A whole freaking month? Well I guess it has been. Heart doctor told me that my heart was broken- told him that happened long ago, with a repeat just a little while ago. He was just joking with me. Sadly I was not.
But he gave me a clean bill of health. As far as the heart goes. He wanted that higher heart rate but I learned that important lesson - my carvedilol is working. It stops the heart rate from escalating. So the hours and hours on the treadmills and bikes where I have tried to raise the heart rate and gotten frustrated are now clear to me.
Was supposed to have a sleep study this last Monday but I was so sick - pretty much in bed all day Sunday and most of Monday. So that got pushed. Sleep is disjointed this week but I think I have been trying to get too much done during the day and not getting there until 11 or 12. That is a little bit late for the new me.
Yep that is weird to write as a year ago I would not, could not get to bed before 1 am. Now that is late. I think that the Colorado trips and the all night driving have my time schedule all a kilter. So time to change. Slowly get that sleeping schedule skewed back correctly.
I know the other part is psychological. I get used to sleeping by myself and become fine with that. When I have to share my bed or sleep in the same room as others I actually sleep deeper. Sleep more soundly than I ever do by myself. Then when that is taken away I fall into a state of having to get comfortable with being all alone again. It goes back to one of those personal deep seated fears.
So in a couple of weeks the routine will be back.
That and listening to others going through challenges bring back thoughts and emotions that are tucked behind doors. It is good. It allows me to explore them with a new perspective, it allows me to spend time on the inner me.
Right now I love the inner me, I love the person I am inside. I can freely and honestly say that I hate the shell though that carries it around. This is my cross to carry, to work on, to continue to fail with changing until I can find that ability to make the correct change. At least I can hold onto that as a hope.
That is me in a nutshell right now. Playing with a 7D and contemplating how to get some different lenses. Trying different routes in life. Living. Loving. Learning.
Namaste my friends.
Showing posts with label how I am right now. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how I am right now. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Walking story
It is always "well if you have ever walked in my shoes" or "be in my shoes" but who really wants to walk or be in someone else shoes. I know I am particular about shoes but I guess when I had a grandfather who worked in a shoe factory in Norwich for 50 years and I managed two Stride Rite shoes stores for a handful of years you get to know them really well.
These were a gift from my father in 2008 before blazing through the mountains in Oklahoma. I truly do love these hiking shoes are they have another year in them. Hmm the outer tread is getting low but they have been great to me.
Knowing shoes I know that for exercise I needed good support. These are also aging and desperately need an upgrade but for now I will keep moving along with them. I also have an older version of these that are good for yard work and that is about it nowadays. But I live in an apartment and have no yard so they are good junk shoes for when I just need something that I don't mind trashing around in.
These are brand new. Just got them today. Let me tell you a story. When I was going through all my bills and working with my wife/brother/accountant (well he is my brother, can be like a wife cos he is my unpaid accountant - although in conversations at the beginning of the month he did mention the interest rate he is charging me is compounding in a unique way - well I am digressing) I discovered a gift card for Sears of all places. Why? I thought about it for a while.
As most of you know last year I had a girlfriend, who had a house, in another town, with three little girls. The house needed help and at one point the general course of my life would have had me down there at this point of this year. Alas she left (probably smart as I would have not moved with the promotion I received and would have ended the relationship then) but I had asked for gift cards to places for things for the house (windows, doors, appliances, etc) and I think this must have been one.
So I checked if anyone needed it. Nope. Saw a Sears flyer in the paper at work last week that showed all their shoes on sale so I went and got some sandals. I had been wanting another pair. The Birkenstocks I had in Hawaii finally died when I moved to Corpus Christi and so it has been about 8 years without any. I like these as I have narrow heels so the cinch strap around the back can help in that area.
I know this subject is completely off the wall but maybe not so much. We live and learn and live some more. I have been thinking about love recently. I loved someone last year as a lover - I needed that. I needed someone to defrost my heart and make me realize some things. Realize that there was/is more in me that is broken that needs to be repaired.
So as I walked through the past two years of my life I realize that what I found in love last year I have in love right now but of a kind that is not a lover but a friend. One of those intimate moments of realization that for a person who is not yourself you would do anything for. Love exists on so many levels ... if you believe in a higher power or purpose you know of that unconditional love.
If you are married you know of that love that spirals around the two of you and can be found on personal, companionship and intimate levels. If you are intimate with someone you know of that passion that may be rooted more in lust but is a level of love.
There is family love .. a bond that makes a mother and brother spend time in the hospital while another goes through surgery and the mother stops and listens at your door during the night to hear you breathing before returning to bed. That bond is strong ... can be stubborn, can bend and break sometimes but often heals as it is the love that connects a common thread of genes.
The walk of exploration in my mind this week and last has been a realization roller coaster and I discovered the love of close friendship that for me is something precious. It is a great realization as I have feared loneliness for many years but accepted it as a necessary partner and maybe I am learning that it is not necessary.
So even though the temperature may drop back into the 30s tonight (thank you) from the mid 80s (I got a freaking sunburn today) I will slip on my sandals and keep walking, exploring, learning, repairing, learning, living and loving some more.
Good night.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Small window
I just ingested drugs that will help me sleep and take the pain away. So in the window before the glaze covers my eyes I thought I would update all. Doing OK. Two chunky incisions in my torso. One right above the belly button and one below the sternum. They two puncture holes on the right side of my body ... obviously where hoses were put in for ? I don't know for sure and I was thankfully not conscious when they did the operation.
I do know that they had to administer morphine during the surgery itself as I was reacting to the pain even while under. Obviously I was not happy about that.
So I am here. More to come I am sure. But we are now three plus days removed from that event and the pain is slowly abating.
See you around.
I do know that they had to administer morphine during the surgery itself as I was reacting to the pain even while under. Obviously I was not happy about that.
So I am here. More to come I am sure. But we are now three plus days removed from that event and the pain is slowly abating.
See you around.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
watching da' clock
essentially an update:
8 pm which is 2 am in the UK provided no updates at all today. Presumption by many must be that all is the same as it was yesterday.
Personally I know that I would be an emotional wreck. I might not show it so much on the outside but on the inside I would be falling to pieces. Those who know me well would get to see me break down as for them ... for them the wall would come down.
So I presume nothing. For it could be that those walls fell to the ground and something did happen. In that state, if I am like he as I am made of his DNA, maybe you would not want others to know you that way.
So we sit waiting, watching da' clock.
Yes I know that is a strange word to use there for many but da kine is da best kinda Hawaiian Pidgin. This is me. Something so different to break up the oppressive emotions of sitting there waiting for news, unable to do something, anything.
Good night
8 pm which is 2 am in the UK provided no updates at all today. Presumption by many must be that all is the same as it was yesterday.
Personally I know that I would be an emotional wreck. I might not show it so much on the outside but on the inside I would be falling to pieces. Those who know me well would get to see me break down as for them ... for them the wall would come down.
So I presume nothing. For it could be that those walls fell to the ground and something did happen. In that state, if I am like he as I am made of his DNA, maybe you would not want others to know you that way.
So we sit waiting, watching da' clock.
Yes I know that is a strange word to use there for many but da kine is da best kinda Hawaiian Pidgin. This is me. Something so different to break up the oppressive emotions of sitting there waiting for news, unable to do something, anything.
Good night
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Just a matter of time
Well dad made it home Thursday. Amazingly on the flight over no one was in the row with him or the row in front. As a matter of fact, he told mum, there were a lot of empty seats on the plane. So the eight our trip was uneventful and smooth. He was able to get up a few times and walk around - do his exercises less that disc in his back give him lots of grief.
My Uncle Gerald met him at the airport and they had a spot of tea or coffee and then the drive from London to Norwich. They went straight over to see grandma. She was there and she knew who he was. So Thursday she was cognizant of who her son was. She had not eaten any food for almost 3 weeks and had a morphine drip. Still at home with home care there in the morning and evening and one of her four children there during the day.
Now the nurses from home care have to stay with her overnight. She was waiting for dad to get home. We all knew she was. She was aware, as I mentioned, of whom he was on Thursday, on Friday she had only a couple of oz of liquid and still knew him, today she was in the bed the entire day with her eyes closed almost all day. She was, and this is second hand information, not seemingly aware of much around her and a couple of comments issued from her mouth that ... were they dreams coming forth or is reality slipping away.
On the phone with mum this afternoon, evening there, I think the enormity of this hit my father and through the tears he hoped that his mum would go soon. The doctors think it will be any day now. This is not something anyone wants to contemplate but it is a reality so many of us must face at some point in our life.
I find these things out when I go calling for the information. Much of this information would eventually make it to me but who knows when. Thus I find out this after spending 20 minutes on the phone with my brother and then another 40 minutes with mum. Thus it is 10:40 at night and I sit in the living room thinking how does one deal with this type of information when the only people around that he knows and loves are asleep.
So I sit here ... sharing with the internet. Is that good or bad? I don't know. I was thinking this morning that most of my friends are women. My best friend is a beautiful lady with a wonderful little girl.
There are times that I want to share things with someone but may be on a topic that I wonder about ... the proper nature of man and woman that was drilled into me in an upright era growing up in England. With an era from just before my time that enforced the man does not have emotion and thus I wonder if the rage that is built up in the men my father's age is not a result of repressed emotions from years past.
Then again if emotion was displayed it was in private and being the young boy growing up there I would not have seen this, being four hours away when my grandfather died I do not know what processes my family went through. By the time we had the funeral in Norwich two or so weeks later there were minimal tears and maybe all the grieving was done, or maybe it was repressed.
Regardless, now it is just a matter of time. My grandmother had her last wish fulfilled I believe. To see her son. Her first born there to say "hello mum, I love you" and let her know that it is now in her hands.
It is always just a matter of time.
Good night friends, good night fellow bloggers, good night internet.
My Uncle Gerald met him at the airport and they had a spot of tea or coffee and then the drive from London to Norwich. They went straight over to see grandma. She was there and she knew who he was. So Thursday she was cognizant of who her son was. She had not eaten any food for almost 3 weeks and had a morphine drip. Still at home with home care there in the morning and evening and one of her four children there during the day.
Now the nurses from home care have to stay with her overnight. She was waiting for dad to get home. We all knew she was. She was aware, as I mentioned, of whom he was on Thursday, on Friday she had only a couple of oz of liquid and still knew him, today she was in the bed the entire day with her eyes closed almost all day. She was, and this is second hand information, not seemingly aware of much around her and a couple of comments issued from her mouth that ... were they dreams coming forth or is reality slipping away.
On the phone with mum this afternoon, evening there, I think the enormity of this hit my father and through the tears he hoped that his mum would go soon. The doctors think it will be any day now. This is not something anyone wants to contemplate but it is a reality so many of us must face at some point in our life.
I find these things out when I go calling for the information. Much of this information would eventually make it to me but who knows when. Thus I find out this after spending 20 minutes on the phone with my brother and then another 40 minutes with mum. Thus it is 10:40 at night and I sit in the living room thinking how does one deal with this type of information when the only people around that he knows and loves are asleep.
So I sit here ... sharing with the internet. Is that good or bad? I don't know. I was thinking this morning that most of my friends are women. My best friend is a beautiful lady with a wonderful little girl.
There are times that I want to share things with someone but may be on a topic that I wonder about ... the proper nature of man and woman that was drilled into me in an upright era growing up in England. With an era from just before my time that enforced the man does not have emotion and thus I wonder if the rage that is built up in the men my father's age is not a result of repressed emotions from years past.
Then again if emotion was displayed it was in private and being the young boy growing up there I would not have seen this, being four hours away when my grandfather died I do not know what processes my family went through. By the time we had the funeral in Norwich two or so weeks later there were minimal tears and maybe all the grieving was done, or maybe it was repressed.
Regardless, now it is just a matter of time. My grandmother had her last wish fulfilled I believe. To see her son. Her first born there to say "hello mum, I love you" and let her know that it is now in her hands.
It is always just a matter of time.
Good night friends, good night fellow bloggers, good night internet.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Vibes
Last night, actually yesterday afternoon early evening time, I had that strange feeling that something was not alright. I did all my mental checklists yet the feeling persisted and when it came time to go to bed I knew it was not a worry about me but something was not right. There was a vibe of uneasiness, a sense that something was out of kilter.
I sometimes hate that ability I have to pick up on things that I really don't need to know about but also do need to know about. But this one was made clear this afternoon with a phone call to my parents. It was snowing outside, kinda of senseless to go anywhere. Just finished cooking up lunch and rearranging the freezer. So while watching the snow fall I called dad. His answer to the phone told me something was up. It is my grandmother. His mother. Kidneys are failing. She has decided it is time to move on.
Let's review the little hiccup in being able to do anything about this. She is in England with my uncle and two aunts and we are here in the US. So now dad is hoping she will hold on. Trying to get a ticket home. Last time I was home was with him Christmas of 2007 to bury his father, my grandfather. This time I venture he is going to have to go alone.
Never easy. Is it supposed to be hard? I sometimes wonder about that. But she is well into her 90's and has battled diabetes for thirty or more years. I just hope she is able to hang on long enough for dad to get there. It is his mother. I know that I really don't want to consider the loss of my mother but this is now all real for him.
Hang on grandma, your oldest born is coming home.
See these vibes are sometimes left alone but when they impact me, well they can never be left alone.
I sometimes hate that ability I have to pick up on things that I really don't need to know about but also do need to know about. But this one was made clear this afternoon with a phone call to my parents. It was snowing outside, kinda of senseless to go anywhere. Just finished cooking up lunch and rearranging the freezer. So while watching the snow fall I called dad. His answer to the phone told me something was up. It is my grandmother. His mother. Kidneys are failing. She has decided it is time to move on.
Let's review the little hiccup in being able to do anything about this. She is in England with my uncle and two aunts and we are here in the US. So now dad is hoping she will hold on. Trying to get a ticket home. Last time I was home was with him Christmas of 2007 to bury his father, my grandfather. This time I venture he is going to have to go alone.
Never easy. Is it supposed to be hard? I sometimes wonder about that. But she is well into her 90's and has battled diabetes for thirty or more years. I just hope she is able to hang on long enough for dad to get there. It is his mother. I know that I really don't want to consider the loss of my mother but this is now all real for him.
Hang on grandma, your oldest born is coming home.
See these vibes are sometimes left alone but when they impact me, well they can never be left alone.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Where ... time ... when ???
Well it has been a few days hasn't it. It seems to have flown by for me and there are still so many things on my to do list I ... wait ... sorry there were three things that I had thought about adding to my board today that I just had to add now before I forgot ... now where was I ... oh yes, so many things on the list that we all probably have to do at this time of the year yet I have so little time. There is so much happening at work, so many cultures of the business I am trying to impact, training programs I am creating that need to start this week with a new employee and possibly another new one in the week ahead.
Personally I like the thought of giving people a job right before Christmas.
Work has been so full though. When I finished working on my payroll information for last week I realized I worked every day (not all full shifts though). Too much ... or is it?
This was me as a store manager for most of my adult life. Working 12-16 hour days and being really involved in the process every day. I thrive on this on some sick level. The season I truly despise for the commercial retail driven chaos that it has become was also the season of make or break for many business that are consumer driven. Thus the busiest and surprisingly when I happen to be at my most comfortable level. I settle in ... time slows down yet there is never enough time. Things explode and I bow out of the shock wave and roll with the curls of the ocean waves riding just ahead of the break while observing the cacophony of stress around me.
I love to snatch people up in my teams at this time of the year when they are about to explode and help them diffuse. Part of why I have planned lots of little events for my team in the coming weeks to allow the stranglehold of pressure to loosen and their creative energies flow.
I just don't buy presents anymore and that removes me from the terrible thought of having to face that some level of agoraphobia I seem to exhibit in malls and big box stores. Such a level of stress is done. The few items for the nieces and nephew have been taken care of a while ago. I did Christmas cards this year and well that is about it for the money flow and for the need to subject myself to unnecessary stress. I should probably use one of the Border's reward coupons they keep sending me to see if I can find one of my Zen calendars. First thing on a Monday morning would be good with a cup of green tea.
Have I been wandering in this post? Should I read back over it and see if it makes sense. Nah. Let it be. I have my moments of letting people see the wandering mind and then it all slams shut and gets locked up once again.
Sigh I need to find some time to research that which I have been discovering about stroke patients. I need to look into the facts about the 2 year rule of the largest strides all happen within 2 years ... gives me about 3 months before that time is up. I have read a few things that support what I believe ... you just have to work a little bit harder after those two years to gain more in the world of improvement.
I'm here. Challenged a little bit to keep on top of the blog and social media world, but I know that the real world around me, the world within me and the family and friends I have, can see and touch, talk to and laugh with are more important than the blog world, the social media buzz will be the first that I shut out.
So I raise my bottle of water (these really great stainless steel bottles were half off at World Market last week and are awesome) in a toast to the aspect of time - that you and I will have some in the days ahead for our peace of minds, chilling with the season and living a little bit of this precious gift of life.
Namaste
Personally I like the thought of giving people a job right before Christmas.
Work has been so full though. When I finished working on my payroll information for last week I realized I worked every day (not all full shifts though). Too much ... or is it?
This was me as a store manager for most of my adult life. Working 12-16 hour days and being really involved in the process every day. I thrive on this on some sick level. The season I truly despise for the commercial retail driven chaos that it has become was also the season of make or break for many business that are consumer driven. Thus the busiest and surprisingly when I happen to be at my most comfortable level. I settle in ... time slows down yet there is never enough time. Things explode and I bow out of the shock wave and roll with the curls of the ocean waves riding just ahead of the break while observing the cacophony of stress around me.
I love to snatch people up in my teams at this time of the year when they are about to explode and help them diffuse. Part of why I have planned lots of little events for my team in the coming weeks to allow the stranglehold of pressure to loosen and their creative energies flow.
I just don't buy presents anymore and that removes me from the terrible thought of having to face that some level of agoraphobia I seem to exhibit in malls and big box stores. Such a level of stress is done. The few items for the nieces and nephew have been taken care of a while ago. I did Christmas cards this year and well that is about it for the money flow and for the need to subject myself to unnecessary stress. I should probably use one of the Border's reward coupons they keep sending me to see if I can find one of my Zen calendars. First thing on a Monday morning would be good with a cup of green tea.
Have I been wandering in this post? Should I read back over it and see if it makes sense. Nah. Let it be. I have my moments of letting people see the wandering mind and then it all slams shut and gets locked up once again.
Sigh I need to find some time to research that which I have been discovering about stroke patients. I need to look into the facts about the 2 year rule of the largest strides all happen within 2 years ... gives me about 3 months before that time is up. I have read a few things that support what I believe ... you just have to work a little bit harder after those two years to gain more in the world of improvement.
I'm here. Challenged a little bit to keep on top of the blog and social media world, but I know that the real world around me, the world within me and the family and friends I have, can see and touch, talk to and laugh with are more important than the blog world, the social media buzz will be the first that I shut out.
So I raise my bottle of water (these really great stainless steel bottles were half off at World Market last week and are awesome) in a toast to the aspect of time - that you and I will have some in the days ahead for our peace of minds, chilling with the season and living a little bit of this precious gift of life.
Namaste
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Aphasia
You know I have the holiday all to myself and I was getting ready to go to work (from home - love that option when the office is closed) but had a few moments to read my most recent Stroke Smarts edition that came yesterday. I had to both smile and cry at something I read on the page 12 article. The article is called Aphasia Recovery.
What you may not know is that I lost the ability to do calculations and mathematical functions after my strokes. I had to turn my bank account over to my brother, who himself has a lot on his plate, but I love him for taking on one more challenge in his world. I can do percentages in my head and large number approximations but forecasting with something that is critical just is like ... walking through a pit of mud up to my neck while a blade pendulum swings overhead. It just is hard and causes so much stress inside my head.
I have always thought that maybe I was going insane in that area and have struggled to deal with this and not look like I am just mooching off of my brother's accounting skills. But it seems so real. That is why this article was so profound.
Wait ... yep I saw that too. I read more and now have some where to go. I am not insane ... that last bullet point is my form of aphasia. It is such a relief to know that something you struggle with daily since March of 2009 is not all in your head ... then again it is in your head because of what was damaged in it.
But now I have direction. I have somewhere to go. There are resources and a National Aphasia Association. I can learn ... then work on repairing what I can and keep on living.
It is a day of gratitude and maybe this is my gift for the day. I am thankful of that. Truly I am.
What you may not know is that I lost the ability to do calculations and mathematical functions after my strokes. I had to turn my bank account over to my brother, who himself has a lot on his plate, but I love him for taking on one more challenge in his world. I can do percentages in my head and large number approximations but forecasting with something that is critical just is like ... walking through a pit of mud up to my neck while a blade pendulum swings overhead. It just is hard and causes so much stress inside my head.
I have always thought that maybe I was going insane in that area and have struggled to deal with this and not look like I am just mooching off of my brother's accounting skills. But it seems so real. That is why this article was so profound.
Aphasia is an impairment of language. Stroke survivors with aphasia might be unable to use and comprehend words, but aphasia does not affect intelligence. It is a common problem for many stroke survivors and might make it hard to:
No two people experience aphasia the same way ...
- Talk
- Understand what other people say
- Read
- Write
- Use numbers and do calculations
Wait ... yep I saw that too. I read more and now have some where to go. I am not insane ... that last bullet point is my form of aphasia. It is such a relief to know that something you struggle with daily since March of 2009 is not all in your head ... then again it is in your head because of what was damaged in it.
But now I have direction. I have somewhere to go. There are resources and a National Aphasia Association. I can learn ... then work on repairing what I can and keep on living.
It is a day of gratitude and maybe this is my gift for the day. I am thankful of that. Truly I am.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Owwww
Punctured my damn tongue today while running errands this afternoon before coming into work. I mean I seriously bit it and severed something deep on the underside. That part of the body bleeds like heck so I was concerned especially with me on the Aggrenox. But at least I was just drinking the blood. (yuck)
Finally I finished and made it into work early for a meeting with me and a tea bag sitting under my tongue. Yep tea bags are great for in the mouth as the tannins do wonders in promoting clotting in that moist environment. Just please don't ask me a question ... please ... was all that kept running through my head.
They did ... I sounded like I had just stepped off of the dentists chair. (rolls eyes)
But additional side effect issues to this is it freaking well hurts to eat. It is even uncomfortable to talk. So I tried to find as many projects today that kept me off of the phones and in creating hierarchies for training programs and power point shows to sell the whole training program to the shareholders of this project I created. Bad news is ... now I am freaking hungry. Good news is it is almost time to go home.
So back to the last tasks of the work day. See ya!
Finally I finished and made it into work early for a meeting with me and a tea bag sitting under my tongue. Yep tea bags are great for in the mouth as the tannins do wonders in promoting clotting in that moist environment. Just please don't ask me a question ... please ... was all that kept running through my head.
They did ... I sounded like I had just stepped off of the dentists chair. (rolls eyes)
But additional side effect issues to this is it freaking well hurts to eat. It is even uncomfortable to talk. So I tried to find as many projects today that kept me off of the phones and in creating hierarchies for training programs and power point shows to sell the whole training program to the shareholders of this project I created. Bad news is ... now I am freaking hungry. Good news is it is almost time to go home.
So back to the last tasks of the work day. See ya!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hiding behind
I started to write a long essay yesterday that is still sitting there waiting for me to revisit about where I fit in in this world. I don't know and I am still pondering all that I saw yesterday and all that I felt but today someone I love made a comment to me that I seem well. I had to sit and think about that as the reality is far from that but I have managed to pull of that perception ... I have managed to put on that mask.
"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.
Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.
It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)
This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.
I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.
But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.
Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.
So I try each and every day.
I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.
I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.
With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.
I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.
I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.
Thank you.
WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
Paul Laurence Dunbar
"Oh it is so far from the truth in that it becomes the truth. We are born naked and fully unaware into this world and learn from others reactions. We are constantly provided with a list of things that we are not to do or are 'bad'. Thus we conclude that we are bad. We therefore determine and learn to hold negative beliefs of ourselves. This is the first level of the mask that so many of us wear. We don't want others to see this of us and we put on our faces and outward appearance so that they, the outside world, will not know that we live in fear of being a bad person.
Then as we age we try on different masks for different reasons and determine what works for us ... the happy one, the studious one, the know it all, the jock, the geek, the punk ... and we cover ourselves up with so many layers of masks that we live in a new fear of being exposed. In the business world we find a whole different world of masks to layer over the top of each other as we create a persona that fits us in.
It beats us down over time and sometimes we just let it all go. We may meet someone who does not know us and we decide to let them see the real person under all those heavy robes and mantles we are carrying." (me)
This was the crux of the one part of many a church retreat in high school and college that I would host. I would talk about the masks that we lived behind. I had this one down pat. I could wheel and deal you out of your masks and give you a moment to just be you. The real you. I knew that once you left you would bottle it all up and become the you behind the mask but for a moment, for just one moment that awareness of you being you was real.
I was good at this but I am also great at covering up the underlying me. The scared, lonely, confused, heartbroken, lost and totally sad me. Obviously I have done this well in the world of social media. I know that those close to me, who can see and touch me, are aware of more. They can see through the cracks in my masks. Those on the phone can tell something is amiss by my voice but cannot put a finger on it.
But how much of that mask that I am putting on is a portrayal of the hope I have that there can be more for me in this world. That somewhere I do fit into this puzzle called life. That I can have hope that I do not have to be lonely for the rest of my life. Or can we create so many masks in life that we don't really know where the real us is under so many layers of a reality we create.
Here in the words I can be more me than I can in person, that I do know. I am such an empathic person and have too many emotions when I try to break down the reality to others in person. Thus here I let people get peeks into who I am. Right now I am wounded and that wound runs deep into my psyche. I could not spend enough time on that trying to figure out where it ends and where to begin the healing so I close it up. That does not heal me and overall it hampers me. But right now that is the existence that I must live in. I have to find a way to try and make it through the day to day grind. I have to find the energy to get out of the house and not hide away with loneliness as my constant companion.
So I try each and every day.
I get up and find a smile to put on my face. I go through some tasks that are routine and others that change. I give thanks for the breath I have and then look for the strength to move through the motions of eating, cleaning, washing clothes and such before heading to work do deal with the world outside. It is a challenging task some days but most days I make it without incident.
I have to find ways to change that. I have to find ways to heal myself. So tomorrow, Monday the 25th of October I begin the Induction phase of a lifestyle change. I cannot go on like this and this is the repair part of me. Through the haze of this week I have worked hard on reading a large textbook about change and repair even though apathy often wanted me to curl up and ignore the world. The change hearkens back to what my nutritionist had me on after the stroke and what I have drifted away from.
With this change I begin to truly move to the next level of healing the physical me. I am hopeful that as I heal the physical me I will in turn begin to heal the broken man, the broken child inside of me.
I thank my family and friends for being a constant reminder through the past couple of weeks and I know that I will continue to need you more as I move into the new phase of me.
I am not fine. I am not even close to being there now. I do not mean to deceive but I need to see the me that I hope to become and thus the masks will be part of me as I heal. Don't be afraid to ask as you know that I have always said it like it is when people have truly meant that they want to know, rather than the superficial.
Thank you.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
3 months already???
Quarterly checkup today … yep another 3 months gone on by and blood work pulled last week. Actually it was a little bit on the scary side as the blood was pulled the day after I had a scare with blood loss. I guess that I am really aware when I lose blood now as I am on an anti-coagulant and will be for life. With that when I have an opportunity to lose blood I have an opportunity to lose lots of blood. Scary.
But got to sit down with the doctor today and go over my results. Talk about what has happened in the last couple of months, what is going on but today I was impressed. When I mentioned one of my concerns he counter offered with an option to write a prescription for a muscle relaxer (just 10). I countered with the fact that even though some people may think that I take choose to take hard core drugs when things are bad I do not.
So I had countered with the fact that I know I have done things in the past that have stressed my kidneys and liver out. I really have been working on eliminating drugs and have gone from 7 daily meds to 5 and cut two of them in half, as far as strength goes, and do not want to add more. I like life. So he countered with almost an hour of going over each level of what he tested in the blood work, comparison to what he has on record for me since 2007 and well showed me why he suggest what he suggests and why he listens to me when I counter.
That kind of relationship is hard to come by in the medical profession. To be able to interact with a doctor that has a prescribed amount of patients to meet due to insurance companies. To have a doctor tell you that you are wrong and justify it. To have him say that he is wrong and this is why he thinks I am right. No ego there. Just open talk. Someone who I am not fearful of discussing concerns with of any type nor will he be fearful of telling me the honest truth from where he sits. He will not prescribe medicine without cause and I especially like that he will not prescribe antibiotics for those things that do not need them. (i.e. we discussed today how people request antibiotics for colds and colds are viruses … antibiotics work on bacteria … thus why? … because advertising scares people into wanting what they do not need)
This discussion today highlighted the 2 levels of study done on the kidneys and their ability to be active and filter what needs to be filtered. I am well within the norms. The liver. Well within the norm. Blood sugar levels. Have been borderline for 3 years but I have maintained or decreased that. Further weight loss will be the key here to make them back off from the edge of being pre-diabetic. The blood cells themselves are in great shape. Right count in the number of blood cells which countered a thought that I might have had so much blood loss due to bleeding ulcer (not good for someone on anti-coagulant). No anemia. No deficiencies in all levels tested. Cholesterol remains great at 155. But more importantly it raised only due to the fact that my HDL went from 36 to 46. Phew. That lower than 40 number is not good at all for HDL. Now it is getting closer to where I would be happy but the doc is overjoyed that in 3 months I could move it 10 points.
So now we maintain and improve. I had my flu shot. I declined the muscle relaxant. Continued with the nasal steroid as the allergy season is intense upon us here in north Texas. Acknowledged that I have been at plateau too long at this weight and need to focus on moving that needle in the get off pre-diabetes watch list.Continue to watch what I eat, work on paying attention more to my bodies indicators and most poignantly from my doctor ... enjoy life.
But got to sit down with the doctor today and go over my results. Talk about what has happened in the last couple of months, what is going on but today I was impressed. When I mentioned one of my concerns he counter offered with an option to write a prescription for a muscle relaxer (just 10). I countered with the fact that even though some people may think that I take choose to take hard core drugs when things are bad I do not.
Now let me step to the side and quantify that last statement above. Yes, if you would have asked me in the early 90’s or in 2005 if I took the strongest medicines I could get my hands on I would say yes. The 90’s my sinuses were so screwed up and the pain was intense. I popped pain pills like nobody’s business. In 2005 the ruptured disc in my back [done in 1988] finally shifted and sawed the heck out of the left leg nerve bundle. To sleep, I literally had to stand in the corner of the room and lean on my right shoulder. That was horrible. When they offered to shoot my spine up with pain drugs, even though I could have been paralyzed for life, I did not hesitate to say PLEASE!
So I had countered with the fact that I know I have done things in the past that have stressed my kidneys and liver out. I really have been working on eliminating drugs and have gone from 7 daily meds to 5 and cut two of them in half, as far as strength goes, and do not want to add more. I like life. So he countered with almost an hour of going over each level of what he tested in the blood work, comparison to what he has on record for me since 2007 and well showed me why he suggest what he suggests and why he listens to me when I counter.
That kind of relationship is hard to come by in the medical profession. To be able to interact with a doctor that has a prescribed amount of patients to meet due to insurance companies. To have a doctor tell you that you are wrong and justify it. To have him say that he is wrong and this is why he thinks I am right. No ego there. Just open talk. Someone who I am not fearful of discussing concerns with of any type nor will he be fearful of telling me the honest truth from where he sits. He will not prescribe medicine without cause and I especially like that he will not prescribe antibiotics for those things that do not need them. (i.e. we discussed today how people request antibiotics for colds and colds are viruses … antibiotics work on bacteria … thus why? … because advertising scares people into wanting what they do not need)
This discussion today highlighted the 2 levels of study done on the kidneys and their ability to be active and filter what needs to be filtered. I am well within the norms. The liver. Well within the norm. Blood sugar levels. Have been borderline for 3 years but I have maintained or decreased that. Further weight loss will be the key here to make them back off from the edge of being pre-diabetic. The blood cells themselves are in great shape. Right count in the number of blood cells which countered a thought that I might have had so much blood loss due to bleeding ulcer (not good for someone on anti-coagulant). No anemia. No deficiencies in all levels tested. Cholesterol remains great at 155. But more importantly it raised only due to the fact that my HDL went from 36 to 46. Phew. That lower than 40 number is not good at all for HDL. Now it is getting closer to where I would be happy but the doc is overjoyed that in 3 months I could move it 10 points.
So now we maintain and improve. I had my flu shot. I declined the muscle relaxant. Continued with the nasal steroid as the allergy season is intense upon us here in north Texas. Acknowledged that I have been at plateau too long at this weight and need to focus on moving that needle in the get off pre-diabetes watch list.Continue to watch what I eat, work on paying attention more to my bodies indicators and most poignantly from my doctor ... enjoy life.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday
We live in a world of realities and potentials. With those come emotions, hopes, desires and knowledge. Knowledge that sometimes has a time line to be worked with and sometimes happens so abruptly the thought processes that you can use to deal with the situations are harshly compressed and emotions can become overwhelming.
Being a person who craves control I have learned processes that can help me. I have a fear of flying which is actually a fear of not being in control of my destiny. Am I ever truly in control of my destiny .. no. It is blind faith, understanding and hope that drives us forward. How do I deal with that fear of flying? I give it over to someone else on take off. The day before I always ask if it will be ok to travel and allow myself to listen to the answer. Sound insane? No. It is just faith that if I was not supposed to be doing this there would be some indication. Then it is all acceptance. On the runway I wait patiently for take off and as soon as the wheels leave the runway I follow my beliefs ... sign of the cross, a brief kiss to the hand and I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands. Done. It is no longer mine to be concerned with. Whatever will happen will happen. (For me this works as for a while there I was traveling a good 8000 miles in the air two to three times a year.)
When one of the incidents that began this blog happened I had been in the hospital overnight for observation and had been told I was going to be released in the morning. Come the early morning hours and all of a sudden I was told they had to get into my heart, I had a heart attack, they may have to do surgery, stints..and this and that and then the whole this is the fatality level of this and my reality went from calm acceptance to spiraling out of control in mere moments. Sign this, sign that ... you are going to go at this time and I need to reach out to my parents. While I am still trying to wrap my head around the issue with my father it becomes a "well we can go no, we have an opening." I don't even get to fully finish the thoughts and have yet to come to terms with my world heading upside down. This is fear to me. They had to put me out due to the fact that every time I started to process something they were throwing something new at me. I could not grab a hold of reality.
Fear to me then is not being able to process a situation undergoing change and not realizing what the realities and potentials are. Once I can process and clearly think the fears go away ... as acceptance of the realities I can control and the realities I cannot become apparent. Do I have fears? Yes I do. I have a fear of flying and a fear of small enclosed spaces/being trapped. Both of those are related to sense that I need to control some aspect of my world and in the case of both I deal with it. I ride an elevator two to three times daily at work, I fly to get to places I need to go but they are still fears. I have a fear of poisonous animals (spiders especially) but I think that is healthy and potentially out of not understanding these animals.
This evening I am going through the phases. Monday I face the oral surgeon. I have my two lower side and one upper side of my mouth having work done on them. There will be pain and I am aware of that. I accept that. There was a form back in December that I had to sign about how this can lead to breaking of jaws ... etc etc ... the statistics that legal cases have forced upon every person that has to go through this. I have not taken my stroke medicine today and started an antibiotic. Why? To alleviate bleed out due to the anticoagulant and when you have had something happen with your heart it is always best to start an antibiotic when doing something with the mouth.
The fear phase has come and gone this evening. Once you understand what fear is and have time to rationally deal with it you can move on. The reality phase is in place right now. It is less than 10 hours until the ability to feel my face disappears. These are events that need to be done. They will lead to a later series of events but this is the only one to deal with now. Now it is the processing of thoughts that are going through my head that say "before you can longer speak clearly ask these questions." We have probably all seen Bill Cosby's skit about the dentist and that is just one side that is being numbed. It is pretty much all of my face. Not going to be pretty and speaking ... well I am not trying that.
So shortly I will go to bed. Monday morning is one of my mass days. At church I will say my prayers for my friend's grandmother, for the safe passage through this world for my mother, father, brothers and their families, my beloved - that her challenges right now have light shone upon direction and solutions, that her children be taken care of, the rest of my extended family is taken care of, that my co-workers who are all facing challenges continue to prosper, that my friends in the cyber world whom I have never met find their peace and that I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands.
This is my cycle. Tomorrow I go through another phase of change and later this year I am sure I will have to go through another. It is the reality of whom I am. A person who lived the life without much thought of caring about himself and now is changing back the hands of time for just a little more time here to experience love and a true appreciation for what this life is.
Accept the fears. Realize what they are and that which you cannot control. Give away the ones you cannot control and life gets better.
Peace my friends.
Being a person who craves control I have learned processes that can help me. I have a fear of flying which is actually a fear of not being in control of my destiny. Am I ever truly in control of my destiny .. no. It is blind faith, understanding and hope that drives us forward. How do I deal with that fear of flying? I give it over to someone else on take off. The day before I always ask if it will be ok to travel and allow myself to listen to the answer. Sound insane? No. It is just faith that if I was not supposed to be doing this there would be some indication. Then it is all acceptance. On the runway I wait patiently for take off and as soon as the wheels leave the runway I follow my beliefs ... sign of the cross, a brief kiss to the hand and I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands. Done. It is no longer mine to be concerned with. Whatever will happen will happen. (For me this works as for a while there I was traveling a good 8000 miles in the air two to three times a year.)
When one of the incidents that began this blog happened I had been in the hospital overnight for observation and had been told I was going to be released in the morning. Come the early morning hours and all of a sudden I was told they had to get into my heart, I had a heart attack, they may have to do surgery, stints..and this and that and then the whole this is the fatality level of this and my reality went from calm acceptance to spiraling out of control in mere moments. Sign this, sign that ... you are going to go at this time and I need to reach out to my parents. While I am still trying to wrap my head around the issue with my father it becomes a "well we can go no, we have an opening." I don't even get to fully finish the thoughts and have yet to come to terms with my world heading upside down. This is fear to me. They had to put me out due to the fact that every time I started to process something they were throwing something new at me. I could not grab a hold of reality.
Fear to me then is not being able to process a situation undergoing change and not realizing what the realities and potentials are. Once I can process and clearly think the fears go away ... as acceptance of the realities I can control and the realities I cannot become apparent. Do I have fears? Yes I do. I have a fear of flying and a fear of small enclosed spaces/being trapped. Both of those are related to sense that I need to control some aspect of my world and in the case of both I deal with it. I ride an elevator two to three times daily at work, I fly to get to places I need to go but they are still fears. I have a fear of poisonous animals (spiders especially) but I think that is healthy and potentially out of not understanding these animals.
This evening I am going through the phases. Monday I face the oral surgeon. I have my two lower side and one upper side of my mouth having work done on them. There will be pain and I am aware of that. I accept that. There was a form back in December that I had to sign about how this can lead to breaking of jaws ... etc etc ... the statistics that legal cases have forced upon every person that has to go through this. I have not taken my stroke medicine today and started an antibiotic. Why? To alleviate bleed out due to the anticoagulant and when you have had something happen with your heart it is always best to start an antibiotic when doing something with the mouth.
The fear phase has come and gone this evening. Once you understand what fear is and have time to rationally deal with it you can move on. The reality phase is in place right now. It is less than 10 hours until the ability to feel my face disappears. These are events that need to be done. They will lead to a later series of events but this is the only one to deal with now. Now it is the processing of thoughts that are going through my head that say "before you can longer speak clearly ask these questions." We have probably all seen Bill Cosby's skit about the dentist and that is just one side that is being numbed. It is pretty much all of my face. Not going to be pretty and speaking ... well I am not trying that.
So shortly I will go to bed. Monday morning is one of my mass days. At church I will say my prayers for my friend's grandmother, for the safe passage through this world for my mother, father, brothers and their families, my beloved - that her challenges right now have light shone upon direction and solutions, that her children be taken care of, the rest of my extended family is taken care of, that my co-workers who are all facing challenges continue to prosper, that my friends in the cyber world whom I have never met find their peace and that I offer the journey I am about to take into Your hands.
This is my cycle. Tomorrow I go through another phase of change and later this year I am sure I will have to go through another. It is the reality of whom I am. A person who lived the life without much thought of caring about himself and now is changing back the hands of time for just a little more time here to experience love and a true appreciation for what this life is.
Accept the fears. Realize what they are and that which you cannot control. Give away the ones you cannot control and life gets better.
Peace my friends.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
People forget
... or at least people overlook that which they never really paid attention to in the first place.
There are constant things that I notice, that remind me that today I am different than I was a year ago today. Or they could be things that I never noticed before but am so in tune with observing how I react now.
On the treadmill I have to focus. I have to either be looking directly ahead or down at the front of the machine by my feet less I lose directionality and wobble. Sounds funny but the thought of a nasty fall on the treadmill is not appealing to me and I am not a Weeble (Weebles wobble but the don't fall down). I will fall down and I will get hurt.
Multitasking does become a bit of a chores sometimes especially when working out. I have to stop to answer the phone and only do it when I sense there is an impending need. But it breaks up the rhythm of work out and annoys me.
Coordination is a thing of the past, actually it was always a thing of the past but now more so. I used to at least be able to manipulate balls and catch them with ease. Not so much any more. All of these point to some sense of disconnect with spatial perception and reaction time but are amplified when I am in the process of physical activity. I am going to ask the neurologist about this one as the more I am aware of this the more I see it.
I have never held back information from anyone that I had a couple of strokes and am sometimes amazed at how quickly that is filed away as an "oh yeah" and nothing has changed.
I however have changed. For the better and for the challenging differences that are now the new me. I continue to take this journey and continue to live in the moment. Thank you for coming along for the ride and I hope to see you here again.
With thanks and respect,
Philip
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uoJ4nudJOzp9I2znzui3kyOxtvdSaBPEulnwTZ6brGQEUSbdLZ_LDWui2o_BdXynExp7e1vyjTThZhxocvQcf0P1TGId5WyfOHs2_49J8XqByyTOE_yo-7PeOmPnes_2JV3vkDUpR2UhTyJsLoqsI=s0-d)
There are constant things that I notice, that remind me that today I am different than I was a year ago today. Or they could be things that I never noticed before but am so in tune with observing how I react now.
On the treadmill I have to focus. I have to either be looking directly ahead or down at the front of the machine by my feet less I lose directionality and wobble. Sounds funny but the thought of a nasty fall on the treadmill is not appealing to me and I am not a Weeble (Weebles wobble but the don't fall down). I will fall down and I will get hurt.
Multitasking does become a bit of a chores sometimes especially when working out. I have to stop to answer the phone and only do it when I sense there is an impending need. But it breaks up the rhythm of work out and annoys me.
Coordination is a thing of the past, actually it was always a thing of the past but now more so. I used to at least be able to manipulate balls and catch them with ease. Not so much any more. All of these point to some sense of disconnect with spatial perception and reaction time but are amplified when I am in the process of physical activity. I am going to ask the neurologist about this one as the more I am aware of this the more I see it.
I have never held back information from anyone that I had a couple of strokes and am sometimes amazed at how quickly that is filed away as an "oh yeah" and nothing has changed.
I however have changed. For the better and for the challenging differences that are now the new me. I continue to take this journey and continue to live in the moment. Thank you for coming along for the ride and I hope to see you here again.
With thanks and respect,
Philip
Monday, September 28, 2009
The break
Well I just looked and realized it had been 12 days since I had been thinking out loud. Sometimes a break is what we need. Sometimes a step away and internal adjustment is just what is needed.
There are times when work builds up in such a dramatic way and I have learned that I am not going to sit by and wait anymore. Sometimes there has to be action taken and if it is not being done by those above you have to scream louder and to different people. Well I am finally being heard. That was one thing that occupied my world last week was giving ultimatums to people and waiting to see if the axe fell.
The other is that sometimes very stimulating people from your past can resurface. People whom you have thought about from time to time but never pursued a course of rediscovery. Those people can get the mind going in ways that were long forgotten. Good ways....making you look at, analyze, readdress and then consider pathways from this point forward. Cryptic speak you say.....I say that is just me.
I am who I am. I am a man who succeeds and fails. Or who fails and succeeds. I have loved and potentially will love again. I have hurt and will hurt again. In the trials and tribulations of my life I have faced the doorway to the end and fought hard against it. I will take missteps in the future and I will take leaps of faith and progress. I am on the sunrise of my life and sunset of whom I was. There are choices ahead that I must take, some easy, some hard. There are people I will meet and lose. This world is too small yet so vast and I want to see more of it. I am a survivor and a fighter. I am a winner and loser.
That was the thoughts that occupied my time away from here. I have so much more road to cover in my life, so many more goals to create and complete, challenges to face, yet they are the future to come and I am here right now. I am made up of whom I have been yet I have potential to become the sum of more than I am now.
I am on a path of recovery and change. I am a stroke survivor. I am me.
There are times when work builds up in such a dramatic way and I have learned that I am not going to sit by and wait anymore. Sometimes there has to be action taken and if it is not being done by those above you have to scream louder and to different people. Well I am finally being heard. That was one thing that occupied my world last week was giving ultimatums to people and waiting to see if the axe fell.
The other is that sometimes very stimulating people from your past can resurface. People whom you have thought about from time to time but never pursued a course of rediscovery. Those people can get the mind going in ways that were long forgotten. Good ways....making you look at, analyze, readdress and then consider pathways from this point forward. Cryptic speak you say.....I say that is just me.
I am who I am. I am a man who succeeds and fails. Or who fails and succeeds. I have loved and potentially will love again. I have hurt and will hurt again. In the trials and tribulations of my life I have faced the doorway to the end and fought hard against it. I will take missteps in the future and I will take leaps of faith and progress. I am on the sunrise of my life and sunset of whom I was. There are choices ahead that I must take, some easy, some hard. There are people I will meet and lose. This world is too small yet so vast and I want to see more of it. I am a survivor and a fighter. I am a winner and loser.
That was the thoughts that occupied my time away from here. I have so much more road to cover in my life, so many more goals to create and complete, challenges to face, yet they are the future to come and I am here right now. I am made up of whom I have been yet I have potential to become the sum of more than I am now.
I am on a path of recovery and change. I am a stroke survivor. I am me.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Am I supposed to feel
...anything? Should I feel more alone in the world?
Today my ex wife became the wife of another man. I am glad for her. She is and will be my friend for as long as I foresee. We were friends before our marriage and decided to go back to that after the marriage ended.
They have a wonderful little child and it is good for her to have a solid parental unit. But I am just wondering if I should feel anything? I know that I feel out of sorts but that has been since yesterday. Hmmm.
Just thinking. Got to go back to work.
See ya
Today my ex wife became the wife of another man. I am glad for her. She is and will be my friend for as long as I foresee. We were friends before our marriage and decided to go back to that after the marriage ended.
They have a wonderful little child and it is good for her to have a solid parental unit. But I am just wondering if I should feel anything? I know that I feel out of sorts but that has been since yesterday. Hmmm.
Just thinking. Got to go back to work.
See ya
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Thoughts
With my week ending on a Thursday (which is good as I can schedule medical visits and such on a Friday) I can say phew. Tough week. Sleep was out of sync the first half and then stomach doing the cha cha for the rest got me thinking if there is ever a time when one will feel normal. Then I have a flashback to the week before and I did.
Funny how the body works. Started barely making 45 minutes on the treadmill on Sunday and then almost an hour today with ease. I would have kept going if I did not feel the nautilus machines calling to me....Philip we need some of your time, don't wear yourself out.
I am a see saw and I understand that. I swing in emotions, I swing in thought processes, I am up and discover a memory, I am down and I lose direction on what to do. This is me. This is who I am.
Repair....still ongoing
Learn....every day
Live....and love the blooming heck out of it
I am me and I am so grateful you stopped on by.
Peace
Funny how the body works. Started barely making 45 minutes on the treadmill on Sunday and then almost an hour today with ease. I would have kept going if I did not feel the nautilus machines calling to me....Philip we need some of your time, don't wear yourself out.
I am a see saw and I understand that. I swing in emotions, I swing in thought processes, I am up and discover a memory, I am down and I lose direction on what to do. This is me. This is who I am.
Repair....still ongoing
Learn....every day
Live....and love the blooming heck out of it
I am me and I am so grateful you stopped on by.
Peace
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Today is a good day.
I seriously walked today. My cousin's son is in Austin at the State finals for the last time and I am in Dallas wandering around 68 acres of gardens. He is clearing the 800 meter in 1:57 and I am taking 120 times that to wander around almost 3.5 miles of trails.
He goes and preps for the one miler tomorrow and I come home and every muscle, ligament, tendon and joint just lock up on me. But I feel good. I feel as if I have done something for myself today. I wonder about the sanity when we have a Orange Ozone alert but I needed to get out. I needed to walk. I needed to take photographs.
Dallas Botanical Gardens
A little while ago I wandered over to Marinik's Blog and read the Open you Hearts posting. This is one of the first blogs I have been tempted to speak my mind on and have posted twice now to her. She has an uncanny knack to have a post that resonates with something that I have just thought about or experienced. But I like her blog and hope that if you have the time you will read it to. I will not tell you the premise for her blog. It is for her to in her pages but I admire her heart and resilience.
Well I think I am going to go and collapse here shortly. By the way I am making it longer and longer with the BiPAP mask on. I actually had a conversation with a quiet man at work about an hours over his CPAP mask. He has had it for years and now cannot even nap without it. He takes it where ever he travels and just listening to him and his experience made me realize it is a way of life and there is no reason to fight it. I actually am beginning to feel a hint of security and need to have this mask on at night and to me that is a huge leap in the right direction.
I wonder if they will let me bring it to the hosptial. Need to ask them. Then again do I want it in the hospital?
See ya!
He goes and preps for the one miler tomorrow and I come home and every muscle, ligament, tendon and joint just lock up on me. But I feel good. I feel as if I have done something for myself today. I wonder about the sanity when we have a Orange Ozone alert but I needed to get out. I needed to walk. I needed to take photographs.
Dallas Botanical Gardens
A little while ago I wandered over to Marinik's Blog and read the Open you Hearts posting. This is one of the first blogs I have been tempted to speak my mind on and have posted twice now to her. She has an uncanny knack to have a post that resonates with something that I have just thought about or experienced. But I like her blog and hope that if you have the time you will read it to. I will not tell you the premise for her blog. It is for her to in her pages but I admire her heart and resilience.
Well I think I am going to go and collapse here shortly. By the way I am making it longer and longer with the BiPAP mask on. I actually had a conversation with a quiet man at work about an hours over his CPAP mask. He has had it for years and now cannot even nap without it. He takes it where ever he travels and just listening to him and his experience made me realize it is a way of life and there is no reason to fight it. I actually am beginning to feel a hint of security and need to have this mask on at night and to me that is a huge leap in the right direction.
I wonder if they will let me bring it to the hosptial. Need to ask them. Then again do I want it in the hospital?
See ya!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Inner sanctum struggles
I have had no desire to do anything today. I had plans this morning and just could not get the energizer bunny working within me. I am guessing it goes back to the fact that so much has gone on this week. Yesterday when my boss and I spent almost two hours on this elaborate spread sheet I had started on he would not email me the changes. He knows me. I would have logged in from home and worked on that today and I am not getting paid for that. But he values me and has told me that I need to take off whatever I need for this and get better. I am too valuable to him to not be here.
So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.
But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....
I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.
I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.
One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.
So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.
But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....
I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.
I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.
One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Time to Repair!!!
Today was really an information gathering session. Dr. Malik is one of the junior partners at the Heart Center of North Texas and really good at what he does. I found out from Cynthia (his nurse for 22 years) that he is booked through December of this year and most of next year is filling up. They fly in from other states and one of his specialties is closing PFO’s.
But the discussions he and I had were intense. Some things became clear to me. I had been reading about this but it was not as clear as he made it. We all develop little clots and such when we bruise or hurt our body. These clots are little and travel through the venous system, the blood going back to the heart. This enters the right chambers and is then pushed through the lungs. This serves two purposes. One is to apply the necessary oxygen to the hemoglobin in the red blood cells. The other is the lungs act as a filter. The filter the dust and such that we breathe in and they filter these little blood clots. The clean air returns to the left chambers of the heart where it travels out to supply the body and brain with oxygen.
Now a PFO that does not close after birth sits there as a little potential short cut from the right side to the left side of the heart bypassing the lungs. This can happen when we sneeze, when we cough, when we strain while sitting on the loo and what I just found out…when we have sleep apnea.
When I stop breathing at night my heart jumps when my body is forced to wake up and take a deep breath. This is the prime opportunity for that clot to move over from one side to the other. Then a TIA or stroke occurs.
I found him to be a very knowledgeable man speaking on both a high intellectual level and knowing that I was understanding this, then also dropping into layman’s terms easily when he could tell I was struggling with a concept.
He was rather interested in how the stroke happened, what symptoms I had and then did some physical examination and had me do some tests that seemed to be more neurological. The first things he said after the examination was that my breath and heart sounds were good. That my neurological disorders were still a little off but mostly normal, that I probably was having issues with numbers, that I was probably still having issues getting the message across and was jumbling up sentences. Sorry but WTF.
I have not really discussed with many that my brother is dealing with my finances as I just cannot deal with it. I had to ask the apartment manager how much my check needed to be written for as I cannot remember numbers. There were no sentences I had to write on the 8 pages of documentation I had to fill in and well he even knew that my short term memory was still a little off. Can I be Hurley here…Dude this guy was kinda creeping me out a little bit. But on the flip side I was impressed.
Good news is he believes that I will gain full functionality back as I am young. Then he dropped the bombshell on me that I have been skirting with avoiding. “Philip, you can keep taking the aggrenox for the rest of your life and not have the surgery but it is not a matter of if you will have another stroke it is a matter of when you will have another stroke if we confirm there is a hole in your heart.”
I know that is the case. I have not wanted to face that reality but it is true. So I have to make a decision. I have to make the decision. I have to make a decision about my life. I know there are lots of factors that have contributed to me being where I am today and most of them are of my own making. I did not take the weight off seriously. I procrastinated. I did not pursue the sleep apnea in Maui. I have made choices that I can change and work on now. I have time. But I cannot do anything about a hole between the right and left chambers of my heart and my body has already suffered. The organ that I need to live and live at the level of intelligence that I want to live at has suffered.
There is no one to make this decision for me. As terrified as I am of having someone invade my heart the prospect without this invasion is just as chilling.
I have to make a decision.
TEE is on the 11th – I go in at 9 and the process starts at 11 am.
Closing the hole in my heart (if the TEE confirms that) is scheduled for the 19th. I go in at 9 am, procedure at 11 – takes about 1-2 hours. Actual process is about 15 minutes long. I will be under anesthesia as they will have the ultrasound scope down my throat as well as going into my heart. I will stay overnight in the hospital and come home on the 20th.
I have made my decision. (my hand trembled when typing that last paragraph but my inner mind lets me know that it is right)
Plans change for the month of June but that is alright. We have to adjust as the world around us adjusts.
I have a direction and that direction is forward.
REPAIR, LEARN and most importantly LIVE
But the discussions he and I had were intense. Some things became clear to me. I had been reading about this but it was not as clear as he made it. We all develop little clots and such when we bruise or hurt our body. These clots are little and travel through the venous system, the blood going back to the heart. This enters the right chambers and is then pushed through the lungs. This serves two purposes. One is to apply the necessary oxygen to the hemoglobin in the red blood cells. The other is the lungs act as a filter. The filter the dust and such that we breathe in and they filter these little blood clots. The clean air returns to the left chambers of the heart where it travels out to supply the body and brain with oxygen.
Now a PFO that does not close after birth sits there as a little potential short cut from the right side to the left side of the heart bypassing the lungs. This can happen when we sneeze, when we cough, when we strain while sitting on the loo and what I just found out…when we have sleep apnea.
When I stop breathing at night my heart jumps when my body is forced to wake up and take a deep breath. This is the prime opportunity for that clot to move over from one side to the other. Then a TIA or stroke occurs.
I found him to be a very knowledgeable man speaking on both a high intellectual level and knowing that I was understanding this, then also dropping into layman’s terms easily when he could tell I was struggling with a concept.
He was rather interested in how the stroke happened, what symptoms I had and then did some physical examination and had me do some tests that seemed to be more neurological. The first things he said after the examination was that my breath and heart sounds were good. That my neurological disorders were still a little off but mostly normal, that I probably was having issues with numbers, that I was probably still having issues getting the message across and was jumbling up sentences. Sorry but WTF.
I have not really discussed with many that my brother is dealing with my finances as I just cannot deal with it. I had to ask the apartment manager how much my check needed to be written for as I cannot remember numbers. There were no sentences I had to write on the 8 pages of documentation I had to fill in and well he even knew that my short term memory was still a little off. Can I be Hurley here…Dude this guy was kinda creeping me out a little bit. But on the flip side I was impressed.
Good news is he believes that I will gain full functionality back as I am young. Then he dropped the bombshell on me that I have been skirting with avoiding. “Philip, you can keep taking the aggrenox for the rest of your life and not have the surgery but it is not a matter of if you will have another stroke it is a matter of when you will have another stroke if we confirm there is a hole in your heart.”
I know that is the case. I have not wanted to face that reality but it is true. So I have to make a decision. I have to make the decision. I have to make a decision about my life. I know there are lots of factors that have contributed to me being where I am today and most of them are of my own making. I did not take the weight off seriously. I procrastinated. I did not pursue the sleep apnea in Maui. I have made choices that I can change and work on now. I have time. But I cannot do anything about a hole between the right and left chambers of my heart and my body has already suffered. The organ that I need to live and live at the level of intelligence that I want to live at has suffered.
There is no one to make this decision for me. As terrified as I am of having someone invade my heart the prospect without this invasion is just as chilling.
I have to make a decision.
TEE is on the 11th – I go in at 9 and the process starts at 11 am.
Closing the hole in my heart (if the TEE confirms that) is scheduled for the 19th. I go in at 9 am, procedure at 11 – takes about 1-2 hours. Actual process is about 15 minutes long. I will be under anesthesia as they will have the ultrasound scope down my throat as well as going into my heart. I will stay overnight in the hospital and come home on the 20th.
I have made my decision. (my hand trembled when typing that last paragraph but my inner mind lets me know that it is right)
Plans change for the month of June but that is alright. We have to adjust as the world around us adjusts.
I have a direction and that direction is forward.
REPAIR, LEARN and most importantly LIVE
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The wonderful world of walking...
I did my trek this morning through the climbing humidity. I started losing water the moment I stepped out of the house. Never understood that with humidity. It is the amount of water content in the air ... I think. So why do I tend to give more away when the humidity is over 900%. It also does strange things with the temp. Temp says 90 but because the humidity is so thick you can cut it with a knife it feels like 96. OK I am ready for the rain to run its course this month and then we can dry out and have a lot less humidity for June.
But I walked for an hour and 15 minutes...I think I twisted an ankle slightly so I actually road the train from the very back to the front. I cannot wait for MOLA to open...it is the whole new section of the Zoo.
I noticed that I am sore in the legs this afternoon but that is OK. Last day of eating stir fry today and that is probably a good thing. 4 days of the same food is really getting old.
I have to chase down the article on preventing strokes I found and share.
See ya.
But I walked for an hour and 15 minutes...I think I twisted an ankle slightly so I actually road the train from the very back to the front. I cannot wait for MOLA to open...it is the whole new section of the Zoo.
I noticed that I am sore in the legs this afternoon but that is OK. Last day of eating stir fry today and that is probably a good thing. 4 days of the same food is really getting old.
I have to chase down the article on preventing strokes I found and share.
See ya.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
