Monday

We live in a world of realities and potentials. With those come emotions, hopes, desires and knowledge. Knowledge that sometimes has a time line to be worked with and sometimes happens so abruptly the thought processes that you can use to deal with the situations are harshly compressed and emotions can become overwhelming.

Being a person who craves control I have learned processes that can help me. I have a fear of flying which is actually a fear of not being in control of my destiny. Am I ever truly in control of my destiny .. no. It is blind faith, understanding and hope that drives us forward. How do I deal with that fear of flying? I give it over to someone else on take off. The day before I always ask if it will be ok to travel and allow myself to listen to the answer. Sound insane? No. It is just faith that if I was not supposed to be doing this there would be some indication. Then it is all acceptance. On the runway I wait patiently for take off and as soon as the wheels leave the runway I follow my beliefs ... sign of the cross, a brief kiss to the hand and I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands. Done. It is no longer mine to be concerned with. Whatever will happen will happen. (For me this works as for a while there I was traveling a good 8000 miles in the air two to three times a year.)

When one of the incidents that began this blog happened I had been in the hospital overnight for observation and had been told I was going to be released in the morning. Come the early morning hours and all of a sudden I was told they had to get into my heart, I had a heart attack, they may have to do surgery, stints..and this and that and then the whole this is the fatality level of this and my reality went from calm acceptance to spiraling out of control in mere moments. Sign this, sign that ... you are going to go at this time and I need to reach out to my parents. While I am still trying to wrap my head around the issue with my father it becomes a "well we can go no, we have an opening." I don't even get to fully finish the thoughts and have yet to come to terms with my world heading upside down. This is fear to me. They had to put me out due to the fact that every time I started to process something they were throwing something new at me. I could not grab a hold of reality.

Fear to me then is not being able to process a situation undergoing change and not realizing what the realities and potentials are. Once I can process and clearly think the fears go away ... as acceptance of the realities I can control and the realities I cannot become apparent. Do I have fears? Yes I do. I have a fear of flying and a fear of small enclosed spaces/being trapped. Both of those are related to sense that I need to control some aspect of my world and in the case of both I deal with it. I ride an elevator two to three times daily at work, I fly to get to places I need to go but they are still fears. I have a fear of poisonous animals (spiders especially) but I think that is healthy and potentially out of not understanding these animals.

This evening I am going through the phases. Monday I face the oral surgeon. I have my two lower side and one upper side of my mouth having work done on them. There will be pain and I am aware of that. I accept that. There was a form back in December that I had to sign about how this can lead to breaking of jaws ... etc etc ... the statistics that legal cases have forced upon every person that has to go through this. I have not taken my stroke medicine today and started an antibiotic. Why? To alleviate bleed out due to the anticoagulant and when you have had something happen with your heart it is always best to start an antibiotic when doing something with the mouth.

The fear phase has come and gone this evening. Once you understand what fear is and have time to rationally deal with it you can move on. The reality phase is in place right now. It is less than 10 hours until the ability to feel my face disappears. These are events that need to be done. They will lead to a later series of events but this is the only one to deal with now. Now it is the processing of thoughts that are going through my head that say "before you can longer speak clearly ask these questions." We have probably all seen Bill Cosby's skit about the dentist and that is just one side that is being numbed. It is pretty much all of my face. Not going to be pretty and speaking ... well I am not trying that.

So shortly I will go to bed. Monday morning is one of my mass days. At church I will say my prayers for my friend's grandmother, for the safe passage through this world for my mother, father, brothers and their families, my beloved - that her challenges right now have light shone upon direction and solutions, that her children be taken care of, the rest of my extended family is taken care of, that my co-workers who are all facing challenges continue to prosper, that my friends in the cyber world whom I have never met find their peace and that I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands.

This is my cycle. Tomorrow I go through another phase of change and later this year I am sure I will have to go through another. It is the reality of whom I am. A person who lived the life without much thought of caring about himself and now is changing back the hands of time for just a little more time here to experience love and a true appreciation for what this life is. 

Accept the fears. Realize what they are and that which you cannot control. Give away the ones you cannot control and life gets better.

Peace my friends.