Tough choices

Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.

You scratch your head and wonder what the heck is up with Philip. Well I will tell you. It was one of those weekends. One of those weekends that led to a brief discussion in a car ride home from watching Toy Story III with the girls that was short but poignant.

It all began with a text about someone being in the hospital. A trip there and to see the situation of a man who was fighting to get out to feed an addiction. A man who is now sedated in ICU to detox. A wife of this man who is trapped in the fact that she has, for so long, been the person who has lived with this addiction beside her. A woman who knows she should do that which she does not want to and is torn.

It was so hard to see. So uncomfortable to watch this situation unfold, the nurses frustration, the anger of the wife and the spiteful need that horribly rolled from the face of the man. It sunk into the core of me. Even now, a couple of days later, I am chilled inside thinking about what I saw.

I turned to Tammy in the car after the movie I had tried to enjoy, but had this separate filmstrip running constantly in the background of my mind, and told her that if I am ever like that she can absolutely walk away. I give you that right to do that today before it happens.

Her response was that what she would do would be out of love. She would have me declared incompetent so that she could do what needed to be done. That I could be placed where she would know that I would be taken care of and she would have that piece of mind that she was doing the right thing.

As with the thoughts of that man in the hospital that revisit me these words hang on and today I am still severely humbled by her love for me and that she would do what she needed to do for me while still being able to maintain her sense of sanity and live how she knows I would want her to.

Saturday night for me was a night of pondering. A night of cataloging the day and pondering the thoughts of tomorrow.

As yesterday is history, and tomorrow may never come, I have resolved from this day on, I will do all the business I can honestly, have all the fun I can reasonably, do all the good I can willingly, and save my digestion by thinking pleasantly.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Oh there are so many reasons to save my digestion from thinking pleasantly today about right now. BUT there is a need to have the talks that husband and wife, two people committed to each other, parents and adult children, and in some cases parents with children that may, if I can pervert Robert Louis Stevenson's words, give us indigestion by thinking unpleasantly.

As reasonable and responsible people we need to make sure that our loved ones know our wishes. As much as we may not want to discuss those possibilities, tomorrow may never come, or at least come in a form that we are cognizant of. I love Tammy for saying what she did. I know that both of us watched at the hospital and had our minds in disarray for the rest of the day as we personally digested what we saw, thought about it and finally that evening after the day was under control compared notes, shared opinions and understood that we cannot understand or predict what will happen with those two impacted by one man's addiction.

That man's addiction and obsession though does impact 3 others, and from that 6 children and those whom love those 3 and 6. Thus things are in motion that need to be in motion. The hospital stepped in and took care of a situation that they could and had power to take care of. Thus the wheels on that life story are progressing forward.

They could move more smoothly though if we take control today over what may or will happen tomorrow. Take control now of those things you need to and talk. Push aside the fears and be pleasantly touched by the love of those whom you love.

as I began I close this thought ...

Make sure you have the discussions you need to have with your loved ones now.

No more

...yet National Awareness Month continues. The National Stroke Association website has so much more on it yet it is overwhelming at times. It becomes too much to deal with. Thus I have conveyed the most poignant points that I could find knowing that you may or may not read them, knowing that you may or may not pay attention to them, knowing that you may or may not care that these could be you.

But I have to try.

I have to try and convince one person to change one habit, to learn one new fact, to understand me a little bit, to strive to improve themselves and in the progress of doing this mitigate some of their risk. I watch people do things every day that make my heart cry and die a little bit when they are those I care about. I know that what they are doing is not healthy but whom am I to speak.

I am someone who took too long to realize, too long to make a change, procrastinated too many times. That is what I think it boils down to for many. I think you know and are aware but you wait, thinking you can push it off until tomorrow and that eventually you will make a change. I was that person, still am that person in some aspects but I am changing. I chose to change for I know first hand that there may not be a tomorrow and need to do what I can to improve my world, improve me, correct some of the wrongs that I can correct and prepare for that which will come.

I cannot ask you to change for that change has to come from you. I can only show you what I have learned. Give you words that show what I have found and know that I believe them. I will post no more about strokes this month, the controllable risks or any of that. I cannot as it makes me sad. It takes me to a place where I was. I am not there now, but to be reminded day in and day out with this is sometimes too much. I am faced with enough daily reminders and challenges as it is.

So thank you for reading, those who read, and know that I appreciate any time that you put into this.

Peace ... Namaste

Time to Repair!!!

Today was really an information gathering session. Dr. Malik is one of the junior partners at the Heart Center of North Texas and really good at what he does. I found out from Cynthia (his nurse for 22 years) that he is booked through December of this year and most of next year is filling up. They fly in from other states and one of his specialties is closing PFO’s.

But the discussions he and I had were intense. Some things became clear to me. I had been reading about this but it was not as clear as he made it. We all develop little clots and such when we bruise or hurt our body. These clots are little and travel through the venous system, the blood going back to the heart. This enters the right chambers and is then pushed through the lungs. This serves two purposes. One is to apply the necessary oxygen to the hemoglobin in the red blood cells. The other is the lungs act as a filter. The filter the dust and such that we breathe in and they filter these little blood clots. The clean air returns to the left chambers of the heart where it travels out to supply the body and brain with oxygen.

Now a PFO that does not close after birth sits there as a little potential short cut from the right side to the left side of the heart bypassing the lungs. This can happen when we sneeze, when we cough, when we strain while sitting on the loo and what I just found out…when we have sleep apnea.

When I stop breathing at night my heart jumps when my body is forced to wake up and take a deep breath. This is the prime opportunity for that clot to move over from one side to the other. Then a TIA or stroke occurs.

I found him to be a very knowledgeable man speaking on both a high intellectual level and knowing that I was understanding this, then also dropping into layman’s terms easily when he could tell I was struggling with a concept.

He was rather interested in how the stroke happened, what symptoms I had and then did some physical examination and had me do some tests that seemed to be more neurological. The first things he said after the examination was that my breath and heart sounds were good. That my neurological disorders were still a little off but mostly normal, that I probably was having issues with numbers, that I was probably still having issues getting the message across and was jumbling up sentences. Sorry but WTF.

I have not really discussed with many that my brother is dealing with my finances as I just cannot deal with it. I had to ask the apartment manager how much my check needed to be written for as I cannot remember numbers. There were no sentences I had to write on the 8 pages of documentation I had to fill in and well he even knew that my short term memory was still a little off. Can I be Hurley here…Dude this guy was kinda creeping me out a little bit. But on the flip side I was impressed.

Good news is he believes that I will gain full functionality back as I am young. Then he dropped the bombshell on me that I have been skirting with avoiding. “Philip, you can keep taking the aggrenox for the rest of your life and not have the surgery but it is not a matter of if you will have another stroke it is a matter of when you will have another stroke if we confirm there is a hole in your heart.”

I know that is the case. I have not wanted to face that reality but it is true. So I have to make a decision. I have to make the decision. I have to make a decision about my life. I know there are lots of factors that have contributed to me being where I am today and most of them are of my own making. I did not take the weight off seriously. I procrastinated. I did not pursue the sleep apnea in Maui. I have made choices that I can change and work on now. I have time. But I cannot do anything about a hole between the right and left chambers of my heart and my body has already suffered. The organ that I need to live and live at the level of intelligence that I want to live at has suffered.

There is no one to make this decision for me. As terrified as I am of having someone invade my heart the prospect without this invasion is just as chilling.

I have to make a decision.

TEE is on the 11th – I go in at 9 and the process starts at 11 am.

Closing the hole in my heart (if the TEE confirms that) is scheduled for the 19th. I go in at 9 am, procedure at 11 – takes about 1-2 hours. Actual process is about 15 minutes long. I will be under anesthesia as they will have the ultrasound scope down my throat as well as going into my heart. I will stay overnight in the hospital and come home on the 20th.

I have made my decision. (my hand trembled when typing that last paragraph but my inner mind lets me know that it is right)

Plans change for the month of June but that is alright. We have to adjust as the world around us adjusts.

I have a direction and that direction is forward.

REPAIR, LEARN and most importantly LIVE

Decisions

Well I have decided that it is time for me to make a decision. I need to call my Doctor tomorrow, which means I will probably have to go in to see him but I will deal with that when it happens. I need to talk to someone about this TEE and what the surgery will entail and what type of time frames we are looking at here.

I feel good, except for the headaches, but that is a side effect of the medicine. I really do. Tired and have not been sleeping well. I cannot put my finger on why. But I get my Darth Vader mask on the 19th and then learn to start sleeping with that on. I am so hoping that it makes a difference.

But I need to get moving on my heart and that issue. There is much to know, much to find out and then things that have to be decided upon after that by me. So phone call tomorrow.

By the way I tried broccoli slaw today and that was actually really nice. Chicken breast, broccoli slaw and Green Machine for dinner. Almost back to normal. But I had sushi both Friday and Saturday as there was so much and you never turn down an invitation from a beautiful woman to go and join her for sushi. :)

My momma didn't raise no fool!

BTW - Happy Mother's Day to all. "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~ Rajneesh

Confused and well overwhelmed....

I am so confused....I try to find more information and end up with more questions.

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What course of action do I take? Where do I go? What should I do?

All questions I know I have to answer but just don't know what to do at this point. I am trying to live but some times I just feel like I am walking uphill and losing ground against the wind.

I guess I have to go read more, talk to more people and get answers somewhere.

:(