Yikes

A whole freaking month? Well I guess it has been. Heart doctor told me that my heart was broken- told him that happened long ago, with a repeat just a little while ago. He was just joking with me. Sadly I was not.

But he gave me a clean bill of health. As far as the heart goes. He wanted that higher heart rate but I learned that important lesson - my carvedilol is working. It stops the heart rate from escalating. So the hours and hours on the treadmills and bikes where I have tried to raise the heart rate and gotten frustrated are now clear to me.

Was supposed to have a sleep study this last Monday but I was so sick - pretty much in bed all day Sunday and most of Monday. So that got pushed. Sleep is disjointed this week but I think I have been trying to get too much done during the day and not getting there until 11 or 12. That is a little bit late for the new me.

Yep that is weird to write as a year ago I would not, could not get to bed before 1 am. Now that is late. I think that the Colorado trips and the all night driving have my time schedule all a kilter. So time to change. Slowly get that sleeping schedule skewed back correctly.

I know the other part is psychological. I get used to sleeping by myself and become fine with that. When I have to share my bed or sleep in the same room as others I actually sleep deeper. Sleep more soundly than I ever do by myself. Then when that is taken away I fall into a state of having to get comfortable with being all alone again. It goes back to one of those personal deep seated fears.

So in a couple of weeks the routine will be back.

That and listening to others going through challenges bring back thoughts and emotions that are tucked behind doors. It is good. It allows me to explore them with a new perspective, it allows me to spend time on the inner me.

Right now I love the inner me, I love the person I am inside. I can freely and honestly say that I hate the shell though that carries it around. This is my cross to carry, to work on, to continue to fail with changing until I can find that ability to make the correct change. At least I can hold onto that as a hope.

That is me in a nutshell right now. Playing with a 7D and contemplating how to get some different lenses. Trying different routes in life. Living. Loving. Learning.

Namaste my friends.

Walking story

It is always "well if you have ever walked in my shoes" or "be in my shoes" but who really wants to walk or be in someone else shoes. I know I am particular about shoes but I guess when I had a grandfather who worked in a shoe factory in Norwich for 50 years and I managed two Stride Rite shoes stores for a handful of years you get to know them really well.

These were a gift from my father in 2008 before blazing through the mountains in Oklahoma. I truly do love these hiking shoes are they have another year in them. Hmm the outer tread is getting low but they have been great to me.

Knowing shoes I know that for exercise I needed good support. These are also aging and desperately need an upgrade but for now I will keep moving along with them. I also have an older version of these that are good for yard work and that is about it nowadays. But I live in an apartment and have no yard so they are good junk shoes for when I just need something that I don't mind trashing around in.

These are brand new. Just got them today. Let me tell you a story. When I was going through all my bills and working with my wife/brother/accountant (well he is my brother, can be like a wife cos he is my unpaid accountant - although in conversations at the beginning of the month he did mention the interest rate he is charging me is compounding in a unique way - well I am digressing) I discovered a gift card for Sears of all places. Why? I thought about it for a while.

As most of you know last year I had a girlfriend, who had a house, in another town, with three little girls. The house needed help and at one point the general course of my life would have had me down there at this point of this year. Alas she left (probably smart as I would have not moved with the promotion I received and would have ended the relationship then) but I had asked for gift cards to places for things for the house (windows, doors, appliances, etc) and I think this must have been one.

So I checked if anyone needed it. Nope. Saw a Sears flyer in the paper at work last week that showed all their shoes on sale so I went and got some sandals. I had been wanting another pair. The Birkenstocks I had in Hawaii finally died when I moved to Corpus Christi and so it has been about 8 years without any. I like these as I have narrow heels so the cinch strap around the back can help in that area.

I know this subject is completely off the wall but maybe not so much. We live and learn and live some more. I have been thinking about love recently. I loved someone last year as a lover - I needed that. I needed someone to defrost my heart and make me realize some things. Realize that there was/is more in me that is broken that needs to be repaired.

So as I walked through the past two years of my life I realize that what I found in love last year I have in love right now but of a kind that is not a lover but a friend. One of those intimate moments of realization that for a person who is not yourself you would do anything for. Love exists on so many levels ... if you believe in a higher power or purpose you know of that unconditional love.

If you are married you know of that love that spirals around the two of you and can be found on personal, companionship and intimate levels. If you are intimate with someone you know of that passion that may be rooted more in lust but is a level of love.

There is family love .. a bond that makes a mother and brother spend time in the hospital while another goes through surgery and the mother stops and listens at your door during the night to hear you breathing before returning to bed. That bond is strong ... can be stubborn, can bend and break sometimes but often heals as it is the love that connects a common thread of genes.

The walk of exploration in my mind this week and last has been a realization roller coaster and I discovered the love of close friendship that for me is something precious. It is a great realization as I have feared loneliness for many years but accepted it as a necessary partner and maybe I am learning that it is not necessary.

So even though the temperature may drop back into the 30s tonight (thank you) from the mid 80s (I got a freaking sunburn today) I will slip on my sandals and keep walking, exploring, learning, repairing, learning, living and loving some more.

Good night.

30 days

30 days ago another course correction happened in my life. One that was not expected but then again are any of these drastic course corrections we have happen in our worlds ever what we really expect them. 362 days before this correction another course correction had taken place.

Yes they are connected.

So picking up the pieces of a life that fell into disarray. I fear that the course corrections are not done yet before I find a direction that will hold true for some time. There is something going on in my head that they have not figured, nor I, yet. My body is fighting something that could be as simple as allergies or as severe as ... well who wants to follow that course correction unless they absolutely have to.

But we pick up the pieces.  I read somewhere that the first step of healing is vital. It’s OK to mourn the loss of what was and fear the course correction that you are now on. If you attempt to run from the initial rush of raw emotion and pretend you’re fine, you are slowing your recovery and ability to work within the parameters of what is happening. Ignoring these emotions would be like shoving things in a closet moments before company is due to arrive at your home. While your belongings are out of sight, the mess still lurks in the dark waiting to spill out as soon as the door opens. It’s the same with your pain. If not dealt with in a proper manner, your emotions could spill out at any time.

21 days ago I found myself alone again and forced to face fears. I conquered that with a pen and paper. I wrote down what was lost, what was gained, what was learned and what needs to be understood. Then I sat back and contemplated. I was beginning to control the waves of emotion. They were still getting the upper hand from time to time but they were mine now and not running free.

I began to assess damage done to me, damage done by me and began to pick up the pieces. There will always be holes but they are not for me to fill as they are not my crosses. I will never have the knowledge to fill them nor do I want it. I began to make decisions about what I needed to do. I rebuilt some of what I had torn down in my world and began to take steps that would give me direction. Give me a place to look forward into so that I would not dwell in the moment when it became too much.

I selfishly used the tools that I already had, the friendships that were there and brought back to the forefront, the resources that I had seen building around me ... I pulled them in. I used these branches of support and allowed them to help keep my head above the flowing stream below.

14 days ago I had begun documenting a failure in part of my health structure while I moved on another level into a life commitment that is for me. In the long run it will help all aspects of my health and hopefully my life. I may be aggravating the health conditions that I currently am experiencing but I need to move forward. I cannot wait for everything to be right. I need to be able to react and move now for who knows what the future holds. Another one of those things that I do not want to know right now.

Today I am 30 days removed from an instant that is still fresh as a wound but not so painful now. Natures scars are a way of showing that there is a healing process that was designed to allow life to continue and this is the beginning edge of that healing process for me.

I am doing little things now that I was nurturing at the beginning of this course correction but now find myself accepting as a reality. I set a goal in the world of my health and until I meet that I will not shave. Thus the last day I shaved was October 11th as I attempted to pick myself up and head to work. That failed miserably but I did shave without slicing the neck open. So I am scruffy and will trim from time to time but I am not shaving this beard until that personal goal is met. Even at that point I am allowing myself the option for a course direction in that choice. I mean I had a beard from graduating from high school and the next 12 years before being asked to shave for work. So it went to a goatee.

I am going to events of cultural enrichment as I need to continue to grow myself. I am not limiting myself to things that I am comfortable with, but also including situations that challenge my comfort level. So bring on the course correction. Let me grieve and then let me grow.

Too early

So I knew the day was going to be long when I awoke at 3:17 this morning and I mean AWOKE. Not my normal wake up at 3 or 4 and roll over and then start the sequence of snoozing on and off for the next couple of hours. NO this was a sit bolt upright because there is an intruder in your room type waking up (don't panic there was not an intruder in the room ... or was there).

I have slowly been validating my understanding of why this is happening to me. I know the time frame about when my normal 6-7 hour sleep routine began to be 3-4 and then 2 hours of broken sleep. I need some more validation about why this has changed and then I can move into the how to correct this. I know that this trait, though, seem inherent in my family and thus there is a hereditary factor to consider.

Regardless I was wide awake. We all know our bodies and I knew that going back to sleep was an impossibility. I also knew that the prior night I had gone to bed early as I was having some issues with sadness and loneliness. Once again I am seeing a tie in back to the reason why I cannot sleep or at least the sleep patterns have been changed and let me say for right now I am not wanting to truly consider the possibility that a change I made for me in December is the reason for all of this but ...

So I am up and decided to chart out what I have been just mentioning in detail and worked on that for an hour and a half, then the laptop crashed. I work in IT, I support systems and I know better. I had not had auto save turned on and had not intentionally saved it ... thus "poof". Here I was sad, lonely, tired and "poof" just like that everything is gone. Do I throw the laptop out of the second story window or take it to work and throw it from the 20th floor? Neither.

I accept whom I am and the condition that I find myself in. I think for a few. At 4:45 in the morning I have no one to talk to except myself and the Man upstairs. I had wanted to go to church at the 5:30 pm mass on Saturday but had let time slip away. So I got up, showered, grabbed everything for work and waited for church doors to open prior to the 7 am mass.

It was supposed to be. Father Jeremy is a big guy ... just like me. The 1st and 3rd reading empahsized being a witness by "hearing" ... active listening and realization of the impact rather than cursorary listening. That 2nd reading supported but for those of you who know the Catholic liturgical process the 1st and 3rd are joined in meaning while the second is supportive but allows the church to impart a different message if needed. But Fth Jeremy's homily started with, was supported with and ended with an observation of loneliness. I think there was a reason for me to be there at 7 am this morning. All the more so for those of you who know me well know that I am constantly watching, observing if you will and then analyzing what I see.
 
That church was split in a ration of about 65/35 of the ~300 people there with 35 percent of the people there being a couple or unit of some type and the rest of us being solitary individuals. Now out of that 65 percent of single people I was smacked in the face with the realization that about 90 percent of them were single men like me ... ranging from ~40 yrs up to probably in the 80s. What does this mean? Is this some ideological inference? Should alarms be raised? No, this is just how it is. You cannot know if the men were truly single, like me having a girlfriend not there, a wife out of town, a wife who has no desire to be up at the crack of dawn and get the day going. So you can not know how alone some of these men were but here they were in some state of loneliness.

I had posed the question last night about "how can one feel so alone in a sea of people called the human race" and this morning it was really emphasized that it is easy. We are all personal people. We all have a comfort level and some of us seek the social interaction as a craving ... always somewhere doing something self serving for the fact that these people cannot deal with the loneliness that probably descends in a powerful way without being around others. While there are others like me who control that interaction as we have our space and our desires so we control our interaction. In doing so we jeapordize ourselves in the future, for like me when I needed that social interaction with someone yesterday there was no choices left but to be alone as I am not the bar or club adventurer.

So it is OK to be alone at 3:17 in the morning. It is OK to grab a pillow and feel loneliness in a sea of people called the human race because we are not truly alone. We may not have the social interaction, the facial communication, the voices of another or physical contact but we are not alone in that. If we had a hive mentality we would know that but we don't. So it is all about learning about whom you are and living with that person. Realize there are others out there that are exactly the same and just maybe ... just maybe it will take the top off of the loneliness that you feel at 3:17 in the morning or whenever in your day loneliness becomes invasive.

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” ~Paul Tillich

When one tosses a pebble

... into water ripples move outward. When one makes a choice there are repercussions that ripple outward. When one goes through a life experience there are evaluative quantifiers that follow from this point forward as a ripple following this person through life. Thus life becomes a pursuit of staying with those quantifiers in the pursuit of more life to follow.

Nearness of being

Huh? you say. Just an observation into human interaction.

At work there are 10 other individuals on the team. Eric and I are the leads and that, if anyone understands the name closeness, is an interesting observation I make every once in a while. Well in a team setting everyone acts one way. Knowledge and good hearted ribbing flows back and forth.

But

I find that when the team has dwindled to just one person and I ... well in that time the true essence of the person shines and I get to see a side of them that may not come out in the light of too many people.

I will not jeopardize these conversations with a discussion of what was said here but it is just interesting to have these discussions which range for theological to political, past to future, pursuits of happiness to depths of depravity, dreams and those better left hidden in a closet and, amusingly enough, observations about our fellow human race and what we notice.

Paradoxical if you think about it.

Peace

Looking inside

Introspection. Do you take time to look at yourself and reflect? Do you realize whom you are and where you are going? Do you marvel at the processes that make up the you whom you are? Are you humbled by the reality that you body is formed by millions upon millions of specialized cells with specific tasks making you read these sentences?

I sometimes sit and think...it is probably as I paid attention in the biology and psychology classes, maybe it has to do with my ex taking the anatomy courses and having Gray's Anatomy laying around. Whatever it is I know too much about what goes on inside and sometimes sit and marvel over the fact of what just happened when I took a breath. Where did that air go and what happened to it when it got there? What the pathways it took after that to get to where it was going next? How that air fired off the processes my body needed to have happening to keep on going.

Maybe it is as I have learnt so much more after having these strokes. I never knew that the lungs were also filters that broke down the smaller clots that travel into our hearts from various parts of the body. I am now more knowledgeable about what parts of the brain do what. I feel as if I have a better understanding of the heart to head processes than I did before. I have seen into my heart and head with open eyes and then sat back mystified over the processes that make us who we are.

Where does out identity come from. Introspection can be an interesting process. How did I get here and how do I escape from this reality I have created? Is there a way to truly repair the damages I have done and can I reverse to processes that are in play now?

Introspection. The answer here is we are whom we are by the basis of our being, the totality of our actions, our beliefs in reality and morality. We can do whatever we chose to do and if we are able to we can change the processes that we find ourselves in we can chose that road. Sometimes the reality is insurmountable and we can only learn what we can and pass on to others. Thus the true testament to whom we are is realized by ourselves and those with whom we share.

Turn the mirror inside and see whom you really are. Take stock and make the decisions you need to make. Learn what you can and continue to challenge your way of thinking. Look deep and find the real you. Embrace and love yourself and do what you need to do daily. Realize your self worth and allow others to realize that you are an important integral part of their world.

Do not conform because you have to, rather conform because you want to. Be you. Be real. Accept the day and whom you are in this day for the reality of today.

Image by Pip's Paradigm via Flickr

Today I am a man on a journey. I have travelled different roads from my family of origin, upheld some high standards while letting others slip. I found myself faced with my own mortality and did not want the choice to be only that at this time. Thus I am that man on a journey to change some of the standards that left me and I allowed to be replaced by others....gluttony and greed must go. I am real. I know that it will take time and time is all I can give outside of a concerted effort. I do not know how much time I have but for what I do have I will continue to improve upon the goodness in me and clear out those aspects of me that do not conform to the me whom I want to be.

I am me. I am an obese bald 40 year old man with a damaged brain and a will to live. I love the life I have been given and the people whom are in it. I will become a 41 year old man later this year with a slightly less weighty body than I have now. I have begun to tone and develop muscles that have been dormant for years. I love the water and feel at peace when I am by it. I have been loved and one day will allow myself to love again if I have the opportunity. In a years time I will be a slimmer almost 42 year old man with a slightly damaged brain loving the life he has been given and celebrating in the reality of the world around him and the people in his life.

Introspection. I am a stroke survivor who faces the reality that another stroke is possible but chose to change the who I was to have the stroke and work on the who I can be to avoid the next stroke.

Introspection. I am me.

Peace and love to all of you.

Thursday

Minor heart attack there. My BB Bold wigged out on me. But after much begging, pleading and downloading it all came back. Phew.

Scary that we can be so dependent of a silly phone for total communication with work, home and the world. When it fails we look at it in a mock but real despair, not wanting to believe that this is real. Then as the realization sets in a panic not know by the men of yesteryear drapes over our minds. It just amazes me as I have watched others go through that and thought foolish people.

Then it happened to me.

At least my panic lasted about 5 minutes and I shut it off and said.....lets think about this and determine how to resolve this. Then I went about finding out how and making it happen.

Kind of like having a stroke. In the beginning I had panic attacks constantly. But then I said to myself...self where is this getting you. I said no where. So we stopped. Started reading and asking the questions. Started this blog and now am working through what I know and applying it to other parts of my life.

I always say learn and live. Some times it is stop, settle down, analyze, determine what needs to happen, learn how and then do it.

Peace my friends.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Time, water, ripples

time

the ever present vigilant companion in life

water

that which composes most of our beings

ripples

our life moving through water causes

time

that which is cherished daily by those who are grateful

water

cleanses and renews our sense of being daily

ripples

what we think and do creates these in our lives

time

water

ripples

Neurologist appt is the 28th at 2:45 in the afternoon

Sleep Apnea review is the 4th at 8:30 in the morning

MRI is as of yet unscheduled - follow up in the morning

time

a series of events that propel us forward yet never backwards

water

soothes the soul and cradles us from birth through the events of time

ripples

an event that occurs within our cradle that causes future events

be grateful of your

time

cherish the life nurturing power of

water

take care that you know the outcome of your

ripples

peace my friends

Thinking out loud again.

Who are they? Why do you have them? What significance do they have in your life? How much do you really know about they? Why are they your friend? What keeps them your friend?

It is funny how the mind works. Today I spent the day with a dear friend. Someone whom I am attracted to on many levels. I think she is beautiful, has intelligence, not afraid to experience the world and I just never know what she is going to say that just makes me laugh both inside and out. Then when we were driving back from seeing the Potter movie I was contemplating why we are friends with some people and asked her about a couple in particular.

This led me to further contemplation while we ate salmon and broccoli. I was still thinking about this on the drive home. I thought about the friends on my facebook page, in my blogs, myspace, those that are here and those that are distance, those I talk to daily and those that I speak to so less frequently.

I know most of my friends are women and I am alright with that. Those whom are in my friends list are those whom I actually consider a friend. But each and everyone of them has a different reason why, how and then it can evolve over time.

Maybe that is what appeals to us about some of the friends in that friendship is dynamic. It can change and evolve. We can lose a friend, we can gain a friend, we can take a friendship to different levels and then allow it to drift apart for a while. But if we hold someone in that special place of friendship and work on it we can keep them prevalent for the rest of our lives.

But in all of my friendships there are some fundamentals that I see. I see that aspect of trust, a level of intelligence and the ability to have a discussion when I decide that I want one (which is sporadic as I am much more of a thinker than I am a talker). I see that the people who do not mind me watching and listening to be my closest of friends. That allow me to help them when they need it and know that I will do whatever I can. I guess that is what my friend today was saying when she said that her really close girlfriend was someone she could be herself around...totally be herself.

I guess that is what holds true about those I call my friends. You are the people I can be myself around. I do not have to be someone else, rather I can just be me, and you are fine with that and accept me for whom I am.

Thinking out loud again.



Who are they? Why do you have them? What significance do they have in your life? How much do you really know about they? Why are they your friend? What keeps them your friend?

Thinking

.....that chiggers (noseeums) should come with human road maps and be taught from the very beginning that there are just some places that you do not bite. REALLY!

Precious time

Time runs away. Just this morning it was today and now today is almost gone. Heading home. Home to moments of captured sanity before heading to the world of dreams and not dreams.

Time runs away. One moment we are working hard at work. The next there is no time left yet a coworker, an employee of yours wants to tell you something but does not know how to.

Time runs away. Yet time can almost stop when there needs to be a moment of sharing. Time holds still for that necessary interval where communication happens on more than this plane.

Time is here. Time is now. Freeze those moments and pay attention with every part of your essence as this in now and will be with you forever. In a moment time will run away!