Monthly Affirmation

may I be I is the only prayer - not may I be great or good or beautiful or wise or strong. ~e.e. cummings

Monday, March 8, 2010

I am no longer whom I was

It has been a year now since I believe the strokes that occurred had happened. We will never know for sure as the MRI was done over a week after the heart procedure and that showed the evidence that I had been struggling to get people to realize for a couple of weeks.

Today though I had another realization. I realized that some things will never go back to how they were. I need to have a upper body neurological examination to determine what nerves are working in the right arm and hand. Is the loss of muscle mass in wrist and thumb due to carpal tunnel issues or something other? Regardless the calls finally came in from a doctor and appointment was made for tomorrow.

Then the second call came after they had called my insurance and it was about money and how much they needed up front and due to my deductible not being met it was $589 and there is no way in hell I can pay that. Well poor Matt was just being whom he needed to be and did not know what I have fully realized. I cannot deal with the concept of my own money anymore. Whether this is due to the financial binds I have gotten myself into the last couple of years or due to the stroke all I know is that I could work my money and make everything understandable to me. Once the month of March, 2009 hit I had problems keeping everything straight. Then by April I could not even grasp paying a bill. I understand that now and have tried to figure my money out a few times but I have had to rely on my brother to at least tell me how much money for groceries and those necessary expenses I have are. When I get an bill in that he is not working on already I cannot see it working in the plan of things and have to ask for help. I cannot get my mind around the money that is mine/is not mine. That part of me seems to be broken. I get frustrated, angry and the world tunnels down on me when I have to consider these things.

This is what happened today and I lashed out at this business manager for the doctor. I cannot remember what was said except for the fact that he should just cancel the damn appointment and I would be fine. Whatever was said he called back. But I recognized the number and ignored it. A message was left. I ignored it.

Until about 7 pm. Then I said to myself grow up and listen. It was Matt. He had talked to the doctor and the main thing that want is to give the information to my orthopedic surgeon so that I can be healed. They will not charge me for the procedure. I am at work. I am listening to this and I lost it. I realized that whatever I had said had been the catalyst to this and I recognized the beauty in the gesture and the pain in my head and the fundamental truth that I needed to see ... I have changed.

I am not the same person whom I was before the latter part of February 2009. There are parts of me that have changed so fundamentally I do not know if they will or can ever go back. I know and recognize that there are areas of me that are broken and probably cannot heal. There were synaptic pathways that were damaged and destroyed and rerouted but part of that 3 terabyte storage and processing power of my brain is not as it was before.

I reached out to the one person who would listen and she did. Not trying to fix, not trying to alter my thinking just listening and accepting me as I am. That helped tremendously as I know that I am damaged and I know that certain processes in me are broken but to be accepted as I am right now knowing that I was different in the past made the world seem just a little bit safer. There is a reason why I love this lady and she shows it to me in some small way every single day and she just does not even realize it but I do.

So now I have to accept that there is a part of me that I am not going to get back. There is a part of me that at this point in my life someone else has to take care of. Right now that is my brother whom is burdened with that while he himself searches for his own job. For that I cannot show my love to him enough as he is hurting and searching himself and has to hold up one crucial part of his older brother.

I have to accept that I do not know what I pushed with Matt and need to contact him tomorrow to at least make amends for having said something untoward or unintentional while discussing if and how they would like to proceed with me.

I had to share this with all of you though as the healing process is never ending. We are constantly finding our shortcomings after something catastrophic or fundamental changes in our lives for years to come. It is a never ending process and we have to open our minds and realized what it is that we are experiencing. We have to listen to our minds and hearts. We need to pay attention to what those around us are noticing and not be closed to that. We can accept those changes and shortcomings. We can adjust to the new us. We have to let go of the person we once were and accept that the new us is OK. That the people who love us love the new us just as they did the old us.

Repair, Learn and Live. Some days I forget part of that process but today was not one of those days.

Be well my family. Be well those who come to read this.


and forgive me if I have changed but know that the heart of me is still me and I am becoming OK with whom I am today.

1 comment:

  1. No forgiveness is necessary. We all change, it's part of life for everyone, it just happens differently for each of us. You are ok. And we all love you.



"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." – Buddha