Aphasia

You know I have the holiday all to myself and I was getting ready to go to work (from home - love that option when the office is closed) but had a few moments to read my most recent Stroke Smarts edition that came yesterday. I had to both smile and cry at something I read on the page 12 article. The article is called Aphasia Recovery.

What you may not know is that I lost the ability to do calculations and mathematical functions after my strokes. I had to turn my bank account over to my brother, who himself has a lot on his plate, but I love him for taking on one more challenge in his world. I can do percentages in my head and large number approximations but forecasting with something that is critical just is like ... walking through a pit of mud up to my neck while a blade pendulum swings overhead. It just is hard and causes so much stress inside my head.

I have always thought that maybe I was going insane in that area and have struggled to deal with this and not look like I am just mooching off of my brother's accounting skills. But it seems so real. That is why this article was so profound.

Aphasia is an impairment of language. Stroke survivors with aphasia might be unable to use and comprehend words, but aphasia does not affect intelligence. It is a common problem for many stroke survivors and might make it hard to:

• Talk
• Understand what other people say
• Read
• Write
• Use numbers and do calculations

No two people experience aphasia the same way ... 

Wait ... yep I saw that too. I read more and now have some where to go. I am not insane ... that last bullet point is my form of aphasia. It is such a relief to know that something you struggle with daily since March of 2009 is not all in your head ... then again it is in your head because of what was damaged in it.

But now I have direction. I have somewhere to go. There are resources and a National Aphasia Association. I can learn ... then work on repairing what I can and keep on living.

It is a day of gratitude and maybe this is my gift for the day. I am thankful of that. Truly I am.

30 days

30 days ago another course correction happened in my life. One that was not expected but then again are any of these drastic course corrections we have happen in our worlds ever what we really expect them. 362 days before this correction another course correction had taken place.

Yes they are connected.

So picking up the pieces of a life that fell into disarray. I fear that the course corrections are not done yet before I find a direction that will hold true for some time. There is something going on in my head that they have not figured, nor I, yet. My body is fighting something that could be as simple as allergies or as severe as ... well who wants to follow that course correction unless they absolutely have to.

But we pick up the pieces.  I read somewhere that the first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss of what was and fear the course correction that you are now on. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery and ability to work within the parameters of what is happening. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.

21 days ago I found myself alone again and forced to face fears. I conquered that with a pen and paper. I wrote down what was lost, what was gained, what was learned and what needs to be understood. Then I sat back and contemplated. I was beginning to control the waves of emotion. They were still getting the upper hand from time to time but they were mine now and not running free.

I began to assess damage done to me, damage done by me and began to pick up the pieces. There will always be holes but they are not for me to fill as they are not my crosses. I will never have the knowledge to fill them nor do I want it. I began to make decisions about what I needed to do. I rebuilt some of what I had torn down in my world and began to take steps that would give me direction. Give me a place to look forward into so that I would not dwell in the moment when it became too much.

I selfishly used the tools that I already had, the friendships that were there and brought back to the forefront, the resources that I had seen building around me ... I pulled them in. I used these branches of support and allowed them to help keep my head above the flowing stream below.

14 days ago I had begun documenting a failure in part of my health structure while I moved on another level into a life commitment that is for me. In the long run it will help all aspects of my health and hopefully my life. I may be aggravating the health conditions that I currently am experiencing but I need to move forward. I cannot wait for everything to be right. I need to be able to react and move now for who knows what the future holds. Another one of those things that I do not want to know right now.

Today I am 30 days removed from an instant that is still fresh as a wound but not so painful now. Natures scars are a way of showing that there is a healing process that was designed to allow life to continue and this is the beginning edge of that healing process for me.

I am doing little things now that I was nurturing at the beginning of this course correction but now find myself accepting as a reality. I set a goal in the world of my health and until I meet that I will not shave. Thus the last day I shaved was October 11th as I attempted to pick myself up and head to work. That failed miserably but I did shave without slicing the neck open. So I am scruffy and will trim from time to time but I am not shaving this beard until that personal goal is met. Even at that point I am allowing myself the option for a course direction in that choice. I mean I had a beard from graduating from high school and the next 12 years before being asked to shave for work. So it went to a goatee.

I am going to events of cultural enrichment as I need to continue to grow myself. I am not limiting myself to things that I am comfortable with, but also including situations that challenge my comfort level. So bring on the course correction. Let me grieve and then let me grow.

No more

...yet National Awareness Month continues. The National Stroke Association website has so much more on it yet it is overwhelming at times. It becomes too much to deal with. Thus I have conveyed the most poignant points that I could find knowing that you may or may not read them, knowing that you may or may not pay attention to them, knowing that you may or may not care that these could be you.

But I have to try.

I have to try and convince one person to change one habit, to learn one new fact, to understand me a little bit, to strive to improve themselves and in the progress of doing this mitigate some of their risk. I watch people do things every day that make my heart cry and die a little bit when they are those I care about. I know that what they are doing is not healthy but whom am I to speak.

I am someone who took too long to realize, too long to make a change, procrastinated too many times. That is what I think it boils down to for many. I think you know and are aware but you wait, thinking you can push it off until tomorrow and that eventually you will make a change. I was that person, still am that person in some aspects but I am changing. I chose to change for I know first hand that there may not be a tomorrow and need to do what I can to improve my world, improve me, correct some of the wrongs that I can correct and prepare for that which will come.

I cannot ask you to change for that change has to come from you. I can only show you what I have learned. Give you words that show what I have found and know that I believe them. I will post no more about strokes this month, the controllable risks or any of that. I cannot as it makes me sad. It takes me to a place where I was. I am not there now, but to be reminded day in and day out with this is sometimes too much. I am faced with enough daily reminders and challenges as it is.

So thank you for reading, those who read, and know that I appreciate any time that you put into this.

Peace ... Namaste

Crutch

There are days were we go through the status quo and there are days were there is epiphany after epiphany. Today was a day of examination and resulted in realization ... an epiphany.

Tomorrow starts a contest that I am totally excited about. I know I mentioned it as it is a two person challenge with success measured on many levels with the foremost being weight loss. I needed this. I posted those pictures. I don't see myself like that and I was mortified. So this is great ... timing is right, photo's timing was right and then I got scared. What if I fail?

Well that is why there is really no failure built into this contest, Philip. Oh that is right. If someone gets to their goal before the end of the 75 days then guess what they win. If they do not then it is the one closest and the grand prize is based upon self evaluation of ourselves and each other. Cool.

So before the day ended I went to McDonalds. I ordered a bacon and cheese angus burger as it will be my last little bite of fast food for quite some time (maybe longer if I am able to do what I expect to do). As I was driving to work with this horrible meal besides me I flashed back in time. I think my subconscious had been tackling why did I get fat for some time. I have always known that I have this crutch to blame it on, but I know that I should not.

You see in 1988 I was a brilliantly stupid college kid, underage drinking, smoking and over extending everything from bank accounts, credit lines and not sleeping. I was doing some crazy decathlon sports event on campus and had gone from rugby, to basketball and was now on the racquetball court when it happened. I blew out my L5 disc. Pain was incredible. Next day paralysis of the left leg. Diagnostic clinic. Confined bed rest, flat on back, supposedly on a wooden board. Those were the days.

Then after time I was supposed to go therapy. I went once maybe twice and I said no way ... I can do this myself. Cocky little bastard I was back then thought I knew it all. But that was the beginning of my lethargy. My excuse was pain and pain I have lived with for 22 years. But it is how you live with it. I have used it as a crutch for 20 of those 22 years. I have lost weight remarkably well once and then last year with the strokes started on an amazing recovery path.

But I fell and broke my elbow at the beginning of the year and that became a crutch. I managed to maintain the weight loss due to purely not wanting to eat as much as I used to but also by using lent as a reason to change eating habits. But the elbow was a crutch. Thus I badly needed to refocus and gain back the momentum I had before. I needed to stop seeing food as comfort and more as a source of life. A source that cannot be abused by me as it can give life and take life if used poorly.

So I was flashing back to realize from where I had come, how I had allowed myself to become the whale of a man and refocus on the continued repairing, learning and living of the new me. So in about 12 hours I will weigh myself on a rather inaccurate scale in my house but that is OK. It is a basis of my measurement as I will use the same scale over and over again for the next 10.5 weeks and once a week share the weight with my Tammy. But in about 12 hours the focus and intensity starts again, the crutches are discarded and I move forward again.

For me. For Tammy and our life together. For my family. For my friends. For you.

If you have a crutch in your world find it, look at it, examine it and learn from it. Then when you are ready and only when you are ready let that crutch fall to the wayside, chop it up as kindling and burn it, allow mother nature reclaim it and move forward in your sense of whom you are now and not whom you have been.

My goal is 25 lbs in 75 days (personally I am shooting for 30). Let me see what I can accomplish.

Namaste

Tomorrow

Is the 14th. When you get right down to it I think we all want to live. Tomorrow I have two procedures done on my heart to measure the value of what is going on inside the heart. We know the arteries are clean and clear, we know the blood flow is clean and clear now we just need to check out the inside of the heart.

Honestly this all scares the living crud outta me. I know that I am the strong one, the one who goes first and the one that makes sure that it is OK for everyone else. Well I sure wish in this case that I wasn't that one. The older brother.

But I am. I have to go through these things as a lesson to myself and to others. To my brother who has decided it is time to truly take control of his future. To my other brother who is facing those challenges of what to do in this world and how to do it with children 50% of the time. To my mother and father who are two of the greatest people I know. I have to be the one who figures this out and shows the way.

I know that they heard the fear in my voice for the first time on March the 6th and I am sure it scared the living daylights out of them. For that moment they glimpsed the inside of the me I keep away from everyone. The little boy that wants to be held and taken care of. The little me that had to grow up and be the big me. I admit that this all scares the crud out of me but I am forging forward. Hoping that I am making the right decisions day by day. Living and learning how to do it all again the right way and make a change for myself and for others.

To everyone out there whom I know. Thank you. You have my love and gratitude.

Peace
PC