Currently my dad has been in the air for a little bit less than 3 hours so another 5 to go. I really don't envy him. I am not a traveler who can sleep due to my need for control in those situations. So those overnight flights back to England always do me in. I am totally exhausted by the time we get there and I then have to get from London to Norwich. No easy feat on little or no sleep. At least my Uncle is picking him up from the airport.
Me, I have my 3 month check up today. Good news. My weight loss is now at 83 lbs for the total duration since March of 2009. I have lost and managed to keep it off. I continue to lose and that is good. Kidneys, liver and all those internal organ tests came back right where they need to be. My pre-diabetes number is shifting away from the diabetes side of the spectrum and that is a plus.
I like what my doctor told me today - he is really real sometimes - "it is good that you are moving away from the diabetes side of things but I don't want you to think that if we shift far away from that, that you will never have diabetes. Reality is, Philip, that the lifestyle you lived for so many years is going to haunt you for the rest of your life." It is a sobering thought but one that I have always understood. I like it when a doctor is both and optimist while being a realist.
Now however I have to go see a surgeon and that does send alarms up and down my spine. But I will go and see what he has to say. Second and third opinions are always a good thing. So we shall see where this all goes but guess what .. it is all good and necessary.
We live, we learn, we adjust and repair what we can and then, for kicks and giggles, we keep on living.
Good night.
Showing posts with label scared. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scared. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
30 days
30 days ago another course correction happened in my life. One that was not expected but then again are any of these drastic course corrections we have happen in our worlds ever what we really expect them. 362 days before this correction another course correction had taken place.
Yes they are connected.
So picking up the pieces of a life that fell into disarray. I fear that the course corrections are not done yet before I find a direction that will hold true for some time. There is something going on in my head that they have not figured, nor I, yet. My body is fighting something that could be as simple as allergies or as severe as ... well who wants to follow that course correction unless they absolutely have to.
But we pick up the pieces. I read somewhere that the first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss of what was and fear the course correction that you are now on. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery and ability to work within the parameters of what is happening. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.
21 days ago I found myself alone again and forced to face fears. I conquered that with a pen and paper. I wrote down what was lost, what was gained, what was learned and what needs to be understood. Then I sat back and contemplated. I was beginning to control the waves of emotion. They were still getting the upper hand from time to time but they were mine now and not running free.
I began to assess damage done to me, damage done by me and began to pick up the pieces. There will always be holes but they are not for me to fill as they are not my crosses. I will never have the knowledge to fill them nor do I want it. I began to make decisions about what I needed to do. I rebuilt some of what I had torn down in my world and began to take steps that would give me direction. Give me a place to look forward into so that I would not dwell in the moment when it became too much.
I selfishly used the tools that I already had, the friendships that were there and brought back to the forefront, the resources that I had seen building around me ... I pulled them in. I used these branches of support and allowed them to help keep my head above the flowing stream below.
14 days ago I had begun documenting a failure in part of my health structure while I moved on another level into a life commitment that is for me. In the long run it will help all aspects of my health and hopefully my life. I may be aggravating the health conditions that I currently am experiencing but I need to move forward. I cannot wait for everything to be right. I need to be able to react and move now for who knows what the future holds. Another one of those things that I do not want to know right now.
Today I am 30 days removed from an instant that is still fresh as a wound but not so painful now. Natures scars are a way of showing that there is a healing process that was designed to allow life to continue and this is the beginning edge of that healing process for me.
I am doing little things now that I was nurturing at the beginning of this course correction but now find myself accepting as a reality. I set a goal in the world of my health and until I meet that I will not shave. Thus the last day I shaved was October 11th as I attempted to pick myself up and head to work. That failed miserably but I did shave without slicing the neck open. So I am scruffy and will trim from time to time but I am not shaving this beard until that personal goal is met. Even at that point I am allowing myself the option for a course direction in that choice. I mean I had a beard from graduating from high school and the next 12 years before being asked to shave for work. So it went to a goatee.
I am going to events of cultural enrichment as I need to continue to grow myself. I am not limiting myself to things that I am comfortable with, but also including situations that challenge my comfort level. So bring on the course correction. Let me grieve and then let me grow.
Yes they are connected.
So picking up the pieces of a life that fell into disarray. I fear that the course corrections are not done yet before I find a direction that will hold true for some time. There is something going on in my head that they have not figured, nor I, yet. My body is fighting something that could be as simple as allergies or as severe as ... well who wants to follow that course correction unless they absolutely have to.
But we pick up the pieces. I read somewhere that the first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss of what was and fear the course correction that you are now on. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery and ability to work within the parameters of what is happening. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.
21 days ago I found myself alone again and forced to face fears. I conquered that with a pen and paper. I wrote down what was lost, what was gained, what was learned and what needs to be understood. Then I sat back and contemplated. I was beginning to control the waves of emotion. They were still getting the upper hand from time to time but they were mine now and not running free.
I began to assess damage done to me, damage done by me and began to pick up the pieces. There will always be holes but they are not for me to fill as they are not my crosses. I will never have the knowledge to fill them nor do I want it. I began to make decisions about what I needed to do. I rebuilt some of what I had torn down in my world and began to take steps that would give me direction. Give me a place to look forward into so that I would not dwell in the moment when it became too much.
I selfishly used the tools that I already had, the friendships that were there and brought back to the forefront, the resources that I had seen building around me ... I pulled them in. I used these branches of support and allowed them to help keep my head above the flowing stream below.
14 days ago I had begun documenting a failure in part of my health structure while I moved on another level into a life commitment that is for me. In the long run it will help all aspects of my health and hopefully my life. I may be aggravating the health conditions that I currently am experiencing but I need to move forward. I cannot wait for everything to be right. I need to be able to react and move now for who knows what the future holds. Another one of those things that I do not want to know right now.
Today I am 30 days removed from an instant that is still fresh as a wound but not so painful now. Natures scars are a way of showing that there is a healing process that was designed to allow life to continue and this is the beginning edge of that healing process for me.
I am doing little things now that I was nurturing at the beginning of this course correction but now find myself accepting as a reality. I set a goal in the world of my health and until I meet that I will not shave. Thus the last day I shaved was October 11th as I attempted to pick myself up and head to work. That failed miserably but I did shave without slicing the neck open. So I am scruffy and will trim from time to time but I am not shaving this beard until that personal goal is met. Even at that point I am allowing myself the option for a course direction in that choice. I mean I had a beard from graduating from high school and the next 12 years before being asked to shave for work. So it went to a goatee.
I am going to events of cultural enrichment as I need to continue to grow myself. I am not limiting myself to things that I am comfortable with, but also including situations that challenge my comfort level. So bring on the course correction. Let me grieve and then let me grow.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hiding behind
I started to write a long essay yesterday that is still sitting there waiting for me to revisit about where I fit in in this world. I don't know and I am still pondering all that I saw yesterday and all that I felt but today someone I love made a comment to me that I seem well. I had to sit and think about that as the reality is far from that but I have managed to pull of that perception ... I have managed to put on that mask.
"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.
Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.
It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)
This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.
I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.
But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.
Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.
So I try each and every day.
I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.
I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.
With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.
I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.
I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.
Thank you.
WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
Paul Laurence Dunbar
"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.
Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.
It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)
This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.
I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.
But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.
Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.
So I try each and every day.
I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.
I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.
With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.
I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.
I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.
Thank you.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
3 months already???
Quarterly checkup today … yep another 3 months gone on by and blood work pulled last week. Actually it was a little bit on the scary side as the blood was pulled the day after I had a scare with blood loss. I guess that I am really aware when I lose blood now as I am on an anti-coagulant and will be for life. With that when I have an opportunity to lose blood I have an opportunity to lose lots of blood. Scary.
But got to sit down with the doctor today and go over my results. Talk about what has happened in the last couple of months, what is going on but today I was impressed. When I mentioned one of my concerns he counter offered with an option to write a prescription for a muscle relaxer (just 10). I countered with the fact that even though some people may think that I take choose to take hard core drugs when things are bad I do not.
So I had countered with the fact that I know I have done things in the past that have stressed my kidneys and liver out. I really have been working on eliminating drugs and have gone from 7 daily meds to 5 and cut two of them in half, as far as strength goes, and do not want to add more. I like life. So he countered with almost an hour of going over each level of what he tested in the blood work, comparison to what he has on record for me since 2007 and well showed me why he suggest what he suggests and why he listens to me when I counter.
That kind of relationship is hard to come by in the medical profession. To be able to interact with a doctor that has a prescribed amount of patients to meet due to insurance companies. To have a doctor tell you that you are wrong and justify it. To have him say that he is wrong and this is why he thinks I am right. No ego there. Just open talk. Someone who I am not fearful of discussing concerns with of any type nor will he be fearful of telling me the honest truth from where he sits. He will not prescribe medicine without cause and I especially like that he will not prescribe antibiotics for those things that do not need them. (i.e. we discussed today how people request antibiotics for colds and colds are viruses … antibiotics work on bacteria … thus why? … because advertising scares people into wanting what they do not need)
This discussion today highlighted the 2 levels of study done on the kidneys and their ability to be active and filter what needs to be filtered. I am well within the norms. The liver. Well within the norm. Blood sugar levels. Have been borderline for 3 years but I have maintained or decreased that. Further weight loss will be the key here to make them back off from the edge of being pre-diabetic. The blood cells themselves are in great shape. Right count in the number of blood cells which countered a thought that I might have had so much blood loss due to bleeding ulcer (not good for someone on anti-coagulant). No anemia. No deficiencies in all levels tested. Cholesterol remains great at 155. But more importantly it raised only due to the fact that my HDL went from 36 to 46. Phew. That lower than 40 number is not good at all for HDL. Now it is getting closer to where I would be happy but the doc is overjoyed that in 3 months I could move it 10 points.
So now we maintain and improve. I had my flu shot. I declined the muscle relaxant. Continued with the nasal steroid as the allergy season is intense upon us here in north Texas. Acknowledged that I have been at plateau too long at this weight and need to focus on moving that needle in the get off pre-diabetes watch list.Continue to watch what I eat, work on paying attention more to my bodies indicators and most poignantly from my doctor ... enjoy life.
But got to sit down with the doctor today and go over my results. Talk about what has happened in the last couple of months, what is going on but today I was impressed. When I mentioned one of my concerns he counter offered with an option to write a prescription for a muscle relaxer (just 10). I countered with the fact that even though some people may think that I take choose to take hard core drugs when things are bad I do not.
Now let me step to the side and quantify that last statement above. Yes, if you would have asked me in the early 90’s or in 2005 if I took the strongest medicines I could get my hands on I would say yes. The 90’s my sinuses were so screwed up and the pain was intense. I popped pain pills like nobody’s business. In 2005 the ruptured disc in my back [done in 1988] finally shifted and sawed the heck out of the left leg nerve bundle. To sleep, I literally had to stand in the corner of the room and lean on my right shoulder. That was horrible. When they offered to shoot my spine up with pain drugs, even though I could have been paralyzed for life, I did not hesitate to say PLEASE!
So I had countered with the fact that I know I have done things in the past that have stressed my kidneys and liver out. I really have been working on eliminating drugs and have gone from 7 daily meds to 5 and cut two of them in half, as far as strength goes, and do not want to add more. I like life. So he countered with almost an hour of going over each level of what he tested in the blood work, comparison to what he has on record for me since 2007 and well showed me why he suggest what he suggests and why he listens to me when I counter.
That kind of relationship is hard to come by in the medical profession. To be able to interact with a doctor that has a prescribed amount of patients to meet due to insurance companies. To have a doctor tell you that you are wrong and justify it. To have him say that he is wrong and this is why he thinks I am right. No ego there. Just open talk. Someone who I am not fearful of discussing concerns with of any type nor will he be fearful of telling me the honest truth from where he sits. He will not prescribe medicine without cause and I especially like that he will not prescribe antibiotics for those things that do not need them. (i.e. we discussed today how people request antibiotics for colds and colds are viruses … antibiotics work on bacteria … thus why? … because advertising scares people into wanting what they do not need)
This discussion today highlighted the 2 levels of study done on the kidneys and their ability to be active and filter what needs to be filtered. I am well within the norms. The liver. Well within the norm. Blood sugar levels. Have been borderline for 3 years but I have maintained or decreased that. Further weight loss will be the key here to make them back off from the edge of being pre-diabetic. The blood cells themselves are in great shape. Right count in the number of blood cells which countered a thought that I might have had so much blood loss due to bleeding ulcer (not good for someone on anti-coagulant). No anemia. No deficiencies in all levels tested. Cholesterol remains great at 155. But more importantly it raised only due to the fact that my HDL went from 36 to 46. Phew. That lower than 40 number is not good at all for HDL. Now it is getting closer to where I would be happy but the doc is overjoyed that in 3 months I could move it 10 points.
So now we maintain and improve. I had my flu shot. I declined the muscle relaxant. Continued with the nasal steroid as the allergy season is intense upon us here in north Texas. Acknowledged that I have been at plateau too long at this weight and need to focus on moving that needle in the get off pre-diabetes watch list.Continue to watch what I eat, work on paying attention more to my bodies indicators and most poignantly from my doctor ... enjoy life.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Inner sanctum struggles
I have had no desire to do anything today. I had plans this morning and just could not get the energizer bunny working within me. I am guessing it goes back to the fact that so much has gone on this week. Yesterday when my boss and I spent almost two hours on this elaborate spread sheet I had started on he would not email me the changes. He knows me. I would have logged in from home and worked on that today and I am not getting paid for that. But he values me and has told me that I need to take off whatever I need for this and get better. I am too valuable to him to not be here.
So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.
But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....
I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.
I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.
One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.
So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.
But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....
I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.
I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.
One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.
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