Walking story

It is always "well if you have ever walked in my shoes" or "be in my shoes" but who really wants to walk or be in someone else shoes. I know I am particular about shoes but I guess when I had a grandfather who worked in a shoe factory in Norwich for 50 years and I managed two Stride Rite shoes stores for a handful of years you get to know them really well.

These were a gift from my father in 2008 before blazing through the mountains in Oklahoma. I truly do love these hiking shoes are they have another year in them. Hmm the outer tread is getting low but they have been great to me.

Knowing shoes I know that for exercise I needed good support. These are also aging and desperately need an upgrade but for now I will keep moving along with them. I also have an older version of these that are good for yard work and that is about it nowadays. But I live in an apartment and have no yard so they are good junk shoes for when I just need something that I don't mind trashing around in.

These are brand new. Just got them today. Let me tell you a story. When I was going through all my bills and working with my wife/brother/accountant (well he is my brother, can be like a wife cos he is my unpaid accountant - although in conversations at the beginning of the month he did mention the interest rate he is charging me is compounding in a unique way - well I am digressing) I discovered a gift card for Sears of all places. Why? I thought about it for a while.

As most of you know last year I had a girlfriend, who had a house, in another town, with three little girls. The house needed help and at one point the general course of my life would have had me down there at this point of this year. Alas she left (probably smart as I would have not moved with the promotion I received and would have ended the relationship then) but I had asked for gift cards to places for things for the house (windows, doors, appliances, etc) and I think this must have been one.

So I checked if anyone needed it. Nope. Saw a Sears flyer in the paper at work last week that showed all their shoes on sale so I went and got some sandals. I had been wanting another pair. The Birkenstocks I had in Hawaii finally died when I moved to Corpus Christi and so it has been about 8 years without any. I like these as I have narrow heels so the cinch strap around the back can help in that area.

I know this subject is completely off the wall but maybe not so much. We live and learn and live some more. I have been thinking about love recently. I loved someone last year as a lover - I needed that. I needed someone to defrost my heart and make me realize some things. Realize that there was/is more in me that is broken that needs to be repaired.

So as I walked through the past two years of my life I realize that what I found in love last year I have in love right now but of a kind that is not a lover but a friend. One of those intimate moments of realization that for a person who is not yourself you would do anything for. Love exists on so many levels ... if you believe in a higher power or purpose you know of that unconditional love.

If you are married you know of that love that spirals around the two of you and can be found on personal, companionship and intimate levels. If you are intimate with someone you know of that passion that may be rooted more in lust but is a level of love.

There is family love .. a bond that makes a mother and brother spend time in the hospital while another goes through surgery and the mother stops and listens at your door during the night to hear you breathing before returning to bed. That bond is strong ... can be stubborn, can bend and break sometimes but often heals as it is the love that connects a common thread of genes.

The walk of exploration in my mind this week and last has been a realization roller coaster and I discovered the love of close friendship that for me is something precious. It is a great realization as I have feared loneliness for many years but accepted it as a necessary partner and maybe I am learning that it is not necessary.

So even though the temperature may drop back into the 30s tonight (thank you) from the mid 80s (I got a freaking sunburn today) I will slip on my sandals and keep walking, exploring, learning, repairing, learning, living and loving some more.

Good night.

Tough choices

Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.

You scratch your head and wonder what the heck is up with Philip. Well I will tell you. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that led to a brief discussion in a car ride home from watching Toy Story III with the girls that was short but poignant.

It all began with a text about someone being in the hospital. A trip there and to see the situation of a man who was fighting to get out to feed an addiction. A man who is now sedated in ICU to detox. A wife of this man who is trapped in the fact that she has, for so long, been the person who has lived with this addiction beside her. A woman who knows she should do that which she does not want to and is torn.

It was so hard to see. So uncomfortable to watch this situation unfold, the nurses frustration, the anger of the wife and the spiteful need that horribly rolled from the face of the man. It sunk into the core of me. Even now, a couple of days later, I am chilled inside thinking about what I saw.

I turned to Tammy in the car after the movie I had tried to enjoy, but had this separate filmstrip running constantly in the background of my mind, and told her that if I am ever like that she can absolutely walk away. I give you that right to do that today before it happens.

Her response was that what she would do would be out of love. She would have me declared incompetent so that she could do what needed to be done. That I could be placed where she would know that I would be taken care of and she would have that piece of mind that she was doing the right thing.

As with the thoughts of that man in the hospital that revisit me these words hang on and today I am still severely humbled by her love for me and that she would do what she needed to do for me while still being able to maintain her sense of sanity and live how she knows I would want her to.

Saturday night for me was a night of pondering. A night of cataloging the day and pondering the thoughts of tomorrow.

As yesterday is history, and tomorrow may never come, I have resolved from this day on, I will do all the business I can honestly, have all the fun I can reasonably, do all the good I can willingly, and save my digestion by thinking pleasantly.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Oh there are so many reasons to save my digestion from thinking pleasantly today about right now. BUT there is a need to have the talks that husband and wife, two people committed to each other, parents and adult children, and in some cases parents with children that may, if I can pervert Robert Louis Stevenson's words, give us indigestion by thinking unpleasantly.

As reasonable and responsible people we need to make sure that our loved ones know our wishes. As much as we may not want to discuss those possibilities, tomorrow may never come, or at least come in a form that we are cognizant of. I love Tammy for saying what she did. I know that both of us watched at the hospital and had our minds in disarray for the rest of the day as we personally digested what we saw, thought about it and finally that evening after the day was under control compared notes, shared opinions and understood that we cannot understand or predict what will happen with those two impacted by one man's addiction.

That man's addiction and obsession though does impact 3 others, and from that 6 children and those whom love those 3 and 6. Thus things are in motion that need to be in motion. The hospital stepped in and took care of a situation that they could and had power to take care of. Thus the wheels on that life story are progressing forward.

They could move more smoothly though if we take control today over what may or will happen tomorrow. Take control now of those things you need to and talk. Push aside the fears and be pleasantly touched by the love of those whom you love.

as I began I close this thought ...

Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.

This is what transpired

~~ yes ... to the family members who got the email you will recognize but one handed typing takes time so I cannibalized ~~

hello all,

if you have not garnered already my introduction into new year was extremely pleasant and then rapidly cut short. please tolerate no caps and any small issues with grammar as I am the one handed typist. but I wanted to fill you all in n what transpired, where I was and the impact to facets of my life.

for new years I had come down to see Tammy as I had the chance to see some of the people who are an integral part of her life at an alcohol free event. this led to an extremely late new years morning and a lazy day ... where I developed a migraine. took some medicine and pretty much slept on and off for the rest of the day.

one factor that could attribute ... my cpap was not hooked up in the bedroom thus I did not sleep with it.

I found out Saturday morning that the handle to the working toilet had broken and ventured to Katy hardware to get one and a monkey wrench. this is the fateful area. I left the store, was over the doormat and about to the edge of that one level step when my feet just disappeared and I knew there was no way to recover. plus there is that slight factor of the incline at those front parking spots.

now I knew it hurt and everyone came out but I was just laughing at the stupidity of myself and told all that I was ok. I did the quick assessment and nothing registered as broken so I finished up by getting gas and heading back. I got Tammy to make an ice pack that I had intended to use on my thigh but put on the arm instead. then I popped three Tylenol and fixed the toilet ... tried to figure out the pressure issue with the shower. once done I relaxed and noticed that pain in arm was escalating to a point that was going over the threshold of my bad back pain and asked Tammy to take me to Katy Herman (sp) to get an x-ray. good thing as it is broken.

popped pills, slept overnight and then headed back here to work on Sunday. sorry but I am a one handed driver and cannot answer my phone or respond to text when driving.

so saw Dr. Garcia after much teeth gnashing and cursing at dentists that wanted to charge me for not giving 24 hours notice (on a weekend when they have no option to do that). he was immediately concerned that with my continued weight loss (9 lbs since the end of October and I was wearing this cast and boots) my blood pressure was too low. in the dentists chair it had been 102/60(something) and we all know that bp goes up in dentist chairs. he is pretty sure that this drop in bp was the cause ... so we are adjusting meds and the good news is that the two of the 40.00 a month meds are leaving.

his other concern is my thigh. I pretty much have deep tissue hematoma going on there and with me on Aggrenox I have to keep icing that down to shrink the blood vessels and stop the bleeding. as he predicted the color started showing up today but the thigh muscle has been trashed so I have to take it easy or it will just give out on me.

what a joyous mess right?

so now I go to see Dr Daniels on Friday at 10:15 to see what the heck I need to do with this arm. 

meanwhile I find myself stymied at some of the things that have suddenly become so hard. how to pull on underwear and pants with only one hand. how to shower the right side of my body with my right hand. for that fact putting on deodorant under the right arm. how to close my front door and lock it ... it has always been a two hand job as you have to pull the door as you turn the key. hanging up sweaters on a rack to dry. even opening mail is a chore. I accurately guessed that everything would take twice as long for me to do and that is even underestimating some of the time frames.

but it is the situation that I am faced with now. this is what happens when you brag about not having a broken bone ... someone decides you need to be humbled.  it has impacted all of my plans for the month but we must adapt, be humbled, realize our limitations and move on.

it is 2010. I have a wonderful woman whom I love. I have an incredible family whom I love. I have wonderful cyber-friends.  I am humbled while being blessed.