A scheduled outage at 2:00 AM. I am glad that there is a reminder on the dashboard page and on this page where I create the post. Because without reminders I am nothing now. My absent minded state is either getting worse or just being noticed more by me as I fumble through life.
I forgot to pay rent this month. I was reminded many times but still forgot to pay it until it was necessary as it had to be in the drop box before midnight. There I went walking down to the office with half of the other residents at 11:30 at night to drop a check in the night deposit box.
I forget where I put things all the time, always have. I walk out of one room and 15 minutes later remember why. This can be quite annoying or quite entertaining depending on how you look at it. But in light of all that has happened I am glad that I remembered to call today. I am glad that I remembered to call and set up a consultation for tomorrow morning as I am so totally unsure of where to go next.
Money is hanging like a dramatic bomb over my head poised to drop and extinguish my world as I know it. Fear lurks around the corner every once in a while peaking out its faithful head and giving me a wink that says you better worry boy. Uncertainty cracks the stepping stones of life ahead of me so I am unsure at times which path to take. Frustration sometimes spins the cats in the cradle around my fingers causing them to fumble. In this menagerie of happenstance my brain forgets to go to bed, to drink water while at work, to bring a meal, to plan ahead and to remember some of the important things.
Sometimes I don't know where to go and how to get there, sometimes the fog on the road ahead parts and a path is illuminated. Sometimes I just need help, sometimes I wish I did not need help. Sometimes is .... a word, a choice, a reason, an excuse, a time, a non time and at times I don't like sometimes.
Tomorrow morning we shall see. Tonight is now.
Good night.
Your agony is heartbreaking. Just know that we, your family and friends, love you Philip. Dearly.
ReplyDeleteAnd above all, God desperately loves you - and is with you through ALL of this.
Bottom line: you're not alone. Ever. You can count on that. Even when you're in a room by yourself.
When I read this I started to cry. I hate to think that my brother is going through this and I wish I could make it all better (something else to worry about now). Maybe I should look for a job in Ft. Worth to be closer to you? I know that God will take care of you and that He has already done so much with this situation, but it does not make it any easier.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry little bro. I am OK. I just have decided to be very open in this blog and say it like it is. A lot of this is how I am and probably always have been I just scrutinize everything nowadays. I have always let everyone see the exterior me, this blog reveals part of the inner turmoil that lurks behind the closed doors.
ReplyDeleteI think I realized I had to do this when I finally had to give up control of my finances. I had to show someone that which I had kept away from the sunlight so no one would worry about me. It was a mess. James can certainly attest to that. But it will get better. Just as I will get better.
Thank you for your love and concern and know in your heart that is all I need. All I need to know if you will drop everything and get up here for me and you have demonstrated that. I know that all of my family would and for that I love you. I really am OK...most of the time ;)