Monthly Affirmation

may I be I is the only prayer - not may I be great or good or beautiful or wise or strong. ~e.e. cummings

Friday, January 28, 2011


I saw that phone number when I got back from a meeting ... I knew. I thought do I just call but there is a message. I knew ... listened anyway. That simple "call me at home" meant not much but the sound of the voice. I knew. I called. He didn't really have to tell me anything - he knew I knew. But he did.

"Earlier in the day," he said. Which was about 16:30 ish GMT, so 10:30 ish CST. Both his sisters were there. The home care nurse had told them soon, real soon this morning. So both of them were there instead of it just being Maria.

I asked if he needed me to do anything. I knew he would say no but if he would have said come down for the weekend I would have. Obviously they had talked - his sister's and him. They had noticed that it was pretty much 3 years and two months after grandpa had gone and right about the same time of the day. She had just slipped away.

We said our good byes and I hung up. I sat there, then walked out of the office and back in. Sat down. We had known this was coming. Dad had gone home to let her know she could go. She had been in a coma since then. Why was my face wet.

I thought and walked over to the directors office peeked in and he said, "not now". I stopped. I backed up an little bit. Then I moved forward again and said, "sorry to interrupt your day but my Grandmother just died." Thankfully he did not choke on his potato chip. So then the apologies and concerns .. I told him that I thought I would go home and finish the day out. He was fine with that. "Are you going for the funeral," he asked. No I can't afford that expense nor the time.

I thought I was prepared. Emotions tumble and stumble all into themselves.

In responding to some friends on facebook I realized why this roller coaster was happening:

thanks ladies .. tis interesting that we know what is going to happen. we prepare for it in our minds. we accept that what will occur needs to occur. then when it happens it is almost as if all the preparation was for naught. I think there a huge connect to a son has lost his mother, that son being my father. the loss of my mother would be really sad for me. he is her first born, I am my mother's first born. hmmm .. I will stop pondering now and finish my work from home. 

I related to my father on a level of one of my future thoughts that I do not want to have but need to recognize as real. But in coming home the day has just been a cacophony of errors emanating from the office and bleeding constantly into my home space. 9 more minutes until it all shuts down for the day.

Then maybe my mind can analyze ... maybe a good cry is in order. Then the sweetest angel in my world sent me a text that I may have to follow up on.

Sending love your way. If u need escape Rebecca and I (Eve too!) are here for you.

Thank you sweetheart.

Thank you to my team who tried so hard to go on with out me this evening. Maybe this all happened for a reason. Peace and love - PC

1 comment:

  1. I totally agree big brother. We all knew it was coming and we thought we had prepared for it, but those words just cut like a knife through my heart last Friday. I think it was the realization for me that my wife would never meet my grandmother in person or the fact that I hadn't seen her in so long. All the preparation we can do does not take the place of the emotions wrapped up in the reality of the moment. Even now as I sit here on Monday morning at work I find myself drifting away and shedding a tear for the loss of my grandmother and for the heartbreak dad must be feeling. I cannot begin to imagine how much losing your mother must hurt. Thankfully, we have each other and that is what truly matters!



"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." – Buddha