Well it has been a few days hasn't it. It seems to have flown by for me and there are still so many things on my to do list I ... wait ... sorry there were three things that I had thought about adding to my board today that I just had to add now before I forgot ... now where was I ... oh yes, so many things on the list that we all probably have to do at this time of the year yet I have so little time. There is so much happening at work, so many cultures of the business I am trying to impact, training programs I am creating that need to start this week with a new employee and possibly another new one in the week ahead.
Personally I like the thought of giving people a job right before Christmas.
Work has been so full though. When I finished working on my payroll information for last week I realized I worked every day (not all full shifts though). Too much ... or is it?
This was me as a store manager for most of my adult life. Working 12-16 hour days and being really involved in the process every day. I thrive on this on some sick level. The season I truly despise for the commercial retail driven chaos that it has become was also the season of make or break for many business that are consumer driven. Thus the busiest and surprisingly when I happen to be at my most comfortable level. I settle in ... time slows down yet there is never enough time. Things explode and I bow out of the shock wave and roll with the curls of the ocean waves riding just ahead of the break while observing the cacophony of stress around me.
I love to snatch people up in my teams at this time of the year when they are about to explode and help them diffuse. Part of why I have planned lots of little events for my team in the coming weeks to allow the stranglehold of pressure to loosen and their creative energies flow.
I just don't buy presents anymore and that removes me from the terrible thought of having to face that some level of agoraphobia I seem to exhibit in malls and big box stores. Such a level of stress is done. The few items for the nieces and nephew have been taken care of a while ago. I did Christmas cards this year and well that is about it for the money flow and for the need to subject myself to unnecessary stress. I should probably use one of the Border's reward coupons they keep sending me to see if I can find one of my Zen calendars. First thing on a Monday morning would be good with a cup of green tea.
Have I been wandering in this post? Should I read back over it and see if it makes sense. Nah. Let it be. I have my moments of letting people see the wandering mind and then it all slams shut and gets locked up once again.
Sigh I need to find some time to research that which I have been discovering about stroke patients. I need to look into the facts about the 2 year rule of the largest strides all happen within 2 years ... gives me about 3 months before that time is up. I have read a few things that support what I believe ... you just have to work a little bit harder after those two years to gain more in the world of improvement.
I'm here. Challenged a little bit to keep on top of the blog and social media world, but I know that the real world around me, the world within me and the family and friends I have, can see and touch, talk to and laugh with are more important than the blog world, the social media buzz will be the first that I shut out.
So I raise my bottle of water (these really great stainless steel bottles were half off at World Market last week and are awesome) in a toast to the aspect of time - that you and I will have some in the days ahead for our peace of minds, chilling with the season and living a little bit of this precious gift of life.
Namaste
Showing posts with label the inner me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the inner me. Show all posts
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
30 days
30 days ago another course correction happened in my life. One that was not expected but then again are any of these drastic course corrections we have happen in our worlds ever what we really expect them. 362 days before this correction another course correction had taken place.
Yes they are connected.
So picking up the pieces of a life that fell into disarray. I fear that the course corrections are not done yet before I find a direction that will hold true for some time. There is something going on in my head that they have not figured, nor I, yet. My body is fighting something that could be as simple as allergies or as severe as ... well who wants to follow that course correction unless they absolutely have to.
But we pick up the pieces. I read somewhere that the first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss of what was and fear the course correction that you are now on. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery and ability to work within the parameters of what is happening. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.
21 days ago I found myself alone again and forced to face fears. I conquered that with a pen and paper. I wrote down what was lost, what was gained, what was learned and what needs to be understood. Then I sat back and contemplated. I was beginning to control the waves of emotion. They were still getting the upper hand from time to time but they were mine now and not running free.
I began to assess damage done to me, damage done by me and began to pick up the pieces. There will always be holes but they are not for me to fill as they are not my crosses. I will never have the knowledge to fill them nor do I want it. I began to make decisions about what I needed to do. I rebuilt some of what I had torn down in my world and began to take steps that would give me direction. Give me a place to look forward into so that I would not dwell in the moment when it became too much.
I selfishly used the tools that I already had, the friendships that were there and brought back to the forefront, the resources that I had seen building around me ... I pulled them in. I used these branches of support and allowed them to help keep my head above the flowing stream below.
14 days ago I had begun documenting a failure in part of my health structure while I moved on another level into a life commitment that is for me. In the long run it will help all aspects of my health and hopefully my life. I may be aggravating the health conditions that I currently am experiencing but I need to move forward. I cannot wait for everything to be right. I need to be able to react and move now for who knows what the future holds. Another one of those things that I do not want to know right now.
Today I am 30 days removed from an instant that is still fresh as a wound but not so painful now. Natures scars are a way of showing that there is a healing process that was designed to allow life to continue and this is the beginning edge of that healing process for me.
I am doing little things now that I was nurturing at the beginning of this course correction but now find myself accepting as a reality. I set a goal in the world of my health and until I meet that I will not shave. Thus the last day I shaved was October 11th as I attempted to pick myself up and head to work. That failed miserably but I did shave without slicing the neck open. So I am scruffy and will trim from time to time but I am not shaving this beard until that personal goal is met. Even at that point I am allowing myself the option for a course direction in that choice. I mean I had a beard from graduating from high school and the next 12 years before being asked to shave for work. So it went to a goatee.
I am going to events of cultural enrichment as I need to continue to grow myself. I am not limiting myself to things that I am comfortable with, but also including situations that challenge my comfort level. So bring on the course correction. Let me grieve and then let me grow.
Yes they are connected.
So picking up the pieces of a life that fell into disarray. I fear that the course corrections are not done yet before I find a direction that will hold true for some time. There is something going on in my head that they have not figured, nor I, yet. My body is fighting something that could be as simple as allergies or as severe as ... well who wants to follow that course correction unless they absolutely have to.
But we pick up the pieces. I read somewhere that the first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss of what was and fear the course correction that you are now on. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery and ability to work within the parameters of what is happening. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.
21 days ago I found myself alone again and forced to face fears. I conquered that with a pen and paper. I wrote down what was lost, what was gained, what was learned and what needs to be understood. Then I sat back and contemplated. I was beginning to control the waves of emotion. They were still getting the upper hand from time to time but they were mine now and not running free.
I began to assess damage done to me, damage done by me and began to pick up the pieces. There will always be holes but they are not for me to fill as they are not my crosses. I will never have the knowledge to fill them nor do I want it. I began to make decisions about what I needed to do. I rebuilt some of what I had torn down in my world and began to take steps that would give me direction. Give me a place to look forward into so that I would not dwell in the moment when it became too much.
I selfishly used the tools that I already had, the friendships that were there and brought back to the forefront, the resources that I had seen building around me ... I pulled them in. I used these branches of support and allowed them to help keep my head above the flowing stream below.
14 days ago I had begun documenting a failure in part of my health structure while I moved on another level into a life commitment that is for me. In the long run it will help all aspects of my health and hopefully my life. I may be aggravating the health conditions that I currently am experiencing but I need to move forward. I cannot wait for everything to be right. I need to be able to react and move now for who knows what the future holds. Another one of those things that I do not want to know right now.
Today I am 30 days removed from an instant that is still fresh as a wound but not so painful now. Natures scars are a way of showing that there is a healing process that was designed to allow life to continue and this is the beginning edge of that healing process for me.
I am doing little things now that I was nurturing at the beginning of this course correction but now find myself accepting as a reality. I set a goal in the world of my health and until I meet that I will not shave. Thus the last day I shaved was October 11th as I attempted to pick myself up and head to work. That failed miserably but I did shave without slicing the neck open. So I am scruffy and will trim from time to time but I am not shaving this beard until that personal goal is met. Even at that point I am allowing myself the option for a course direction in that choice. I mean I had a beard from graduating from high school and the next 12 years before being asked to shave for work. So it went to a goatee.
I am going to events of cultural enrichment as I need to continue to grow myself. I am not limiting myself to things that I am comfortable with, but also including situations that challenge my comfort level. So bring on the course correction. Let me grieve and then let me grow.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hiding behind
I started to write a long essay yesterday that is still sitting there waiting for me to revisit about where I fit in in this world. I don't know and I am still pondering all that I saw yesterday and all that I felt but today someone I love made a comment to me that I seem well. I had to sit and think about that as the reality is far from that but I have managed to pull of that perception ... I have managed to put on that mask.
"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.
Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.
It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)
This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.
I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.
But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.
Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.
So I try each and every day.
I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.
I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.
With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.
I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.
I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.
Thank you.
WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
Paul Laurence Dunbar
"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.
Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.
It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)
This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.
I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.
But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.
Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.
So I try each and every day.
I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.
I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.
With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.
I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.
I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.
Thank you.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Where to put this
... I chose here. Life continues and for many it is the daily grind. For me today it started with a challenge ... where is my phone Maximillian? (for those of you following me on facebook or who recognized the robot from The Black Hole in the previous post ... you know what I am talking about)
Found it after much deliberate searching of the bedroom. When I had fallen over last night I guess it shot out of my hand and somehow wedged between the crossbeam and the mattress face down so the keys were depressed thus rapidly draining what juice was left in it. Thus the alarm never went off this morning and it was not until I felt like ripping apart furniture did this become apparent.
I had then planned to do some work online from home. Nope .. I need a day off that is not a medical day. So I went out to see if my left arm (the broken one) can support my Canon yet. It can. Took some photos and then ended up at Sarah's house to get the scoop on little Eve and also grab a late lunch.
Here are some phone shots of Eve's future wardrobe ... too cute.
But all of this let me to thinking. See Eve was not moving and mommy was slowly getting more and more stressed which caused me concern, eventually she called her friend and confidant, got some sound advice and voila ... Eve was back in business again letting mommy know just who was in charge of this womb space!!!
Then I went to church. A family of four sat in front of me. Mom, dad, a six or seven year old and a few month old. Dad held the littlest one almost the entire time and mom was using her finger in the hymnal and readings to highlight the words being said as the young girl next to here was following in her own book but would get lost, look over to where mom's finger was and be able to follow right along with her own book again.
This was a blast from the past .... where had I run into this church and families before:
There was also the baptism of Noah at this service by Fth. Tom. Life everywhere around me. New life. Living in the moment. I looked up at the crucifix and was drawn to ask a question in my mind. The answer was instantaneous and clear as a bell. Never before have I been struck like that with a clear answer but this was my epiphany today. No I am still trying to digest what it means and cannot, in good conscience put that up there right now. Suffice to say the rest of the service was spent with me periodically looking at the altar and having tears run down my face and I questioned my sanity and then His sanity too. I cut that out pretty quickly as He still has the power to throw lightning bolts at me (I think).
It is all part of repairing ourselves I believe. We have something recalcitrant happen in our lives and we have to deal with it. We cannot avoid it less it remove us prematurely from this life. As we learn and repair or repair and learn we live a new life, a different life than before. I am renewing parts of my world that had been left in shambles or not maintained for years. I am proceeding with my annulment in the Catholic Church regarding a marriage of shambles. I have changed much about whom I was and am now becoming me. Today I was allowed to live. Today I was allowed to experience life. Today I had an epiphany. Today I learned there is much much more to learn.
Found it after much deliberate searching of the bedroom. When I had fallen over last night I guess it shot out of my hand and somehow wedged between the crossbeam and the mattress face down so the keys were depressed thus rapidly draining what juice was left in it. Thus the alarm never went off this morning and it was not until I felt like ripping apart furniture did this become apparent.
I had then planned to do some work online from home. Nope .. I need a day off that is not a medical day. So I went out to see if my left arm (the broken one) can support my Canon yet. It can. Took some photos and then ended up at Sarah's house to get the scoop on little Eve and also grab a late lunch.
Here are some phone shots of Eve's future wardrobe ... too cute.
I love the dragon behind the peace symbol. I would wear this ...
gotta loose a whole lotta weight to do that though.
(and shrink)
I love the koi and the "Golden Luck Trading Co."
But all of this let me to thinking. See Eve was not moving and mommy was slowly getting more and more stressed which caused me concern, eventually she called her friend and confidant, got some sound advice and voila ... Eve was back in business again letting mommy know just who was in charge of this womb space!!!
Then I went to church. A family of four sat in front of me. Mom, dad, a six or seven year old and a few month old. Dad held the littlest one almost the entire time and mom was using her finger in the hymnal and readings to highlight the words being said as the young girl next to here was following in her own book but would get lost, look over to where mom's finger was and be able to follow right along with her own book again.
This was a blast from the past .... where had I run into this church and families before:
But before this sermon, before church even began there was this young couple that came in with a baby who was only a few months old. She was precious but it was in watching her father and her interact that made me realize why my brother is so torn with these rules of visitation and how much he sacrificed when he could have fought to protect his children. This little girl was held mostly by the father. His hands cradled her and were so gentle yet so protective. She was the quietest of children just sitting on her father’s crossed legs watching everything. Every once in a while she would turn towards him and check on him then go back to watching the people during service. But it was the father’s actions, the smile that was one of awe every time he looked at his daughter. She would be sitting there with his one arm in ready protective mode around her and he would look at her and just tentatively and oh so lovingly touch her - as if saying are you real, are you really here, are you really my daughter and it was so evident that he would do anything for his little girl - it was unconditional love that she had stolen from his heart. It made me cry inside for my brother as I know he would step in front of a speeding train to save his daughters.
(February 10, 2008 from Pips Paradigm)
There was also the baptism of Noah at this service by Fth. Tom. Life everywhere around me. New life. Living in the moment. I looked up at the crucifix and was drawn to ask a question in my mind. The answer was instantaneous and clear as a bell. Never before have I been struck like that with a clear answer but this was my epiphany today. No I am still trying to digest what it means and cannot, in good conscience put that up there right now. Suffice to say the rest of the service was spent with me periodically looking at the altar and having tears run down my face and I questioned my sanity and then His sanity too. I cut that out pretty quickly as He still has the power to throw lightning bolts at me (I think).
It is all part of repairing ourselves I believe. We have something recalcitrant happen in our lives and we have to deal with it. We cannot avoid it less it remove us prematurely from this life. As we learn and repair or repair and learn we live a new life, a different life than before. I am renewing parts of my world that had been left in shambles or not maintained for years. I am proceeding with my annulment in the Catholic Church regarding a marriage of shambles. I have changed much about whom I was and am now becoming me. Today I was allowed to live. Today I was allowed to experience life. Today I had an epiphany. Today I learned there is much much more to learn.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday
We live in a world of realities and potentials. With those come emotions, hopes, desires and knowledge. Knowledge that sometimes has a time line to be worked with and sometimes happens so abruptly the thought processes that you can use to deal with the situations are harshly compressed and emotions can become overwhelming.
Being a person who craves control I have learned processes that can help me. I have a fear of flying which is actually a fear of not being in control of my destiny. Am I ever truly in control of my destiny .. no. It is blind faith, understanding and hope that drives us forward. How do I deal with that fear of flying? I give it over to someone else on take off. The day before I always ask if it will be ok to travel and allow myself to listen to the answer. Sound insane? No. It is just faith that if I was not supposed to be doing this there would be some indication. Then it is all acceptance. On the runway I wait patiently for take off and as soon as the wheels leave the runway I follow my beliefs ... sign of the cross, a brief kiss to the hand and I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands. Done. It is no longer mine to be concerned with. Whatever will happen will happen. (For me this works as for a while there I was traveling a good 8000 miles in the air two to three times a year.)
When one of the incidents that began this blog happened I had been in the hospital overnight for observation and had been told I was going to be released in the morning. Come the early morning hours and all of a sudden I was told they had to get into my heart, I had a heart attack, they may have to do surgery, stints..and this and that and then the whole this is the fatality level of this and my reality went from calm acceptance to spiraling out of control in mere moments. Sign this, sign that ... you are going to go at this time and I need to reach out to my parents. While I am still trying to wrap my head around the issue with my father it becomes a "well we can go no, we have an opening." I don't even get to fully finish the thoughts and have yet to come to terms with my world heading upside down. This is fear to me. They had to put me out due to the fact that every time I started to process something they were throwing something new at me. I could not grab a hold of reality.
Fear to me then is not being able to process a situation undergoing change and not realizing what the realities and potentials are. Once I can process and clearly think the fears go away ... as acceptance of the realities I can control and the realities I cannot become apparent. Do I have fears? Yes I do. I have a fear of flying and a fear of small enclosed spaces/being trapped. Both of those are related to sense that I need to control some aspect of my world and in the case of both I deal with it. I ride an elevator two to three times daily at work, I fly to get to places I need to go but they are still fears. I have a fear of poisonous animals (spiders especially) but I think that is healthy and potentially out of not understanding these animals.
This evening I am going through the phases. Monday I face the oral surgeon. I have my two lower side and one upper side of my mouth having work done on them. There will be pain and I am aware of that. I accept that. There was a form back in December that I had to sign about how this can lead to breaking of jaws ... etc etc ... the statistics that legal cases have forced upon every person that has to go through this. I have not taken my stroke medicine today and started an antibiotic. Why? To alleviate bleed out due to the anticoagulant and when you have had something happen with your heart it is always best to start an antibiotic when doing something with the mouth.
The fear phase has come and gone this evening. Once you understand what fear is and have time to rationally deal with it you can move on. The reality phase is in place right now. It is less than 10 hours until the ability to feel my face disappears. These are events that need to be done. They will lead to a later series of events but this is the only one to deal with now. Now it is the processing of thoughts that are going through my head that say "before you can longer speak clearly ask these questions." We have probably all seen Bill Cosby's skit about the dentist and that is just one side that is being numbed. It is pretty much all of my face. Not going to be pretty and speaking ... well I am not trying that.
So shortly I will go to bed. Monday morning is one of my mass days. At church I will say my prayers for my friend's grandmother, for the safe passage through this world for my mother, father, brothers and their families, my beloved - that her challenges right now have light shone upon direction and solutions, that her children be taken care of, the rest of my extended family is taken care of, that my co-workers who are all facing challenges continue to prosper, that my friends in the cyber world whom I have never met find their peace and that I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands.
This is my cycle. Tomorrow I go through another phase of change and later this year I am sure I will have to go through another. It is the reality of whom I am. A person who lived the life without much thought of caring about himself and now is changing back the hands of time for just a little more time here to experience love and a true appreciation for what this life is.
Accept the fears. Realize what they are and that which you cannot control. Give away the ones you cannot control and life gets better.
Peace my friends.
Being a person who craves control I have learned processes that can help me. I have a fear of flying which is actually a fear of not being in control of my destiny. Am I ever truly in control of my destiny .. no. It is blind faith, understanding and hope that drives us forward. How do I deal with that fear of flying? I give it over to someone else on take off. The day before I always ask if it will be ok to travel and allow myself to listen to the answer. Sound insane? No. It is just faith that if I was not supposed to be doing this there would be some indication. Then it is all acceptance. On the runway I wait patiently for take off and as soon as the wheels leave the runway I follow my beliefs ... sign of the cross, a brief kiss to the hand and I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands. Done. It is no longer mine to be concerned with. Whatever will happen will happen. (For me this works as for a while there I was traveling a good 8000 miles in the air two to three times a year.)
When one of the incidents that began this blog happened I had been in the hospital overnight for observation and had been told I was going to be released in the morning. Come the early morning hours and all of a sudden I was told they had to get into my heart, I had a heart attack, they may have to do surgery, stints..and this and that and then the whole this is the fatality level of this and my reality went from calm acceptance to spiraling out of control in mere moments. Sign this, sign that ... you are going to go at this time and I need to reach out to my parents. While I am still trying to wrap my head around the issue with my father it becomes a "well we can go no, we have an opening." I don't even get to fully finish the thoughts and have yet to come to terms with my world heading upside down. This is fear to me. They had to put me out due to the fact that every time I started to process something they were throwing something new at me. I could not grab a hold of reality.
Fear to me then is not being able to process a situation undergoing change and not realizing what the realities and potentials are. Once I can process and clearly think the fears go away ... as acceptance of the realities I can control and the realities I cannot become apparent. Do I have fears? Yes I do. I have a fear of flying and a fear of small enclosed spaces/being trapped. Both of those are related to sense that I need to control some aspect of my world and in the case of both I deal with it. I ride an elevator two to three times daily at work, I fly to get to places I need to go but they are still fears. I have a fear of poisonous animals (spiders especially) but I think that is healthy and potentially out of not understanding these animals.
This evening I am going through the phases. Monday I face the oral surgeon. I have my two lower side and one upper side of my mouth having work done on them. There will be pain and I am aware of that. I accept that. There was a form back in December that I had to sign about how this can lead to breaking of jaws ... etc etc ... the statistics that legal cases have forced upon every person that has to go through this. I have not taken my stroke medicine today and started an antibiotic. Why? To alleviate bleed out due to the anticoagulant and when you have had something happen with your heart it is always best to start an antibiotic when doing something with the mouth.
The fear phase has come and gone this evening. Once you understand what fear is and have time to rationally deal with it you can move on. The reality phase is in place right now. It is less than 10 hours until the ability to feel my face disappears. These are events that need to be done. They will lead to a later series of events but this is the only one to deal with now. Now it is the processing of thoughts that are going through my head that say "before you can longer speak clearly ask these questions." We have probably all seen Bill Cosby's skit about the dentist and that is just one side that is being numbed. It is pretty much all of my face. Not going to be pretty and speaking ... well I am not trying that.
So shortly I will go to bed. Monday morning is one of my mass days. At church I will say my prayers for my friend's grandmother, for the safe passage through this world for my mother, father, brothers and their families, my beloved - that her challenges right now have light shone upon direction and solutions, that her children be taken care of, the rest of my extended family is taken care of, that my co-workers who are all facing challenges continue to prosper, that my friends in the cyber world whom I have never met find their peace and that I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands.
This is my cycle. Tomorrow I go through another phase of change and later this year I am sure I will have to go through another. It is the reality of whom I am. A person who lived the life without much thought of caring about himself and now is changing back the hands of time for just a little more time here to experience love and a true appreciation for what this life is.
Accept the fears. Realize what they are and that which you cannot control. Give away the ones you cannot control and life gets better.
Peace my friends.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
When one tosses a pebble
... into water ripples move outward. When one makes a choice there are repercussions that ripple outward. When one goes through a life experience there are evaluative quantifiers that follow from this point forward as a ripple following this person through life. Thus life becomes a pursuit of staying with those quantifiers in the pursuit of more life to follow.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Reboot
I have noticed a pattern. It seems that my body functions well for about 1.5 months in digesting change, adapting to the day to day routine and then in about .5 months it loses the ability to remember the simplest tasks, forgets to do day to day fundamentals and starts to lose control of emotions. Thus about every two months I see the need for a reboot. I have seen three cycles of this so far this year and am beginning to understand this pattern.
I believe maybe it has something to do with the ability to process emotions. I have been documenting my dreams this cycle as I noticed them shift. I have this next weekend off for an annual occurrence of my brothers and I getting together for a weekend of doing everything and nothing at all. Finestkind....as Hawkeye would say. Then October will allow for two extended weekends with a trip to a reunion of sorts and a 5K weekend .... must post more about Carter and that next week when I am back. So I can see what the change is that occurs in November.
Now my next determination is to figure out from looking back in time (poetry, blogs, pictures taken) and see if I can determine if there is a cyclic pattern before the strokes or if this is something since then. If it is since then I may seek some assistance from a practitioner of the mind as I notice my anger level increases and I do not like that. But we will see.
Just thought about this and realized I am learning and living it, thus a mention in a blog about living and learning was probably a good place to put it. Plus I would probably not forget it if it is written down. :)
See ya
I believe maybe it has something to do with the ability to process emotions. I have been documenting my dreams this cycle as I noticed them shift. I have this next weekend off for an annual occurrence of my brothers and I getting together for a weekend of doing everything and nothing at all. Finestkind....as Hawkeye would say. Then October will allow for two extended weekends with a trip to a reunion of sorts and a 5K weekend .... must post more about Carter and that next week when I am back. So I can see what the change is that occurs in November.
Now my next determination is to figure out from looking back in time (poetry, blogs, pictures taken) and see if I can determine if there is a cyclic pattern before the strokes or if this is something since then. If it is since then I may seek some assistance from a practitioner of the mind as I notice my anger level increases and I do not like that. But we will see.
Just thought about this and realized I am learning and living it, thus a mention in a blog about living and learning was probably a good place to put it. Plus I would probably not forget it if it is written down. :)
See ya
Friday, June 5, 2009
Inner sanctum struggles
I have had no desire to do anything today. I had plans this morning and just could not get the energizer bunny working within me. I am guessing it goes back to the fact that so much has gone on this week. Yesterday when my boss and I spent almost two hours on this elaborate spread sheet I had started on he would not email me the changes. He knows me. I would have logged in from home and worked on that today and I am not getting paid for that. But he values me and has told me that I need to take off whatever I need for this and get better. I am too valuable to him to not be here.
So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.
But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....
I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.
I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.
One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.
So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.
But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....
I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.
I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.
One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Tomorrow
Is the 14th. When you get right down to it I think we all want to live. Tomorrow I have two procedures done on my heart to measure the value of what is going on inside the heart. We know the arteries are clean and clear, we know the blood flow is clean and clear now we just need to check out the inside of the heart.
Honestly this all scares the living crud outta me. I know that I am the strong one, the one who goes first and the one that makes sure that it is OK for everyone else. Well I sure wish in this case that I wasn't that one. The older brother.
But I am. I have to go through these things as a lesson to myself and to others. To my brother who has decided it is time to truly take control of his future. To my other brother who is facing those challenges of what to do in this world and how to do it with children 50% of the time. To my mother and father who are two of the greatest people I know. I have to be the one who figures this out and shows the way.
I know that they heard the fear in my voice for the first time on March the 6th and I am sure it scared the living daylights out of them. For that moment they glimpsed the inside of the me I keep away from everyone. The little boy that wants to be held and taken care of. The little me that had to grow up and be the big me. I admit that this all scares the crud out of me but I am forging forward. Hoping that I am making the right decisions day by day. Living and learning how to do it all again the right way and make a change for myself and for others.
To everyone out there whom I know. Thank you. You have my love and gratitude.
Peace
PC
Honestly this all scares the living crud outta me. I know that I am the strong one, the one who goes first and the one that makes sure that it is OK for everyone else. Well I sure wish in this case that I wasn't that one. The older brother.
But I am. I have to go through these things as a lesson to myself and to others. To my brother who has decided it is time to truly take control of his future. To my other brother who is facing those challenges of what to do in this world and how to do it with children 50% of the time. To my mother and father who are two of the greatest people I know. I have to be the one who figures this out and shows the way.
I know that they heard the fear in my voice for the first time on March the 6th and I am sure it scared the living daylights out of them. For that moment they glimpsed the inside of the me I keep away from everyone. The little boy that wants to be held and taken care of. The little me that had to grow up and be the big me. I admit that this all scares the crud out of me but I am forging forward. Hoping that I am making the right decisions day by day. Living and learning how to do it all again the right way and make a change for myself and for others.
To everyone out there whom I know. Thank you. You have my love and gratitude.
Peace
PC
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