So today I went to my oral surgeon and it has already not been a good day. So after all that and when I responded to Tammy, who mistakenly asked how my day was, I wrote it down how frustration reigns paramount with this but it goes back to what this stroke is about and before even that.
To begin with I had everything filled out but was still made to wait 45 minutes and then I was pissed that my dentist did not send over xrays they had taken only three weeks prior and they were not in the office. Thus my visit today resulted in the fact that I had to shell out 99 bucks today to basically have xrays and be told two things ...
1. That this cannot proceed until my heart doc and neurologist sign off on this due the meds I take.
and then
2. That I need to have 4 teeth pulled the two on the right and the wisdom teeth on the left and that is going to be $500 more bucks.
Damn it why can this not be easy. Also I was given prescriptions to get and take right before this procedure, that has yet to be scheduled, commences and had to sign all the waivers of doom and gloom. Ugh nothing can be scheduled yet until my doctors give the sign off on whether I stop the stoke meds or not ... at least Dr. Peak and I are in agreement that this would not be a good thing but does cause issues with the wounding that will occur in my face. We had to talk about the fact that I could bleed out and end up in the hospital if something goes wrong with the blood clotting if I am on the medicine. Crap I know this but I cannot avoid life due to the fact that this may happen. My mother faces the same issues with her blood and she is on Warfarin which is even more aggressive with what it does to the blood and she has to have that monitored with constant blood tests. At least on Aggrenox I do not have to do that.
So it is on some days ... like today ... I get really pissed at the fact that I have to take meds as this is going to haunt the living heck out of me for the rest of my life. Why did I have to have the strokes? Why was I chosen to be blessed with them? Why do I have to have followed a path of being overweight due to my love of food and the ease at which this society allows me to access bad for me stuff? Why did I not do something about it sooner? Why was I such a procrastinator?
Yes I know I am on a angry/pity streak there but it is just frustrating knowing that due to that delightful episode earlier this year I am now cursed/blessed with at least one medicine for the rest of my life. Knowing that the choices in my life have led me to this point and wondering why did my discs blow in 1988 and take me from a relatively active lifestyle to a sedentary one caused by pain. Why have I used that as a crutch ever since then? Why? I know it is all me that I have to blame for the state I am in now but sometimes I just want to ram my hand through a wall again or scream at the world and cry my eyes out.
Thus it has been an emotional day. One where if I had bar buddies I would have been sorely tempted to go and knock off a few ... I will not do that in solitude as I know where that has landed me before and I am not stupid. One where I could have stopped at a pizzaria and wolfed down a large deep dish pizza but that just continues a cycle that I have broken this year. So I went to the gym or at least tried to. I had everything in my gym bag except my tennis shoes and I am not about to tackle the treadmill in socks nor crawl around the weight room like that .... arrrgghhhh.
Deep breath. Focus. For every action there is a reaction. For every yin there is a yang. Thus I am about to go and meditate but needed to get this off of my chest so that I do not revisit it later.
I know that I am responsible for where I am today and where I was in Feb/March when my life changed. I know who I was before then and I know who I am today.
I take ownership of whom I am, who I was and who I will be. I am a force of change to be reckoned with. I will continue to repair myself, learn about who I am and what I need to do and most importantly live.
peace
Namaste
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