may I be I is the only prayer - not may I be great or good or beautiful or wise or strong. ~e.e. cummings
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Watch OUT (Minefield Ahead)
You ever had one of those days? Weeks? When what is happening is really not all that bad but on the other side of the coin it feels totally horrible. I mean ... no milk! The world is ending. But what if you were only given a little bit of milk each month and someone drank your allotment - would that end in a feud? In a war?
Oh this is a new week and last week is over. Thank goodness. I have had no time for any of my blogs as I am exhausted at the end of the day. I don't have milk in my fridge but I don't drink much of that anymore. It has been a challenging week and I often wonder if I put caffeine back in my day as much as it used to be if I would make it a little bit further into the evening hours.
Oh I have drifted outside of the posting I know but then again you did not know that until I made you realize that milk was in short supply. The week started with a breaking of my heart, a realization of the role that I will play for the rest of my life and acceptance at that, a letter from the Diocese up here that they are done with the collection stage of my annulment, this reminded me that they dissed my foray into priesthood once again and potentially set the stage for me making a couple of tactile errors at work that went right up the food chain and crashed down on my head. All this before the middle of the week.
Sigh. Now where is my caffeine, let alone my milk. At least I drowned my angst at the pour house (I have to watch that as I once mumbled that and people thought I said the whore house - tsk tsk), watch a movie that was truly a movie purely for having been made as such and not much else. I ended this roller coaster of a week with half a think crust lotsa meat pizza watching House with a sexy gal Friday night.
Problem is that I am wrapping my head around lots of things in the waking world but my subconcious is failing in the dreaming world to get everything in line.
Leaves me a little bit lost and distraught during the waking hours. I mean I know what all the freaking ex-girlfriend dreams/nightmares are about - I am coming to terms with the fact that I will be able to totally love a child as a father should but only in the role of an uncle. An uncle I am destined to be for the rest of my life and quite frankly I can deal with that. I don't need to be a dad, I don't need to be a husband. I may end up loving someone again but I rather doubt that. That is not my role in this world. Also this freaking annulment process. Right now I am a bit pissed off and the aforementioned person in the second sentence really pushed me on that process thus the connection with her in my subconscious sleeping mind.
As I mentioned it brought up that annoyance with me about the church somewhat dismissing my attempts to look into the role of priesthood again. I had almost gone that way in the '89-90 years. I looked into it again as a potential calling around '06 and felt a nudge again this year. Obviously the nudges are now just annoyances to me as I have been pulled away after being pushed toward three times now. One of those enough is enough moments. Stupid letter opened up what I thought was closed in my subconscious.
So I sit here, totally exhausted in the blazing 110 degree weather with my thermostat set at 88 so the drain on the blooming grid is not affected by the fact that no matter what - in an apartment built in 1997 - the air conditioning will run all day long in the afternoon unless I turn it off and open the windows. I think in that case I might get to the point where I snap.
Does it really all matter though? I just need to get the freaking subconscious to sync up with what the conscious mind is already moving forward on. I mean I am realizing what it is that I do like about the work role I have played for the last 25 years in all jobs I have had. I am also realizing what it is that I do not like. So now I need to see what it is that I may be able to do that is more in sync with the likes. So I am moving forward on that but I am sure the freaking background mind is going to have a fit. CATCH UP. I can't wait for you to reboot and I am not standing here forever holding the door open.
It is Sunday - new week ahead. Let's see where we end up and yes I have to either get some almond milk or almonds to make my own. Wait I better buy some as I know Wednesday night is going to be tremendously long at work and Thursday morning is going to just roll right into it.
Good day - time to go finish my chores.