Just a matter of time

Well dad made it home Thursday. Amazingly on the flight over no one was in the row with him or the row in front. As a matter of fact, he told mum, there were a lot of empty seats on the plane. So the eight our trip was uneventful and smooth. He was able to get up a few times and walk around - do his exercises less that disc in his back give him lots of grief.

My Uncle Gerald met him at the airport and they had a spot of tea or coffee and then the drive from London to Norwich. They went straight over to see grandma. She was there and she knew who he was. So Thursday she was cognizant of who her son was. She had not eaten any food for almost 3 weeks and had a morphine drip. Still at home with home care there in the morning and evening and one of her four children there during the day.

Now the nurses from home care have to stay with her overnight. She was waiting for dad to get home. We all knew she was. She was aware, as I mentioned, of whom he was on Thursday, on Friday she had only a couple of oz of liquid and still knew him, today she was in the bed the entire day with her eyes closed almost all day. She was, and this is second hand information, not seemingly aware of much around her and a couple of comments issued from her mouth that ... were they dreams coming forth or is reality slipping away.

On the phone with mum this afternoon, evening there, I think the enormity of this hit my father and through the tears he hoped that his mum would go soon. The doctors think it will be any day now. This is not something anyone wants to contemplate but it is a reality so many of us must face at some point in our life.

I find these things out when I go calling for the information. Much of this information would eventually make it to me but who knows when. Thus I find out this after spending 20 minutes on the phone with my brother and then another 40 minutes with mum. Thus it is 10:40 at night and I sit in the living room thinking how does one deal with this type of information when the only people around that he knows and loves are asleep.

So I sit here ... sharing with the internet. Is that good or bad? I don't know. I was thinking this morning that most of my friends are women. My best friend is a beautiful lady with a wonderful little girl.

There are times that I want to share things with someone but may be on a topic that I wonder about ... the proper nature of man and woman that was drilled into me in an upright era growing up in England. With an era from just before my time that enforced the man does not have emotion and thus I wonder if the rage that is built up in the men my father's age is not a result of repressed emotions from years past.

Then again if emotion was displayed it was in private and being the young boy growing up there I would not have seen this, being four hours away when my grandfather died I do not know what processes my family went through. By the time we had the funeral in Norwich two or so weeks later there were minimal tears and maybe all the grieving was done, or maybe it was repressed.

Regardless, now it is just a matter of time. My grandmother had her last wish fulfilled I believe. To see her son. Her first born there to say "hello mum, I love you" and let her know that it is now in her hands.

It is always just a matter of time.

Good night friends, good night fellow bloggers, good night internet.

In case you wondered

Neurologist told me they could not find my brain. He was totally serious and that made me stop in my tracks. This man does not joke around ... or does he. Is that the twitch of a corner of the mouth there. Thank God. I knew I had a brain, unless this is the afterlife?

Somewhat clean bill of health. Concern was rendered about these little headaches that come and almost incapacitate me but are gone in a matter of 5 to 10 minutes. We are looking for a trigger and going to rule things out.

Got another years worth of stroke medicine scripts and a free month supply ... nice, cos this is the expensive stuff.

Plus in 5 minutes and with a safety pin he gave me the diagnosis of carpal tunnel, without the $900 test that the other doctors insisted that I run. Gave me one simple exercise to work on to hopefully make some of this go away. If not we will cross that bridge together. (Well actually he said I could go first in case there were any trolls that wanted a toll ... I am seeing another side of this wise old man).

So now I move onward with changing lifestyles, loss and gain, hope and a smile on my face for I have life, my wonderful families love and some of the greatest friends a simple boy from the countryside in England could have ever wanted when he grew up.



Peace and love.

Hiding behind

I started to write a long essay yesterday that is still sitting there waiting for me to revisit about where I fit in in this world. I don't know and I am still pondering all that I saw yesterday and all that I felt but today someone I love made a comment to me that I seem well. I had to sit and think about that as the reality is far from that but I have managed to pull of that perception ... I have managed to put on that mask.

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

Paul Laurence Dunbar

"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.

Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.

It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)

This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.

I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.

But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.

Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.

So I try each and every day.

I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.

I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.

With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.

I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.

I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.

Thank you.

Tough choices

Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.

You scratch your head and wonder what the heck is up with Philip. Well I will tell you. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that led to a brief discussion in a car ride home from watching Toy Story III with the girls that was short but poignant.

It all began with a text about someone being in the hospital. A trip there and to see the situation of a man who was fighting to get out to feed an addiction. A man who is now sedated in ICU to detox. A wife of this man who is trapped in the fact that she has, for so long, been the person who has lived with this addiction beside her. A woman who knows she should do that which she does not want to and is torn.

It was so hard to see. So uncomfortable to watch this situation unfold, the nurses frustration, the anger of the wife and the spiteful need that horribly rolled from the face of the man. It sunk into the core of me. Even now, a couple of days later, I am chilled inside thinking about what I saw.

I turned to Tammy in the car after the movie I had tried to enjoy, but had this separate filmstrip running constantly in the background of my mind, and told her that if I am ever like that she can absolutely walk away. I give you that right to do that today before it happens.

Her response was that what she would do would be out of love. She would have me declared incompetent so that she could do what needed to be done. That I could be placed where she would know that I would be taken care of and she would have that piece of mind that she was doing the right thing.

As with the thoughts of that man in the hospital that revisit me these words hang on and today I am still severely humbled by her love for me and that she would do what she needed to do for me while still being able to maintain her sense of sanity and live how she knows I would want her to.

Saturday night for me was a night of pondering. A night of cataloging the day and pondering the thoughts of tomorrow.

As yesterday is history, and tomorrow may never come, I have resolved from this day on, I will do all the business I can honestly, have all the fun I can reasonably, do all the good I can willingly, and save my digestion by thinking pleasantly.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Oh there are so many reasons to save my digestion from thinking pleasantly today about right now. BUT there is a need to have the talks that husband and wife, two people committed to each other, parents and adult children, and in some cases parents with children that may, if I can pervert Robert Louis Stevenson's words, give us indigestion by thinking unpleasantly.

As reasonable and responsible people we need to make sure that our loved ones know our wishes. As much as we may not want to discuss those possibilities, tomorrow may never come, or at least come in a form that we are cognizant of. I love Tammy for saying what she did. I know that both of us watched at the hospital and had our minds in disarray for the rest of the day as we personally digested what we saw, thought about it and finally that evening after the day was under control compared notes, shared opinions and understood that we cannot understand or predict what will happen with those two impacted by one man's addiction.

That man's addiction and obsession though does impact 3 others, and from that 6 children and those whom love those 3 and 6. Thus things are in motion that need to be in motion. The hospital stepped in and took care of a situation that they could and had power to take care of. Thus the wheels on that life story are progressing forward.

They could move more smoothly though if we take control today over what may or will happen tomorrow. Take control now of those things you need to and talk. Push aside the fears and be pleasantly touched by the love of those whom you love.

as I began I close this thought ...

Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.

Lifes Wonders

Meet Carter. Carter is the wonderful curly haired son of two great people. They also have another just as awesome some named Kevin. My cousin Alex and his wife, Demi, are the proud parents of both children. The dynamic in their world shifted a little bit over a year ago or slightly longer when Carter was diagnosed with Autism. Thus they have taken their own adventure in the land of Repair, Learn and Live. Although I am still learning about Autism while reading about strokes, heart conditions, Lupus (my gal Sarah has this) and other medical ailments I have decided to act.

I have signed up under Carter/Demi's team for the 2009 Walk Now for Autism Houston 5K in October. I was not able to participate last year but this year am going to find some way to be involved in the life of this wonderful boy and family. Here is the link to my page and of course the team page link is here.

Now I was privileged to be one of the people sharing in the first time Carter says "I love you" and asked if I could share. So without further rambling I give you Carter:

Living life

Wow....this has been a great weekend. Well except for the fact that my phone fell apart and I had to by a new one. But even that worked out not too bad in the long run. This evening was spent at my hang out spot....Central Market. With Sarah, Bruce, her Dad and his wife, Rebecca, Nick and their precious son William. Good fun, good wine, good music, good food and good entertainment....got to love that little boy.

Nick got to finally chill with a beer while Bruce and I....well two bottles of Chardonnay went away over the course of the evening.

Sarah was in heaven with her time with William. I can tell by that smile in the last picture. She took some of me with William and I hope that I am allowed to have a copy or two.

To end the evening we took a stroll over to Borders and timed our exit to coincide with tonight's Concert in the Gardens firework show. I have to say that was a great way to end out the day.

It is weekends like this that reinforce our love of life. A good evening involving three hours of fun and relaxation for less than $20.00 with friends and those we call family. This is what life is all about.

Enjoy it my friends!

See ya!

Me brudda

So I have to share....down another 4.2 lbs he is. There may be more of us to love but it is shrinking weekly on both of us. Yeah for him. Check him out at Transformations!

Way to go little bro!!!!

Decisions

Well I have decided that it is time for me to make a decision. I need to call my Doctor tomorrow, which means I will probably have to go in to see him but I will deal with that when it happens. I need to talk to someone about this TEE and what the surgery will entail and what type of time frames we are looking at here.

I feel good, except for the headaches, but that is a side effect of the medicine. I really do. Tired and have not been sleeping well. I cannot put my finger on why. But I get my Darth Vader mask on the 19th and then learn to start sleeping with that on. I am so hoping that it makes a difference.

But I need to get moving on my heart and that issue. There is much to know, much to find out and then things that have to be decided upon after that by me. So phone call tomorrow.

By the way I tried broccoli slaw today and that was actually really nice. Chicken breast, broccoli slaw and Green Machine for dinner. Almost back to normal. But I had sushi both Friday and Saturday as there was so much and you never turn down an invitation from a beautiful woman to go and join her for sushi. :)

My momma didn't raise no fool!

BTW - Happy Mother's Day to all. "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~ Rajneesh

Pop's wisdom

"So how did you do?"

"Well I walked the whole thing. Last year they were in laps and I was going to stop after one lap. But this year they had a real route."

"Well you did well."

"I guess so I am really sore right now and I slept for two hours this afternoon."

"But look how far you have come. When you were down here a couple of weeks ago (Easter) you could hardly walk in the backyard without losing your breath. Now look at you."

"Yeah...you are right."

Sometimes it takes the ones you love to point out the obvious that is right in front of your face.

Nuts

I know my father is wanting to know what nuts he should be eating. He has type O blood.

Beneficial:

Flax seeds, macadamia nuts, pumpkin seeds, walnuts. (yep that is it)

Don't worry though there are neutral ones (not super beneficial but not bad):

Almonds, almond butter, chestnuts, filberts, hickory, pecan, pine, sesame seeds, sunflower butter, sunflower seeds, tahini (sesame butter).

:)