Monthly Affirmation

may I be I is the only prayer - not may I be great or good or beautiful or wise or strong. ~e.e. cummings

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A good thing?

I have noticed with these waves of completely devastating depression that rise out of the depths of a broken heart, that I am not doing what I have done in times of depression before - I am not eating. This maybe good for weight loss, but then again starvation is never really that great an idea and backfires often.

I should quantify my starvation statement that by say I am eating some. Just not really having the ability to stomach too much right now. I mean I know I have to eat so I make sure that I have something that goes in but nothing sits well for too long.

I am beginning to analyze the situation more and try to control more of these instances as they arise. I am becoming more aware of them building and whether I like it or not for self preservation I am closing off avenues of emotions. I tried to ride them out but the threat has been there for a couple of days now to tip me over the edge and I am not spiraling down again. I am not ending up on antidepressants again.

So I am using a totally different tactic than before and surrounding myself with masters of their tasks. Immersing myself in their worlds with fascination and learning to fend of my world of despair.
Worked in a kitchen yesterday with a master chef preparing pulled pork and smashed red potatoes. I did have some, it was good. I watched a horticultural genius at work yesterday with her assistant, amazed at the combinations she came up with.

Tonight I was invited into the kitchen and was able to work on hand pressed then rolled, special recipe chicken enchiladas that are now bubbling away and even though I have no appetite I will enjoy a small repast with joy as I was part of it creation.

Tomorrow I am going to enjoy the world of animal husbandry, where new births have created a world of hope for species on the brink. Next week I hope to tangle intellectually with a professor I know as I have a few thoughts I would like to evaluate for myself and hope to get some input from her.

So I know emotionally I have a way to go and when my personal leave of absence comes to an end this week I will find myself alone with my own thoughts and fears again. I cannot escape that reality nor do I want to. So for self preservation I go on enjoying what life has to offer and I build the barricades in myself against the onslaught of what still may come.

Learn, repair and live. There are too many levels of this to never ever stop in this world of life. Time to step back into that role on this level.

Namaste.


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"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." – Buddha