Inner sanctum struggles

I have had no desire to do anything today. I had plans this morning and just could not get the energizer bunny working within me. I am guessing it goes back to the fact that so much has gone on this week. Yesterday when my boss and I spent almost two hours on this elaborate spread sheet I had started on he would not email me the changes. He knows me. I would have logged in from home and worked on that today and I am not getting paid for that. But he values me and has told me that I need to take off whatever I need for this and get better. I am too valuable to him to not be here.

So a year ago all of the Divisional Directors in the company got together with our CIO and Director and trashed the living Hell out of our department. Changes have happened and I was put over quality assurance. Yesterday the same annual meeting occurred and well....I am proud to say we received praise and thanks from those same people who an year ago tore the fabric of our existence asunder. I just thought of that right now. I was called into the Directors office and given much accolades...man put the pressure on to continue the raising of the bar.

But why did that come up. I guess it is because about three hours ago I realized that I am scared s#$%less about these upcoming events. Personally I am terrified. I know what needs to be done, and the biologist in me understands the process, but .....

I sat in my office chair (which is falling apart) and just spent about an hour looking at my chest, holding my closed fist in different angles to the left of the sternum and contemplated where the heart really was, what it means to me, where they would come in through the vein, and what does this really mean to me. Grey's anatomy stayed with Erica. But I could have used that today. I could have gone online but that would have gotten me into reading and I really did not need anything else to fuel the nightmares tonight.

I have to do something tomorrow....I know that this is my subconscious ruling right now. I know that I have been so involved in work and overdoing it plus not eating as my mind is trying to overcompensate and give me so much that I do not think. That I do not slow down. 4 days of walking today and I was partially driven to walk again today but I needed a break and thus the inner doors opened.

One good point for the day....I weighed in at 376 this morning. Continuing to go down...almost 50 lbs since the beginning of March.