Tomorrow

Is the 14th. When you get right down to it I think we all want to live. Tomorrow I have two procedures done on my heart to measure the value of what is going on inside the heart. We know the arteries are clean and clear, we know the blood flow is clean and clear now we just need to check out the inside of the heart.

Honestly this all scares the living crud outta me. I know that I am the strong one, the one who goes first and the one that makes sure that it is OK for everyone else. Well I sure wish in this case that I wasn't that one. The older brother.

But I am. I have to go through these things as a lesson to myself and to others. To my brother who has decided it is time to truly take control of his future. To my other brother who is facing those challenges of what to do in this world and how to do it with children 50% of the time. To my mother and father who are two of the greatest people I know. I have to be the one who figures this out and shows the way.

I know that they heard the fear in my voice for the first time on March the 6th and I am sure it scared the living daylights out of them. For that moment they glimpsed the inside of the me I keep away from everyone. The little boy that wants to be held and taken care of. The little me that had to grow up and be the big me. I admit that this all scares the crud out of me but I am forging forward. Hoping that I am making the right decisions day by day. Living and learning how to do it all again the right way and make a change for myself and for others.

To everyone out there whom I know. Thank you. You have my love and gratitude.

Peace
PC