered. The organ that I need to live and live at the level of intelligence that I want to live at has suffered.
There is no one to make this decision for me. As terrified as I am of having someone invade my heart the prospect without this invasion is just as chilling.
I have to make a decision.
TEE is on the 11th – I go in at 9 and the process starts at 11 am.
Closing the hole in my heart (if the TEE confirms that) is scheduled for the 19th. I go in at 9 am, procedure at 11 – takes about 1-2 hours. Actual process is about 15 minutes long. I will be under anesthesia as they will have the ultrasound scope down my throat as well as going into my heart. I will stay overnight in the hospital and come home on the 20th.
I have made my decision. (my hand trembled when typing that last paragraph but my inner mind lets me know that it is right)
Plans change for the month of June but that is alright. We have to adjust as the world around us adjusts.
I have a direction and that direction is forward.
REPAIR, LEARN and most importantly LIVE
But the discussions he and I had were intense. Some things became clear to me. I had been reading about this but it was not as clear as he made it. We all develop little clots and such when we bruise or hurt our body. These clots are little and travel through the venous system, the blood going back to the heart. This enters the right chambers and is then pushed through the lungs. This serves two purposes. One is to apply the necessary oxygen to the hemoglobin in the red blood cells. The other is the lungs act as a filter. The filter the dust and such that we breathe in and they filter these little blood clots. The clean air returns to the left chambers of the heart where it travels out to supply the body and brain with oxygen.
Now a PFO that does not close after birth sits there as a little potential short cut from the right side to the left side of the heart bypassing the lungs. This can happen when we sneeze, when we cough, when we strain while sitting on the loo and what I just found out…when we have sleep apnea.
When I stop breathing at night my heart jumps when my body is forced to wake up and take a deep breath. This is the prime opportunity for that clot to move over from one side to the other. Then a TIA or stroke occurs.
I found him to be a very knowledgeable man speaking on both a high intellectual level and knowing that I was understanding this, then also dropping into layman’s terms easily when he could tell I was struggling with a concept.
He was rather interested in how the stroke happened, what symptoms I had and then did some physical examination and had me do some tests that seemed to be more neurological. The first things he said after the examination was that my breath and heart sounds were good. That my neurological disorders were still a little off but mostly normal, that I probably was having issues with numbers, that I was probably still having issues getting the message across and was jumbling up sentences. Sorry but WTF.
I have not really discussed with many that my brother is dealing with my finances as I just cannot deal with it. I had to ask the apartment manager how much my check needed to be written for as I cannot remember numbers. There were no sentences I had to write on the 8 pages of documentation I had to fill in and well he even knew that my short term memory was still a little off. Can I be Hurley here…Dude this guy was kinda creeping me out a little bit. But on the flip side I was impressed.
Good news is he believes that I will gain full functionality back as I am young. Then he dropped the bombshell on me that I have been skirting with avoiding. “Philip, you can keep taking the aggrenox for the rest of your life and not have the surgery but it is not a matter of if you will have another stroke it is a matter of when you will have another stroke if we confirm there is a hole in your heart.”
I know that is the case. I have not wanted to face that reality but it is true. So I have to make a decision. I have to make the decision. I have to make a decision about my life. I know there are lots of factors that have contributed to me being where I am today and most of them are of my own making. I did not take the weight off seriously. I procrastinated. I did not pursue the sleep apnea in Maui. I have made choices that I can change and work on now. I have time. But I cannot do anything about a hole between the right and left chambers of my heart and my body has already suffered. The organ that I need to live and live at the level of intelligence that I want to live at has suffered.
There is no one to make this decision for me. As terrified as I am of having someone invade my heart the prospect without this invasion is just as chilling.
I have to make a decision.
TEE is on the 11th – I go in at 9 and the process starts at 11 am.
Closing the hole in my heart (if the TEE confirms that) is scheduled for the 19th. I go in at 9 am, procedure at 11 – takes about 1-2 hours. Actual process is about 15 minutes long. I will be under anesthesia as they will have the ultrasound scope down my throat as well as going into my heart. I will stay overnight in the hospital and come home on the 20th.
I have made my decision. (my hand trembled when typing that last paragraph but my inner mind lets me know that it is right)
Plans change for the month of June but that is alright. We have to adjust as the world around us adjusts.
I have a direction and that direction is forward.
REPAIR, LEARN and most importantly LIVE
Friday, May 1, 2009
Shock....
OK I have a blooming headache that is driving me nuts. It is probably related to this weather but I don't have time to figure that out. I will ask the big neurologist tomorrow.
But I have to say...OMG. My jaw just hit the floor. So I do not have a scale...well let me change that...did not have a scale cos the ones at the stores don't normally go that high...weight wise. But now I do. Now I do.
Got the batteries for it today and got it going. Stood on it and I knew that could not be right...I must not be standing on it right. Stood on it again. OK it was not right but is this right. Three times I stood on it and the same number came up so it must be right.
388.0
I sat there and did the math really quick. Now I know that I started at 424.7 on March 3rd so that is 36.7. Almost 37 lbs in 57 days. Average is around what 4 lbs shed a week. OMG.
This explains why the dress shirts are fitting again and why the ties are coming out of the closet and why I have to wear a belt now!
I am giving myself a pat on the back :)
But I have to say...OMG. My jaw just hit the floor. So I do not have a scale...well let me change that...did not have a scale cos the ones at the stores don't normally go that high...weight wise. But now I do. Now I do.
Got the batteries for it today and got it going. Stood on it and I knew that could not be right...I must not be standing on it right. Stood on it again. OK it was not right but is this right. Three times I stood on it and the same number came up so it must be right.
388.0
I sat there and did the math really quick. Now I know that I started at 424.7 on March 3rd so that is 36.7. Almost 37 lbs in 57 days. Average is around what 4 lbs shed a week. OMG.
This explains why the dress shirts are fitting again and why the ties are coming out of the closet and why I have to wear a belt now!
I am giving myself a pat on the back :)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Can we change
I think fundamentally we can change. I do not know how we do it or why it happens but we do it. My dinner today was broccoli, my dark salad and the vinegar/oil dressing and then I had the rest of that stir fry concoction from yesterday. It was great the second day around. Must remember to not forget onions and water chestnuts ...oh also mushrooms to add to it next time and make it bigger so it lasts for a couple of days.
But I was contemplating just now...three.five hours after dinner that I might be a little hungry. I thought for a second about the snack machine behind me. (nothing in it should I eat) I thought nope there is nothing there. I went and refilled my 20 oz Rubbermaid bottle with water and looked at what was actually in there. The only thing that briefly caught my eye was the peanut m&m's. But only for about 5 seconds...long enough for me to think is it worth it. Then as I walked away I realized I think I am fundamentally beginning to change. I know it is not set in stone yet but I think I am learning how to make decisions that may benefit me. That is good.
But I was contemplating just now...three.five hours after dinner that I might be a little hungry. I thought for a second about the snack machine behind me. (nothing in it should I eat) I thought nope there is nothing there. I went and refilled my 20 oz Rubbermaid bottle with water and looked at what was actually in there. The only thing that briefly caught my eye was the peanut m&m's. But only for about 5 seconds...long enough for me to think is it worth it. Then as I walked away I realized I think I am fundamentally beginning to change. I know it is not set in stone yet but I think I am learning how to make decisions that may benefit me. That is good.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Pop's wisdom
"So how did you do?"
"Well I walked the whole thing. Last year they were in laps and I was going to stop after one lap. But this year they had a real route."
"Well you did well."
"I guess so I am really sore right now and I slept for two hours this afternoon."
"But look how far you have come. When you were down here a couple of weeks ago (Easter) you could hardly walk in the backyard without losing your breath. Now look at you."
"Yeah...you are right."
Sometimes it takes the ones you love to point out the obvious that is right in front of your face.
"Well I walked the whole thing. Last year they were in laps and I was going to stop after one lap. But this year they had a real route."
"Well you did well."
"I guess so I am really sore right now and I slept for two hours this afternoon."
"But look how far you have come. When you were down here a couple of weeks ago (Easter) you could hardly walk in the backyard without losing your breath. Now look at you."
"Yeah...you are right."
Sometimes it takes the ones you love to point out the obvious that is right in front of your face.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
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