In case you wondered

Neurologist told me they could not find my brain. He was totally serious and that made me stop in my tracks. This man does not joke around ... or does he. Is that the twitch of a corner of the mouth there. Thank God. I knew I had a brain, unless this is the afterlife?

Somewhat clean bill of health. Concern was rendered about these little headaches that come and almost incapacitate me but are gone in a matter of 5 to 10 minutes. We are looking for a trigger and going to rule things out.

Got another years worth of stroke medicine scripts and a free month supply ... nice, cos this is the expensive stuff.

Plus in 5 minutes and with a safety pin he gave me the diagnosis of carpal tunnel, without the $900 test that the other doctors insisted that I run. Gave me one simple exercise to work on to hopefully make some of this go away. If not we will cross that bridge together. (Well actually he said I could go first in case there were any trolls that wanted a toll ... I am seeing another side of this wise old man).

So now I move onward with changing lifestyles, loss and gain, hope and a smile on my face for I have life, my wonderful families love and some of the greatest friends a simple boy from the countryside in England could have ever wanted when he grew up.



Peace and love.

Hiding behind

I started to write a long essay yesterday that is still sitting there waiting for me to revisit about where I fit in in this world. I don't know and I am still pondering all that I saw yesterday and all that I felt but today someone I love made a comment to me that I seem well. I had to sit and think about that as the reality is far from that but I have managed to pull of that perception ... I have managed to put on that mask.

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

Paul Laurence Dunbar

"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.

Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.

It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)

This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.

I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.

But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.

Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.

So I try each and every day.

I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.

I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.

With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.

I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.

I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.

Thank you.

Walk for Lupus Now

So it has been a couple of days. There has been was delay as my world has been busy and I have been exceptionally tired the last 48 hours actually sleeping but it is time to say what needs to be said.

The walk was a success. Maybe we did not meet the goal that was established for us this year for our individual team but for the walk in total ... wow. Our success was $2,050. The Walk for Lupus Now success $104,506 and still counting.

Let me share from the website for the walk ...

"We soared past our goal of $100,000, with more than 1,400 walkers enjoying the sunshine and great new location and route. We will be counting Walk Day money and updating this site with the total and posting all walk photos next week. Don't stop the momentum...fund raising continues until May 31st, when the FINAL official total announcement will be made! Thank you all for making it such a special day."

As you can see there is still time for more funds to come in. The route was great. The location was great. The weather was gorgeous.

Kelly and Kerri flew in for Sarah from the east coast and my mum and brother got up at 3:30 to make the 4.5 hour drive up to then walk 3.2 miles. There was so much love in our little group that it did not matter that we did not have team shirts, that we did not make our team goal of $3,000, that many who wanted to be there could not be there due to obligations outside of their control ... it is OK as they were there in spirit.

Honestly we were there for one person, well actually 2 as there is a little one inside waiting for a date in June to join this little band of people and who will need her mother for years to come. We were there for hope. For hope that research can provide some more answers, that research can provide more options, that research can provide potential medicines, that ultimately this research can heal this problem in the future. We were there for the purpose of striking a conversation with someone who does not know what Lupus is and may not be aware of how it can hamper a life forever. 

Thus we where successful no matter what the numbers may say. We came together to show love, we came together to show support, we came together because this is important to one in our world and thus becomes important to all of us.

She knows it. She understands that and she appreciates it.

So I close with a simple thank you for everyone who was able to support my friend in the success of this walk. Next year will be the fourth annual Walk for Lupus Now and I do not know where I will be, where many of us may be, but I know that I will endeavor to be there for my friend and those who support her.

Love, respect and hope to all of you.

Living life

Wow....this has been a great weekend. Well except for the fact that my phone fell apart and I had to by a new one. But even that worked out not too bad in the long run. This evening was spent at my hang out spot....Central Market. With Sarah, Bruce, her Dad and his wife, Rebecca, Nick and their precious son William. Good fun, good wine, good music, good food and good entertainment....got to love that little boy.

Nick got to finally chill with a beer while Bruce and I....well two bottles of Chardonnay went away over the course of the evening.

Sarah was in heaven with her time with William. I can tell by that smile in the last picture. She took some of me with William and I hope that I am allowed to have a copy or two.

To end the evening we took a stroll over to Borders and timed our exit to coincide with tonight's Concert in the Gardens firework show. I have to say that was a great way to end out the day.

It is weekends like this that reinforce our love of life. A good evening involving three hours of fun and relaxation for less than $20.00 with friends and those we call family. This is what life is all about.

Enjoy it my friends!

See ya!

Exercise

Lupus Walk 2009 images

I think doing a 5 K is good exercise!